Comedian Quotes

Groucho Marx

Robin Williams

Jim Carrey

Peter Sellers

Eddie Murphy

Ellen DeGeneres

Joan Rivers

I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.

Life is a great big canvas, and you should throw all the paint on it you can.

In France, for example, it is not unusual for a husband to have a wife and a mistress. However, if in addition to these two he's also having a fling with a fringe tootsie, both the wife and the mistress are outraged and the combination lover, husband, and cheat may well wind up with a large French bread knife between his ribs.

I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis, and I don't deserve that either.

If you want to read about love and marriage, you've got to buy two separate books.

Good ideas are like viruses. They grow and spread despite our best efforts to stop them. And yes, our bulbous, awkward species does indeed work very hard to catch and kill good ideas.

The world would use us just as it did the martyrs, if we loved God as they did.

Thomas F. Wilson

Why are there so many puritans in this country, and why can't the rest of us make them go away?!

At the farmers market with my so called girlfriend: She hands me her cell phone, says it's my dad. "Man, this ain't my dad! This is a cell phone." I threw it on the GROUND!!! "What? You think I'm stupid? I'm not a part of this system! My dad's not a phone! Duh!!!"

The Lonely Island

The title of this movie should be "Here's a Fish. You're Stupid."

Funny thing about change, it's like pulling off a bandage. Hurts like hell when you do it, but you always feel better after.

I'm the leader of the pack, which makes me such a lucky Jack, for openers, here's a pair of cuties, here's my darling dealing beauties.

Listen, I have no judgment about anything. Some people will bring certain celebrities up to me who are presumably — or known to be — gay and ask "Why don't they come out?" But we don't know why they don't, and it's none of our business, really. In '75 I was making the Modern Scream album, and Jane and I were in the studio. My publicist called me and said "Time will give you the cover if you'll come out." I was more offended than anything that they thought we'd make a deal. But that was '75 — it would have been a hard thing to do at that time.

I know every time I fly, I get checked twice: they stop me at security, and then, they get me again at the gate. And last time, it was so bad, they actually made me go through the machine with the luggage.

I hope the next time I move I get a real easy phone number, something that's real easy to remember. Something like two two two two two two two. I would say "Sweet." And then people would say "Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?" I'd say "Just press two for a while and when I answer, you will know you have pressed two enough."

Being a funny person does an awful lot of things to you. You feel that you mustn't get serious with people. They don't expect it from you, and they don't want to see it. You're not entitled to be serious, you're a clown, and they only want you to make them laugh.

If you think you have caught a cold, call a good doctor. Call in three doctors and play bridge.

Robert Benchley

If man has a sense of humor about God then surely God must have a sense of humor about man.

From Paris we took the Orient Express to Vienna. I must say I was terribly disappointed; nobody was murdered on the train.

Weep if you must Parting is hell But life goes on So sing as well.

What makes a date so dreadful is the weight of expectation attached to it. There is every chance that you may meet your soulmate, get married, have children and be buried side by side. There is an equal chance that the person you meet will look as if they've already been buried for some time.

I'm just confusing the thrill of being young with the notion that the era in which I was young was in any way especially creative or remarkable.

I know it's called a pigskin, but it's not against your religion to catch it.

It would be ridiculous for me to say anything negative regarding blacks having an equal opportunity on TV. After all, I was number one in the ratings four times last year and twice this season. What could be more damn equal than that? If they get any more equal, I don't want it.

On an average day 7 minutes of news happens. Yet there are currently three full-time, 24-hour news networks.