John Oliver Quotes

12 Sourced Quotes

You might look at the Oreo Pizza and think, "That is a reprehensible foodstuff". I put it to you that that is the single most patriotic item I have ever seen in my life! Hoist that up a flagpole!... Because that is the biggest imaginable "fuck you" you could possibly issue to terrorists. By hoisting the Oreo Pizza up a flagpole, what you're essentially saying is, "There is nothing you can do to us, we are not already doing to ourselves".

John Oliver
Many people would argue that the most dangerous inhabitant of the earth is currently the self styled 43rd president of the United States. Not so much in deed anymore as in word. Because to hear that man speak is to wish upon yourself physical harm.

John Oliver
John Oliver: You've stated that you believe there could be an infinite number of parallel universes. Does that mean that there is a universe out there where I am smarter than you?
Stephen Hawking: Yes. And also a universe where you're funny.

John Oliver
When your rainy day fund is so big you've got to check it for swimming cartoon ducks, you might not be a non-profit anymore.

John Oliver
You have just constructed a straw man so large you could burn it in the desert and hold an annoying festival around it.

John Oliver
As far as I can see, this is a system that has enriched multiple companies and that pays and fires teachers with a cattle birthing formula, confuses children with talking pineapples, and has the same kind of rules regarding transparency as Brad Pitt had for Fight Club.

John Oliver
Drug companies are a bit like high school boyfriends: They're much more concerned with getting inside you than being effective once they're in there.

John Oliver
For the record if someone did that to me I'd hitch a ride to the International Space Station straight away; of coarse who am I kidding, they would never let me in, I've got spiders for hands! Internet is mean!

John Oliver
But if you think it's going to get any better, let me burst that bubble of optimism now because I was fortunate enough last year to be invited to the First Republican Presidential Candidate Debate in Simi Valley in California, which, interestingly, was exactly as much fun as it sounds. But it was, obviously a privilege to be there and I did get to witness one incredible moment of political theater when all, at that point, ten of the potential leaders of the free world were asked the same question. And that question was "Who here doesn't believe in evolution?" And three of those men raised their hands. And then none of those three men put their hands down and said "Only joking." And their confidence was seductive!

John Oliver
Lest we forget, when Europe goes far right, they go far right through Belgium.

John Oliver
… we were in a situation where, in the event of us launching a nuclear strike, the President's command would theoretically have gone through a man gambling with fake poker chips, who would've then tried to call a drunk guy wrestling with a Russian George Harrison, who would've then needed to send someone with a bag full of burritos to wake up an officer and tell him to go grab an LP-sized floppy disk and begin the solemn process of ending the world as we know it.

John Oliver
If you want to do something evil, put it inside something boring.

John Oliver