Comedian Quotes

When I hit the six-foot mark at thirteen, I noticed the majority of the population was in denial with regard to my athletic potential. The townspeople refused to believe that I couldn't play ball.

I stared down at the cemetery and the sight felt rich, rewarding, physically so, in the actual eyes. The very eyeball itself felt good. I became the most recent person on earth to see that everyone in every single or double plot had known life in all its extremes. They had all known extreme pain and stress; all been overjoyed. All had been enchanted; and they'd all known extreme grief so bad they thought it must be meant for another species.

I try to keep fit. I've got these parallel bars at home. I run at them and try to buy a drink from both of them.

When you get to a certain age, it's kind of the same thing. There's no new school to go to, no new teachers. There's some comfort in that.

... he felt frustrated, his sense of fate and direction subverted by banalities - the frustration of the man who, having thought himself following his destiny, finds he is actually on the A318 to New Malden.

Ah! what is man? Wherefore does he why? Whence did he whence? Whither is he withering?

Steal moments of happiness if you have to, and then collect them until they are the dominant images in your psyche.

Why are there so many puritans in this country, and why can't the rest of us make them go away?!

I am not who I sleep with. I am not my weight. I am not my mother. I am myself. And I am all of you, and I thank you.

Everyone's got the same insecurities as you
Everyone's got the same insecurities as you
Believe me it is true
You are not alone
There's no need to feel blue
Everyone's got the same insecurities as you
Believe me it is true
Do not be afraid
To show people the real you.

Justin Heazlewood

In the ambiguity and shifting playing field of adult life, I often wish I could just fill in a dot and have someone say Yes and hand me a chicken leg, or No and slap me with an old fish.

If you think you have caught a cold, call a good doctor. Call in three doctors and play bridge.

Robert Benchley

Remember what the Patriarch King Solomon
Told his harem on the night they'd had a few:
"Teetotalum overcoatum asqua scutum atomack
Sonata with tomoto, laringitis, cul de sac."
Translation: "If your rhubarb's fallen try and bend it back."
That's a motto for the likes of me and you.

Stammering is different than stuttering. Stutterers have trouble with the letters, while stammerers trip over entire parts of a sentence. We stammerers generally think of ourselves as very bright. My own private theory is that stammerers have so many ideas swirling around their brains at once that they can't get them all out, though I haven't found any scientific evidence to back that up.

I'm trying to wean myself off sports, it's too time consuming. I don't watch football anymore, I gave that up. I got tired of the interviews after the games, because the winning players always give credit to God, and the losers blame themselves. You know, just once I'd like to hear a player say, 'Yeah, we were in the game, until Jesus made me fumble. He hates our team.'

Tattoos are cool because they don't belong on your body, but you put it there to say something about yourself. Much like my rolls of fat. That shit does not belong on a human body. And I put it there to say something about me. I don't like fruit. I don't like it! Long bike ride? I'm out. Hot dog eating contest? I'm listening.

My grandmother's name is Estelle Marie Talley. She's not here tonight. And this is going to be the toughest part. But she was my first acting teacher. She told me to stand up straight. Put your shoulders back. Act like you got some sense.... She still talks to me now. Only now, she talks to me in my dreams. And I can't wait to go to sleep tonight because we got a lot to talk about.

I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. Suddenly I had to spend all my time getting well.

On her husband:

Fang is the cheapest man alive. On Christmas Eve, he puts the kids to bed, fires one shot, and tells them Santa has committed suicide.

As Tony Blair:

Look we believe Saddam has weapons of mass destruction. Now if we don't attack him, then he might not use them, and in that case we'll never know whether he's got them or not. And you know, that's not a risk I'm prepared to take. Besides if we do conquer Iraq, and remove Saddam Hussein, there's a chance we could win the Nobel Peace Prize, and you know, frankly, isn't that something worth going to war for?

Stop taking it literally—it's only the Bible, it's not gospel.

Steve Rossi: What is the difference between erotic sex and kinky sex?
Allen: Erotic sex, you use a feather.
Rossi: And, what about kinky sex?
Allen: You use the whole chicken.

Heavy Metal fans are buying Heavy Metal records, taking the records home, listening to the records and then blowing their heads off with shotguns? Where's the problem? That's an unemployment solution right there, folks! It's called natural selection.

A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.

Somebody should tell Jerry Falwell that God is an Independent... he's not rich enough to be a Republican.