Comedian Quotes

I am not who I sleep with. I am not my weight. I am not my mother. I am myself. And I am all of you, and I thank you.

Cheating gets easier every time it's done. It's only hard the first time, when one feels the sting of morality and the guilt of betraying someone's trust.

I was on the football team because I wanted to experience the different iconic social classes of high school. So football for me was an attempt to socially integrate in an interesting way. And then I didn't like it anymore and stopped doing it and focused more on drama and science and other forms of art and music.

While There may be power in forgiveness, there is even more power in lobbing a Molotov cocktail through someone's dining room window.

Jim Norton (comedian)

Somebody should tell Jerry Falwell that God is an Independent... he's not rich enough to be a Republican.

You know what so funny, this strike has been going on for a long time. It's lasted longer than the Civil Rights movement, what the hell is this? It's painfully obvious to me white people don't know how to protest. You need like an Al Sharpton, have a dream, go to the mountaintop, do something!

A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.

I was watching sumo wrestling on the TV for two hours before I realized it was darts.

Hattie Hayridge

On being observed by his wife kissing a chorus girl:

I wasn't kissing her, I was whispering into her mouth.

When you get to a certain age, it's kind of the same thing. There's no new school to go to, no new teachers. There's some comfort in that.

There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old's life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.

In the ambiguity and shifting playing field of adult life, I often wish I could just fill in a dot and have someone say Yes and hand me a chicken leg, or No and slap me with an old fish.

I know it's called a pigskin, but it's not against your religion to catch it.

The stinkiest hair products have got to be any sort of perm, and Nair. In fact, they smell remarkably similar. Do you think that Nair is just a souped-up version of a perm that makes your leg hair super-curl until it falls off? And can anything that smells that bad be good for you?

About his plans to run the London Marathon:

I've set myself a target. I'm going for less than eleven-and-a-half days.

I really hated fighting people and hurting them, but felt unable to stop.

Steve Rossi: What is the difference between erotic sex and kinky sex?
Allen: Erotic sex, you use a feather.
Rossi: And, what about kinky sex?
Allen: You use the whole chicken.

For me to be at a comedy club and flip out and say this crap, I'm deeply, deeply sorry.

Michael Richards

Did you hear about the dog that was so high-strung, he developed a nervous tick?

I am one of four people in Johannesburg who drives at the speed limit and pays his fines. The city council has us on six-hour shifts, so it works out.

Vittorio Leonardi

I'm not ready to die. Period. To begin with, I cannot imagine a future without me in it. Can't do it.

Robert Schimmel

Stammering is different than stuttering. Stutterers have trouble with the letters, while stammerers trip over entire parts of a sentence. We stammerers generally think of ourselves as very bright. My own private theory is that stammerers have so many ideas swirling around their brains at once that they can't get them all out, though I haven't found any scientific evidence to back that up.

Ah! what is man? Wherefore does he why? Whence did he whence? Whither is he withering?

The world would use us just as it did the martyrs, if we loved God as they did.

Thomas F. Wilson

I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. Suddenly I had to spend all my time getting well.