Comedian Quotes

I want to tell you about a woman I have been married to for ten years, my wife, Ann, who speaking truthfully, saved me from myself. Who saved me from destroying myself because of my background. Who saved me from wasting my life, drinking my life away, never fulfilling my dreams because of what I had come from, and truly believing and loving - truly the first person to ever truthfully, unconditionally love me.

Criticism should be done by critics, and a critic should have some training and some love of the medium he is discussing. But these days, gossip-columnist training seems to be enough qualification. I suppose an ability to stand on your feet through interminable cocktail parties and swig interminable gins in between devouring masses of fried prawns may just possibly help you to understand and appreciate what a director is getting at, but for the life of me I can't see how.

Why are there so many puritans in this country, and why can't the rest of us make them go away?!

If things get too much for you and you feel the whole world's against you, go stand on your head. If you can think of anything crazier to do, do it.

I think the way you can tell if a guy and girl are in a serious relationship is whether or not they have black and white pictures of themselves together. That's the real test. Because it takes effort to get nice black and white photos. If you've gone that far, there's no turning back.

We must know who we are, so we can know what we want, so we don't end up wanting the wrong thing and get it and realize we don't want it, because by then it's too late. We are powerful enough that we can manifest anything into our lives. To use this power with great care and love is the secret to living a happy life.

Why quit? It's the only thing I know. Quitting is like hanging up your soul on the wall and closing the door on it.

And if you want a linguistic adventure, go drinking with a Scotsman. 'Cause you can't fuckin' understand them before!

Ever noticed that no matter what happens in one day, it exactly fits in the newspaper?

I stared down at the cemetery and the sight felt rich, rewarding, physically so, in the actual eyes. The very eyeball itself felt good. I became the most recent person on earth to see that everyone in every single or double plot had known life in all its extremes. They had all known extreme pain and stress; all been overjoyed. All had been enchanted; and they'd all known extreme grief so bad they thought it must be meant for another species.

He had the kind of handshake that ought never to be used except as a tourniquet.

Several Fox News hosts criticized "Spongebob Squarepants" for pushing a global warming agenda. Then things got really ugly when they demanded to see "Dora the Explorer's" immigration papers.

If you want to do something evil, put it inside something boring.

But remember what drives a man; real men do what they have to do to make sure their people are taken care of, clothed, housed, and reasonably sastisfied, and if they're doing anything less than that, they're not men.

There are 10 ants living in my ant farm, not paying any rent...
Deadbeat tenants!

On being observed by his wife kissing a chorus girl:

I wasn't kissing her, I was whispering into her mouth.

I am too old, too tired and too talented to care.

Kenneth Williams

I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. Suddenly I had to spend all my time getting well.

For me to be at a comedy club and flip out and say this crap, I'm deeply, deeply sorry.

Michael Richards

There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old's life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.

That's the one thing I have over any twenty-one-year-old: a proud history of accumulated neuroses. That's the game in which I'm da man.

Cheating gets easier every time it's done. It's only hard the first time, when one feels the sting of morality and the guilt of betraying someone's trust.

There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure.

Jack E. Leonard

I really hated fighting people and hurting them, but felt unable to stop.

I'm used to smoking some weed and getting the munchies. This nigga sold me some shit, had me looking at the refrigerator for three hours. I'm just in the kitchen, sitting on the stove, just...[sits on stool, blanking staring]... I bet you there ain't shit in there, nigga. I bet you...