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I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.
Joe E. Lewis
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Life is a great big canvas, and you should throw all the paint on it you can.
Danny Kaye
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In France, for example, it is not unusual for a husband to have a wife and a mistress. However, if in addition to these two he's also having a fling with a fringe tootsie, both the wife and the mistress are outraged and the combination lover, husband, and cheat may well wind up with a large French bread knife between his ribs.
Groucho Marx
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I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis, and I don't deserve that either.
Jack Benny
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If you want to read about love and marriage, you've got to buy two separate books.
Alan King
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Good ideas are like viruses. They grow and spread despite our best efforts to stop them. And yes, our bulbous, awkward species does indeed work very hard to catch and kill good ideas.
Lee Camp
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The world would use us just as it did the martyrs, if we loved God as they did.
Thomas F. Wilson
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Why are there so many puritans in this country, and why can't the rest of us make them go away?!
Bill Maher
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At the farmers market with my so called girlfriend: She hands me her cell phone, says it's my dad. "Man, this ain't my dad! This is a cell phone." I threw it on the GROUND!!! "What? You think I'm stupid? I'm not a part of this system! My dad's not a phone! Duh!!!"
The Lonely Island
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The title of this movie should be "Here's a Fish. You're Stupid."
Richard Jeni
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Funny thing about change, it's like pulling off a bandage. Hurts like hell when you do it, but you always feel better after.
Danny DeVito
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I'm the leader of the pack, which makes me such a lucky Jack, for openers, here's a pair of cuties, here's my darling dealing beauties.
Bruce Forsyth
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Listen, I have no judgment about anything. Some people will bring certain celebrities up to me who are presumably — or known to be — gay and ask "Why don't they come out?" But we don't know why they don't, and it's none of our business, really. In '75 I was making the Modern Scream album, and Jane and I were in the studio. My publicist called me and said "Time will give you the cover if you'll come out." I was more offended than anything that they thought we'd make a deal. But that was '75 — it would have been a hard thing to do at that time.
Lily Tomlin
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I know every time I fly, I get checked twice: they stop me at security, and then, they get me again at the gate. And last time, it was so bad, they actually made me go through the machine with the luggage.
Wanda Sykes
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I hope the next time I move I get a real easy phone number, something that's real easy to remember. Something like two two two two two two two. I would say "Sweet." And then people would say "Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?" I'd say "Just press two for a while and when I answer, you will know you have pressed two enough."
Mitch Hedberg
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Being a funny person does an awful lot of things to you. You feel that you mustn't get serious with people. They don't expect it from you, and they don't want to see it. You're not entitled to be serious, you're a clown, and they only want you to make them laugh.
Fanny Brice
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If you think you have caught a cold, call a good doctor. Call in three doctors and play bridge.
Robert Benchley
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If man has a sense of humor about God then surely God must have a sense of humor about man.
Dave Allen
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From Paris we took the Orient Express to Vienna. I must say I was terribly disappointed; nobody was murdered on the train.
George Burns
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Weep if you must Parting is hell But life goes on So sing as well.
Joyce Grenfell
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What makes a date so dreadful is the weight of expectation attached to it. There is every chance that you may meet your soulmate, get married, have children and be buried side by side. There is an equal chance that the person you meet will look as if they've already been buried for some time.
Guy Browning
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I'm just confusing the thrill of being young with the notion that the era in which I was young was in any way especially creative or remarkable.
Stewart Lee
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I know it's called a pigskin, but it's not against your religion to catch it.
Jason Jones
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It would be ridiculous for me to say anything negative regarding blacks having an equal opportunity on TV. After all, I was number one in the ratings four times last year and twice this season. What could be more damn equal than that? If they get any more equal, I don't want it.
Flip Wilson
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On an average day 7 minutes of news happens. Yet there are currently three full-time, 24-hour news networks.
Jon Stewart
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Quote of the day
It ain't as bad as you think. It will look better in the morning.
Colin Powell
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