George Carlin Quotes

274 Sourced Quotes

In Hawaii they say, "aloha." That's a nice one, It means both "hello" and "good-bye" Which just goes to show, if you spend enough time in the sun you don't know whether you're coming or going.

George Carlin
Conservatives say if you don't give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. As for the poor, they tell us they've lost all incentive because we've given them too much money.

George Carlin
Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it's because at the moment they're not actually dying.

George Carlin
Just think, right now as you read this, some guy somewhere is gettin' ready to hang himself.

George Carlin
Things I wonder about the FBI's list of the "Ten Most Wanted" criminals: When they catch a guy and he comes off the list, does number eleven automatically move up? And does he see it as a promotion? Does he call his criminal friends and say, "I made it, Bruno. I'm finally on the list"?

George Carlin
Valentine's Day is devoted to love. Why don't we have a day devoted to hatred? The raw, visceral hatred that is felt every hour of the day by ordinary people, but is repressed for reasons of social order. I think it would be very cathartic, and it would certainly make for an exciting six o'clock news.

George Carlin
People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point.

George Carlin
Everyone should try to scratch their name on the bomb of life.

George Carlin
A flag is supposed to represent everything that a country does. It doesn't only represent the good things. If you burn the flag, you're burning the flag for what you perceive to be the bad things the country has done. it's only a symbol. It's only a piece of cloth.

George Carlin
I never eat sushi. I have trouble eating things that are merely unconscious.

George Carlin
Dogs lead a nice life. You never see a dog with a wristwatch.

George Carlin
Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.

George Carlin
When I hear a person talking about political solutions, I know I am not listening to a serious person.

George Carlin
When he got loaded, the human cannonball knew there were not many men of his caliber.

George Carlin
And, of course, the funniest food: "kumquats". I don't even bring them home anymore. I sit there laughing and they go to waste.

George Carlin
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

George Carlin
Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it.

George Carlin
I hope no one asks me to show them the ropes; I have no idea where they are. Maybe I could pull some strings and find out.

George Carlin
When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.

George Carlin
I'm tired of hearing about innocent victims. It's fiction, If you live on this planet you're guilty, period, f*** you, next case, end of report. Your birth certificate is proof of guilt.

George Carlin
I find it discouraging - and a bit depressing - when I notice the unequal treatment afforded by the media to UFO believers on the one hand, and on the other, to those who believe in an invisible supreme being who inhabits the sky.

George Carlin
Hard work is a misleading term. Physical effort and long hours do not constitute hard work. Hard work is when someone pays you to do something you'd rather not be doing. Anytime you'd rather be doing something other than the thing you're doing, you're doing hard work.

George Carlin
They [the Reagan Administration] want to put street criminals in jail to make life safer for the business criminals. They're against street crime, providing that street isn't Wall Street.

George Carlin
In the doggie dictionary, under "bow wow" it says, "See "arf arf.""

George Carlin
Here's a phrase that apparently the airlines simply made up: near miss. They say that if 2 planes almost collide, it's a near miss. Bullshit, my friend. It's a near hit! A collision is a near miss. [WHAM! CRUNCH!] "Look, they nearly missed!" "Yes, but not quite.

George Carlin
Never get on an airplane if the pilot is wearing a hat that has more than three pastel colors.

George Carlin
When someone is impatient and says, 'I haven't got all day,' I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?

George Carlin
Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.

George Carlin
I don't understand why prostitution is illegal, Selling is legal, f***ing is legal. So why isn't it legal to sell f***ing? Why should it be illegal to sell something that's legal to give away?

George Carlin
"One thing leads to another"? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict.

George Carlin