Comedian Quotes

Suicide is the #1 killer of a person who is in a boat and happens to be passing under a bridge at the wrong time.

I really hated fighting people and hurting them, but felt unable to stop.

I try to keep fit. I've got these parallel bars at home. I run at them and try to buy a drink from both of them.

Russian men have a saying: "Women are like buses..." That's it.

Somebody should tell Jerry Falwell that God is an Independent... he's not rich enough to be a Republican.

You know what so funny, this strike has been going on for a long time. It's lasted longer than the Civil Rights movement, what the hell is this? It's painfully obvious to me white people don't know how to protest. You need like an Al Sharpton, have a dream, go to the mountaintop, do something!

Dame Edna to Judy Steel:

Tell me the history of that frock, Judy. It's obviously an old favourite. You were wise to remove the curtain rings.

Barry Humphries

Children raised with love and compassion will be free to use their time as adults in meaningful and creative ways, rather than expressing their childhood hurts in ways that harm themselves or others. If adults have no need to deal with the past, they can live fully in the present.

You know you're working class when your TV is bigger than your bookcase.

Man:Why is it that women don't have whiskers?
Corey: Well, you've been going out with the wrong girls.

We must know who we are, so we can know what we want, so we don't end up wanting the wrong thing and get it and realize we don't want it, because by then it's too late. We are powerful enough that we can manifest anything into our lives. To use this power with great care and love is the secret to living a happy life.

If things get too much for you and you feel the whole world's against you, go stand on your head. If you can think of anything crazier to do, do it.

I know it's called a pigskin, but it's not against your religion to catch it.

My little sister, she got me on Facebook because I was on MySpace: "No, no, no. You don't want to be on MySpace, you want to be on Facebook!" So I joined both. But I keep muddling them up, so I keep asking people to come on MyFace. Still, eighty thousand friends!

Shappi Khorsandi

I know every time I fly, I get checked twice: they stop me at security, and then, they get me again at the gate. And last time, it was so bad, they actually made me go through the machine with the luggage.

On her husband:

Fang is the cheapest man alive. On Christmas Eve, he puts the kids to bed, fires one shot, and tells them Santa has committed suicide.

I am too old, too tired and too talented to care.

Kenneth Williams

There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old's life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.

Did you hear about the dog that was so high-strung, he developed a nervous tick?

I am one of four people in Johannesburg who drives at the speed limit and pays his fines. The city council has us on six-hour shifts, so it works out.

Vittorio Leonardi

Interesting survey in the current Journal of Abnormal Psychology: New York
City has a higher percentage of people you shouldn't make any sudden moves
around than any other city in the world.

David Letterman

I am not who I sleep with. I am not my weight. I am not my mother. I am myself. And I am all of you, and I thank you.

Every black American is bilingual. We speak street vernacular and job interview.

I'm used to smoking some weed and getting the munchies. This nigga sold me some shit, had me looking at the refrigerator for three hours. I'm just in the kitchen, sitting on the stove, just...[sits on stool, blanking staring]... I bet you there ain't shit in there, nigga. I bet you...

For me to be at a comedy club and flip out and say this crap, I'm deeply, deeply sorry.

Michael Richards