Authors
Topics
Lists
Pictures
Resources
American Comedian Quotes
Source
Report...
Life is a great big canvas, and you should throw all the paint on it you can.
Danny Kaye
Source
Report...
In France, for example, it is not unusual for a husband to have a wife and a mistress. However, if in addition to these two he's also having a fling with a fringe tootsie, both the wife and the mistress are outraged and the combination lover, husband, and cheat may well wind up with a large French bread knife between his ribs.
Groucho Marx
Source
Report...
I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.
Joe E. Lewis
Source
Report...
I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis, and I don't deserve that either.
Jack Benny
Source
Report...
If you want to read about love and marriage, you've got to buy two separate books.
Alan King
Source
Report...
The S.S. Sierra was a ten-thousand-ton vessel. Today, lifeboats bigger than the Sierra are found on the Queen Mary and other luxury liners.
Fred Allen
Source
Report...
Millions of Germans had absolute faith in Hitler. Millions of Russians had faith in Stalin. Millions of Chinese had faith in Mao. Billions have had faith in imaginary gods.
Steve Allen
Source
Report...
I wonder if to stare into the face of God will drive me crazy. (I wonder who would blink first.)
Tim Allen
Source
Report...
There were subjects we tackled that had never been even discussed, like I had an abortion. Nobody ever talked about that.
Beatrice Arthur
Source
Report...
Tattoos are cool because they don't belong on your body, but you put it there to say something about yourself. Much like my rolls of fat. That shit does not belong on a human body. And I put it there to say something about me. I don't like fruit. I don't like it! Long bike ride? I'm out. Hot dog eating contest? I'm listening.
Dave Attell
Source
Report...
When the bank calls:
"Chase Bank, I'm self-employed, how long do you want to stay on the phone?"
Maria Bamford
Source
Report...
Statistically, skinny women die younger than fat women. Why? Because fat women are killing them.
Joy Behar
Source
Report...
People are always coming up to me and saying, 'I love you, love your work.' And then the next sentence is, 'I loved your brother.' John made people laugh, and laughter is a powerful thing,
Jim Belushi
Source
Report...
I give so much pleasure to so many people. Why can I not get some pleasure for myself?
John Belushi
Source
Report...
If you think you have caught a cold, call a good doctor. Call in three doctors and play bridge.
Robert Benchley
Source
Report...
There are two things in life that keep me motivated, a cup of coffee and a second cup of coffee.
Craig Benzine
Source
Report...
Charlie McCarthy:
I can't take this schoolwork any more - it's driving me nuts.
Edgar Bergen:
Well Charlie, I'm sorry, but hard work never killed anyone.
Charlie McCarthy:
Still, there's no use in taking chances.
Edgar Bergen
Source
Report...
I'm 83, and I feel like a 20-year-old, but unfortunately there's never one around.
Milton Berle
Source
Report...
Men put all kinds of expectations on you. They want you to scream 'You're the best' while swearing you've never done this with anyone before.
Elayne Boosler
Source
Report...
There is a bit of Hans Christian Andersen in every Dane.
Victor Borge
Source
Report...
Being a funny person does an awful lot of things to you. You feel that you mustn't get serious with people. They don't expect it from you, and they don't want to see it. You're not entitled to be serious, you're a clown, and they only want you to make them laugh.
Fanny Brice
Source
Report...
Interviewer:
You've been accused of vulgarity.
Mel Brooks:
Bullshit!
Mel Brooks
Source
Report...
There's a lot we should be able to learn from history. And yet history proves that we never do. In fact, the main lesson of history is that we never learn the lessons of history. This makes us look so stupid that few people care to read it. They'd rather not be reminded. Any good history book is mainly just a long list of mistakes, complete with names and dates. It's very embarrassing.
A. Whitney Brown
Source
Report...
It is the duty of the humor of any given nation in time of high crisis to attack the catastrophe that faces it in such a manner as to cause the people to laugh at it in such a way that they cannot die before they are killed.
Lord Buckley
Source
Report...
I love you just the way you are but you don't see you like I do. You shouldn't try so hard to be perfect. Trust me, perfect should try to be you.
Bo Burnham
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
Quote of the day
The dearest friend on earth is a mere shadow compared to Jesus Christ.
Oswald Chambers
Related Quotes
By profession
Comedian Quotes
Women Comedians
By nationality
British Comedians
English Comedians
Canadian Comedians
By century
20th-century Comedians
19th-century Comedians
Featured Authors
Lists
Predictions that didn't happen
If it's on the Internet it must be true
Remarkable Last Words (or Near-Last Words)
Picture Quotes
Confucius
Philip James Bailey
Eleanor Roosevelt
Letitia Elizabeth Landon
Popular Topics
life
love
nature
time
god
power
human
mind
work
art
heart
thought
men
day
×
Lib Quotes