American Comedian Quotes

Groucho Marx

Robin Williams

Eddie Murphy

Ellen DeGeneres

Joan Rivers

Bob Hope

Jamie Foxx

Life is a great big canvas, and you should throw all the paint on it you can.

In France, for example, it is not unusual for a husband to have a wife and a mistress. However, if in addition to these two he's also having a fling with a fringe tootsie, both the wife and the mistress are outraged and the combination lover, husband, and cheat may well wind up with a large French bread knife between his ribs.

I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.

I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis, and I don't deserve that either.

If you want to read about love and marriage, you've got to buy two separate books.

The S.S. Sierra was a ten-thousand-ton vessel. Today, lifeboats bigger than the Sierra are found on the Queen Mary and other luxury liners.

Millions of Germans had absolute faith in Hitler. Millions of Russians had faith in Stalin. Millions of Chinese had faith in Mao. Billions have had faith in imaginary gods.

I wonder if to stare into the face of God will drive me crazy. (I wonder who would blink first.)

There were subjects we tackled that had never been even discussed, like I had an abortion. Nobody ever talked about that.

Beatrice Arthur

Tattoos are cool because they don't belong on your body, but you put it there to say something about yourself. Much like my rolls of fat. That shit does not belong on a human body. And I put it there to say something about me. I don't like fruit. I don't like it! Long bike ride? I'm out. Hot dog eating contest? I'm listening.

When the bank calls:

"Chase Bank, I'm self-employed, how long do you want to stay on the phone?"

Statistically, skinny women die younger than fat women. Why? Because fat women are killing them.

People are always coming up to me and saying, 'I love you, love your work.' And then the next sentence is, 'I loved your brother.' John made people laugh, and laughter is a powerful thing,

I give so much pleasure to so many people. Why can I not get some pleasure for myself?

If you think you have caught a cold, call a good doctor. Call in three doctors and play bridge.

Robert Benchley

There are two things in life that keep me motivated, a cup of coffee and a second cup of coffee.

Charlie McCarthy: I can't take this schoolwork any more - it's driving me nuts.
Edgar Bergen: Well Charlie, I'm sorry, but hard work never killed anyone.
Charlie McCarthy: Still, there's no use in taking chances.

I'm 83, and I feel like a 20-year-old, but unfortunately there's never one around.

Men put all kinds of expectations on you. They want you to scream 'You're the best' while swearing you've never done this with anyone before.

There is a bit of Hans Christian Andersen in every Dane.

Being a funny person does an awful lot of things to you. You feel that you mustn't get serious with people. They don't expect it from you, and they don't want to see it. You're not entitled to be serious, you're a clown, and they only want you to make them laugh.

Interviewer: You've been accused of vulgarity.
Mel Brooks: Bullshit!

There's a lot we should be able to learn from history. And yet history proves that we never do. In fact, the main lesson of history is that we never learn the lessons of history. This makes us look so stupid that few people care to read it. They'd rather not be reminded. Any good history book is mainly just a long list of mistakes, complete with names and dates. It's very embarrassing.

A. Whitney Brown

It is the duty of the humor of any given nation in time of high crisis to attack the catastrophe that faces it in such a manner as to cause the people to laugh at it in such a way that they cannot die before they are killed.

I love you just the way you are but you don't see you like I do. You shouldn't try so hard to be perfect. Trust me, perfect should try to be you.