English Comedian Quotes

Sacha Baron Cohen

Graham Chapman

Benny Hill

Dudley Moore

Ricky Gervais

Stanley Holloway

Steve Coogan

I'm just confusing the thrill of being young with the notion that the era in which I was young was in any way especially creative or remarkable.

Some footballers earn a fortune. 30 grand, 40 grand, 90 grand a week, some of them. And then they say stuff in interviews like "I'm not really enjoying the football at the moment." Not enjoying the football? 90 grand a week? I'd be delirious with it! I wouldn't just hug somebody for scoring a goal, I'd shag 'em.

Lee Evans (comedian)

One-armed butlers, they can take it but they can't dish it out

All castles had one major weakness. The enemy used to get in through the gift shop.

About his plans to run the London Marathon:

I've set myself a target. I'm going for less than eleven-and-a-half days.

We was as 'appy as could be that day
Down at the Welsh 'Arp, which is 'Endon way.

Albert Chevalier

It seems that a lot of people, who haven't known of me as a pianist, think I've just started off as a comedian. And so for them the piano was something extra. But, of course, playing the piano was something that came before all of what's happened now.

You know you're working class when your TV is bigger than your bookcase.

I am too old, too tired and too talented to care.

Kenneth Williams

That's what show business is—sincere insincerity.

If I were alive in Rubens's time, I'd be celebrated as a model. Kate Moss would be used as a paint brush.

I'm not saying my mother didn't like me, but she kept looking for loopholes in my birth certificate.

As her character Mrs. Merton, interviewing Debbie McGee:

But what first, Debbie, attracted you to the millionaire Paul Daniels?

Caroline Aherne

Life is a series of embarrassing moments which leave you feeling alone in your confusion and shame

… we were in a situation where, in the event of us launching a nuclear strike, the President's command would theoretically have gone through a man gambling with fake poker chips, who would've then tried to call a drunk guy wrestling with a Russian George Harrison, who would've then needed to send someone with a bag full of burritos to wake up an officer and tell him to go grab an LP-sized floppy disk and begin the solemn process of ending the world as we know it.

Comedy should never be over-analysed. It's either funny or it isn't. There's a subtle difference between those who say funny things and those who say things funny.

On her hometown:

Erith isn't twinned with anywhere but it does have a suicide pact with Dagenham.

I have spent a reasonable percentage of my life in libraries - I like the hush.

The last time I went back to a girl's house for an impromptu house party I spent most of the night straightening out rugs, putting down coasters and alphabetising DVDs while all around me people got off with whoever was closest and gradually headed off to various rooms to make more mess, no doubt.

Jon Richardson (comedian)

I try to keep fit. I've got these parallel bars at home. I run at them and try to buy a drink from both of them.

You're probably like me, when your doorbell rings, your dog goes racing up to the door...but it's never for him, is it? "Who did you think it was going to be, one of your little friends?"

The moment I appeared the crowd started jeering and booing and shouting 'faggot' and spitting, I had hired a bodyguard and when the jeering started I turned to see where the bodyguard was, I could just see the back of his head as he was running out of the stadium.

Sacha Baron Cohen

All those people who go around saying Life begins at forty, they're notable by their absence. The nerve.

I'm the leader of the pack, which makes me such a lucky Jack, for openers, here's a pair of cuties, here's my darling dealing beauties.

I would never condone the burning of a Dan Brown novel, much though I loathe and detest his work. Well, I say "work", you know, words, randomly arranged to form millions of dollars... I'm not bitter at all...