American Comedian Quotes

Groucho Marx

Robin Williams

Eddie Murphy

Ellen DeGeneres

Joan Rivers

Bob Hope

Jamie Foxx

Life is a great big canvas, and you should throw all the paint on it you can.

In France, for example, it is not unusual for a husband to have a wife and a mistress. However, if in addition to these two he's also having a fling with a fringe tootsie, both the wife and the mistress are outraged and the combination lover, husband, and cheat may well wind up with a large French bread knife between his ribs.

I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.

I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis, and I don't deserve that either.

If you want to read about love and marriage, you've got to buy two separate books.

The S.S. Sierra was a ten-thousand-ton vessel. Today, lifeboats bigger than the Sierra are found on the Queen Mary and other luxury liners.

Millions of Germans had absolute faith in Hitler. Millions of Russians had faith in Stalin. Millions of Chinese had faith in Mao. Billions have had faith in imaginary gods.

I wonder if to stare into the face of God will drive me crazy. (I wonder who would blink first.)

There were subjects we tackled that had never been even discussed, like I had an abortion. Nobody ever talked about that.

Beatrice Arthur

Tattoos are cool because they don't belong on your body, but you put it there to say something about yourself. Much like my rolls of fat. That shit does not belong on a human body. And I put it there to say something about me. I don't like fruit. I don't like it! Long bike ride? I'm out. Hot dog eating contest? I'm listening.

When the bank calls:

"Chase Bank, I'm self-employed, how long do you want to stay on the phone?"

Statistically, skinny women die younger than fat women. Why? Because fat women are killing them.

People are always coming up to me and saying, 'I love you, love your work.' And then the next sentence is, 'I loved your brother.' John made people laugh, and laughter is a powerful thing,

I give so much pleasure to so many people. Why can I not get some pleasure for myself?

If you think you have caught a cold, call a good doctor. Call in three doctors and play bridge.

Robert Benchley

There are two things in life that keep me motivated, a cup of coffee and a second cup of coffee.

Charlie McCarthy: I can't take this schoolwork any more - it's driving me nuts.
Edgar Bergen: Well Charlie, I'm sorry, but hard work never killed anyone.
Charlie McCarthy: Still, there's no use in taking chances.

I'm 83, and I feel like a 20-year-old, but unfortunately there's never one around.

Men put all kinds of expectations on you. They want you to scream 'You're the best' while swearing you've never done this with anyone before.

There is a bit of Hans Christian Andersen in every Dane.