English Comedian Quotes

Sacha Baron Cohen

Graham Chapman

Benny Hill

Dudley Moore

Ricky Gervais

Stanley Holloway

Steve Coogan

All castles had one major weakness. The enemy used to get in through the gift shop.

I am too old, too tired and too talented to care.

Kenneth Williams

You know you're working class when your TV is bigger than your bookcase.

It seems that a lot of people, who haven't known of me as a pianist, think I've just started off as a comedian. And so for them the piano was something extra. But, of course, playing the piano was something that came before all of what's happened now.

We was as 'appy as could be that day
Down at the Welsh 'Arp, which is 'Endon way.

Albert Chevalier

Ah! what is man? Wherefore does he why? Whence did he whence? Whither is he withering?

The Internet contains everything in the whole wide world ever. I don't know about you, but I find everything in the whole wide world ever to be a bit distracting.

One-armed butlers, they can take it but they can't dish it out

Some footballers earn a fortune. 30 grand, 40 grand, 90 grand a week, some of them. And then they say stuff in interviews like "I'm not really enjoying the football at the moment." Not enjoying the football? 90 grand a week? I'd be delirious with it! I wouldn't just hug somebody for scoring a goal, I'd shag 'em.

Lee Evans (comedian)

That's what show business is—sincere insincerity.

I'm not saying my mother didn't like me, but she kept looking for loopholes in my birth certificate.

I try to keep fit. I've got these parallel bars at home. I run at them and try to buy a drink from both of them.

About his plans to run the London Marathon:

I've set myself a target. I'm going for less than eleven-and-a-half days.

Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition! Our chief weapon is surprise—surprise and fear…fear and surprise…our two weapons are fear and surprise—and ruthless efficiency…our three weapons are fear and surprise and ruthless efficiency and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope…our four…no…Amongst our weapons—amongst our weaponry—are such elements as fear, surprise…I'll come in again.

You should see me dance the Polka,
You should see me cover the ground,
You should see my coat-tails flying,
As I jump my partner round.

George Grossmith

As her character Mrs. Merton, interviewing Debbie McGee:

But what first, Debbie, attracted you to the millionaire Paul Daniels?

Caroline Aherne

You're probably like me, when your doorbell rings, your dog goes racing up to the door...but it's never for him, is it? "Who did you think it was going to be, one of your little friends?"

I have spent a reasonable percentage of my life in libraries - I like the hush.

Time's Person of the Year is quite an honor, unless you are named in the year when Zika broke out; the Earth was the hottest it has ever been; Muhammad Ali, Prince, and David Bowie died; Syria exploded; Brexit happened; and oh, Donald Trump was elected president. Congratulations! You are the face of the worst year ever.

Donald Trump has been named Time magazine’s Person of the Year

I would never condone the burning of a Dan Brown novel, much though I loathe and detest his work. Well, I say "work", you know, words, randomly arranged to form millions of dollars... I'm not bitter at all...

I'm the leader of the pack, which makes me such a lucky Jack, for openers, here's a pair of cuties, here's my darling dealing beauties.

All those people who go around saying Life begins at forty, they're notable by their absence. The nerve.

The moment I appeared the crowd started jeering and booing and shouting 'faggot' and spitting, I had hired a bodyguard and when the jeering started I turned to see where the bodyguard was, I could just see the back of his head as he was running out of the stadium.

Sacha Baron Cohen

Auntie Maggie's Remedy
It's guaranteed never to fail
Now that's the stuff that will do the trick
It's sold at every chemist for one and a kick

My knees started knocking, I did feel so sad.
Then Brown said, "Don't die in a pub, it looks bad,"
He said, "Come with me, I'll show you what to do.
Now I've got a friend who'll be useful to you."
He led me to Black's Undertaking Depot,
And Black, with some crepe round his hat said, "Hello,
My word you do look queer!"

Stanley Holloway