Comedian Quotes

Groucho Marx

Robin Williams

Jim Carrey

Peter Sellers

Eddie Murphy

Ellen DeGeneres

Joan Rivers

Life is a great big canvas, and you should throw all the paint on it you can.

In France, for example, it is not unusual for a husband to have a wife and a mistress. However, if in addition to these two he's also having a fling with a fringe tootsie, both the wife and the mistress are outraged and the combination lover, husband, and cheat may well wind up with a large French bread knife between his ribs.

I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.

I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis, and I don't deserve that either.

If you want to read about love and marriage, you've got to buy two separate books.

If man has a sense of humor about God then surely God must have a sense of humor about man.

The S.S. Sierra was a ten-thousand-ton vessel. Today, lifeboats bigger than the Sierra are found on the Queen Mary and other luxury liners.

Millions of Germans had absolute faith in Hitler. Millions of Russians had faith in Stalin. Millions of Chinese had faith in Mao. Billions have had faith in imaginary gods.

I wonder if to stare into the face of God will drive me crazy. (I wonder who would blink first.)

There were subjects we tackled that had never been even discussed, like I had an abortion. Nobody ever talked about that.

Beatrice Arthur

Tattoos are cool because they don't belong on your body, but you put it there to say something about yourself. Much like my rolls of fat. That shit does not belong on a human body. And I put it there to say something about me. I don't like fruit. I don't like it! Long bike ride? I'm out. Hot dog eating contest? I'm listening.

... he felt frustrated, his sense of fate and direction subverted by banalities - the frustration of the man who, having thought himself following his destiny, finds he is actually on the A318 to New Malden.

I would never condone the burning of a Dan Brown novel, much though I loathe and detest his work. Well, I say "work", you know, words, randomly arranged to form millions of dollars... I'm not bitter at all...

When the bank calls:

"Chase Bank, I'm self-employed, how long do you want to stay on the phone?"

I'll never forget the day my mum said "Carl when I was your age I used to go to the movies with a bottle of water and some Sao's." I was thinking "Shit. Mum's a loser." Imagine trying to crack onto someone at the movies. "G'day darl. Got a packet of Sao's. Wash it down with a bottle of water."

Statistically, skinny women die younger than fat women. Why? Because fat women are killing them.

People are always coming up to me and saying, 'I love you, love your work.' And then the next sentence is, 'I loved your brother.' John made people laugh, and laughter is a powerful thing,

I give so much pleasure to so many people. Why can I not get some pleasure for myself?

If you think you have caught a cold, call a good doctor. Call in three doctors and play bridge.

Robert Benchley

Remember what the Patriarch King Solomon
Told his harem on the night they'd had a few:
"Teetotalum overcoatum asqua scutum atomack
Sonata with tomoto, laringitis, cul de sac."
Translation: "If your rhubarb's fallen try and bend it back."
That's a motto for the likes of me and you.

There are two things in life that keep me motivated, a cup of coffee and a second cup of coffee.

Charlie McCarthy: I can't take this schoolwork any more - it's driving me nuts.
Edgar Bergen: Well Charlie, I'm sorry, but hard work never killed anyone.
Charlie McCarthy: Still, there's no use in taking chances.

I'm 83, and I feel like a 20-year-old, but unfortunately there's never one around.

Men put all kinds of expectations on you. They want you to scream 'You're the best' while swearing you've never done this with anyone before.

There is a bit of Hans Christian Andersen in every Dane.