Comedian Quotes

I'll start the show any second now, I'm just warming myself up into a bundle of spite.

My mother and my father have always supported me. Now in their eighties, they actually clamor onto the tour bus with me once or twice a year so they can watch the performances and hear the crowds. Traveling with eighty-something-year-olds on a tour bus... there has to be some sort of reality show in that.

Why are there so many puritans in this country, and why can't the rest of us make them go away?!

If things get too much for you and you feel the whole world's against you, go stand on your head. If you can think of anything crazier to do, do it.

To me there is nothing more important in a democracy than free speech and debate. We should debate everything, we should talk about everything, we should engage ideas we aren't comfortable with, and we should let the best ideas win, that's how a healthy society based on rational ideas and a secular government should work

A vegetarian is a person who won't eat anything that can have children.

On her husband:

Fang is the cheapest man alive. On Christmas Eve, he puts the kids to bed, fires one shot, and tells them Santa has committed suicide.

When people say. 'Oh, would you rather be thought of as a funny man or a great boss?' My answer's always the same: to me they're not mutually exclusive.

David Brent as manager

I want to tell you about a woman I have been married to for ten years, my wife, Ann, who speaking truthfully, saved me from myself. Who saved me from destroying myself because of my background. Who saved me from wasting my life, drinking my life away, never fulfilling my dreams because of what I had come from, and truly believing and loving - truly the first person to ever truthfully, unconditionally love me.

I stared down at the cemetery and the sight felt rich, rewarding, physically so, in the actual eyes. The very eyeball itself felt good. I became the most recent person on earth to see that everyone in every single or double plot had known life in all its extremes. They had all known extreme pain and stress; all been overjoyed. All had been enchanted; and they'd all known extreme grief so bad they thought it must be meant for another species.

He had the kind of handshake that ought never to be used except as a tourniquet.

Several Fox News hosts criticized "Spongebob Squarepants" for pushing a global warming agenda. Then things got really ugly when they demanded to see "Dora the Explorer's" immigration papers.

Every black American is bilingual. We speak street vernacular and job interview.

Living with teenagers is like watching Jeopardy! every night. After a while you start thinking, Maybe I am stupid.

Caryl Kristensen

About his plans to run the London Marathon:

I've set myself a target. I'm going for less than eleven-and-a-half days.

When I hit the six-foot mark at thirteen, I noticed the majority of the population was in denial with regard to my athletic potential. The townspeople refused to believe that I couldn't play ball.

Criticism should be done by critics, and a critic should have some training and some love of the medium he is discussing. But these days, gossip-columnist training seems to be enough qualification. I suppose an ability to stand on your feet through interminable cocktail parties and swig interminable gins in between devouring masses of fried prawns may just possibly help you to understand and appreciate what a director is getting at, but for the life of me I can't see how.

I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. Suddenly I had to spend all my time getting well.

For me to be at a comedy club and flip out and say this crap, I'm deeply, deeply sorry.

Michael Richards

There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old's life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.

My grandmother's name is Estelle Marie Talley. She's not here tonight. And this is going to be the toughest part. But she was my first acting teacher. She told me to stand up straight. Put your shoulders back. Act like you got some sense.... She still talks to me now. Only now, she talks to me in my dreams. And I can't wait to go to sleep tonight because we got a lot to talk about.

Man:Why is it that women don't have whiskers?
Corey: Well, you've been going out with the wrong girls.

The stinkiest hair products have got to be any sort of perm, and Nair. In fact, they smell remarkably similar. Do you think that Nair is just a souped-up version of a perm that makes your leg hair super-curl until it falls off? And can anything that smells that bad be good for you?

I try to keep fit. I've got these parallel bars at home. I run at them and try to buy a drink from both of them.

Ever noticed that no matter what happens in one day, it exactly fits in the newspaper?