American Comedian Quotes

Groucho Marx

Robin Williams

Eddie Murphy

Ellen DeGeneres

Joan Rivers

Jamie Foxx

Bob Hope

If you want to read about love and marriage, you've got to buy two separate books.

In France, for example, it is not unusual for a husband to have a wife and a mistress. However, if in addition to these two he's also having a fling with a fringe tootsie, both the wife and the mistress are outraged and the combination lover, husband, and cheat may well wind up with a large French bread knife between his ribs.

Life is a great big canvas, and you should throw all the paint on it you can.

I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.

I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis, and I don't deserve that either.

When I was young I looked like Al Capone, but I lacked his compassion.

I've come up with the three things you never want to hear at your kid's parent/teacher conference. Number one: "You're only responsible for the first $10,000 worth of damage." Number two: "We have medication for this." And number three: "It was more than an ounce and he was less than 100 yards from the school."

People are always coming up to me and saying, 'I love you, love your work.' And then the next sentence is, 'I loved your brother.' John made people laugh, and laughter is a powerful thing,

For me to be at a comedy club and flip out and say this crap, I'm deeply, deeply sorry.

Michael Richards

They call it football, but the object of the game is to bash the other guy so hard that he's eventually carried off the field on a stretcher. I can't watch football anymore. My psychiatrist said it's better that way. I used to watch a game, see the players in a huddle - and think they were talking about me.

I am not who I sleep with. I am not my weight. I am not my mother. I am myself. And I am all of you, and I thank you.

I suppose the difference between baby people and me is that I do not consider smiling while farting 'holding up your end of a conversation.

Good ideas are like viruses. They grow and spread despite our best efforts to stop them. And yes, our bulbous, awkward species does indeed work very hard to catch and kill good ideas.

Why are there so many puritans in this country, and why can't the rest of us make them go away?!

For example, in Paris, if one desires to buy something, you enter the store and say "Good morning, sir" or "madam," depending on what is appropriate, you wait until you are greeted, you make polite chitchat about the weather or some such, and when the salesperson asks what they can do for you, then and only then do you bring up the vulgar business of the transaction you require.

It is a pity that Chawcer, who had geneyus, was so unedicated. He's the wuss speller I know of.

There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure.

Jack E. Leonard

Parents don't realize that when they teach you about the Holocaust too early, it ruins you for life.

If you let fear of the unknown stop you from taking chances, you will stifle your true potential.

You might be a redneck if you stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.

If you're starving and somebody throw you a cracker you gonna be like this: goddamn that's the best cracker I ever ate in my life!

I was watching Batman, the TV show, on TV Land, on the cable. And Robin said to Batman, "Golly, Batman! Why is the Joker so evil!?" And Batman said, "Careful, Robin. The criminal mind sees the world through a prism the solid citizen dare not peer through."
[yelling] BATMAN HAS A MORE NUANCED WORLDVIEW THAN THE PRESIDENT.

I'm a big fan of pastries the size of a baby that contain enough calories for a year. That seems like an effective use of time.

When I hit the six-foot mark at thirteen, I noticed the majority of the population was in denial with regard to my athletic potential. The townspeople refused to believe that I couldn't play ball.

I want to tell you about a woman I have been married to for ten years, my wife, Ann, who speaking truthfully, saved me from myself. Who saved me from destroying myself because of my background. Who saved me from wasting my life, drinking my life away, never fulfilling my dreams because of what I had come from, and truly believing and loving - truly the first person to ever truthfully, unconditionally love me.