Comedian Quotes

I stared down at the cemetery and the sight felt rich, rewarding, physically so, in the actual eyes. The very eyeball itself felt good. I became the most recent person on earth to see that everyone in every single or double plot had known life in all its extremes. They had all known extreme pain and stress; all been overjoyed. All had been enchanted; and they'd all known extreme grief so bad they thought it must be meant for another species.

I'm trying to wean myself off sports, it's too time consuming. I don't watch football anymore, I gave that up. I got tired of the interviews after the games, because the winning players always give credit to God, and the losers blame themselves. You know, just once I'd like to hear a player say, 'Yeah, we were in the game, until Jesus made me fumble. He hates our team.'

Nobody thought Mel Gibson could play a Scot but look at him now! Alcoholic and a racist!

He had the kind of handshake that ought never to be used except as a tourniquet.

Everyone's got the same insecurities as you
Everyone's got the same insecurities as you
Believe me it is true
You are not alone
There's no need to feel blue
Everyone's got the same insecurities as you
Believe me it is true
Do not be afraid
To show people the real you.

Justin Heazlewood

I had a meal last night. I ordered everything in French, surprised everybody. It was a Chinese restaurant. I said to this Chinese waiter, 'Look, this chicken I got here is cold.' He said, 'It should be, it's been dead two weeks.'

Tattoos are cool because they don't belong on your body, but you put it there to say something about yourself. Much like my rolls of fat. That shit does not belong on a human body. And I put it there to say something about me. I don't like fruit. I don't like it! Long bike ride? I'm out. Hot dog eating contest? I'm listening.

I try to keep fit. I've got these parallel bars at home. I run at them and try to buy a drink from both of them.

Steve Rossi: What is the difference between erotic sex and kinky sex?
Allen: Erotic sex, you use a feather.
Rossi: And, what about kinky sex?
Allen: You use the whole chicken.

Why are there so many puritans in this country, and why can't the rest of us make them go away?!

When I hit the six-foot mark at thirteen, I noticed the majority of the population was in denial with regard to my athletic potential. The townspeople refused to believe that I couldn't play ball.

I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. Suddenly I had to spend all my time getting well.

If you think you have caught a cold, call a good doctor. Call in three doctors and play bridge.

Robert Benchley

Heavy Metal fans are buying Heavy Metal records, taking the records home, listening to the records and then blowing their heads off with shotguns? Where's the problem? That's an unemployment solution right there, folks! It's called natural selection.

Good ideas are like viruses. They grow and spread despite our best efforts to stop them. And yes, our bulbous, awkward species does indeed work very hard to catch and kill good ideas.

Ever noticed that no matter what happens in one day, it exactly fits in the newspaper?

I was on the football team because I wanted to experience the different iconic social classes of high school. So football for me was an attempt to socially integrate in an interesting way. And then I didn't like it anymore and stopped doing it and focused more on drama and science and other forms of art and music.

A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.

My grandmother's name is Estelle Marie Talley. She's not here tonight. And this is going to be the toughest part. But she was my first acting teacher. She told me to stand up straight. Put your shoulders back. Act like you got some sense.... She still talks to me now. Only now, she talks to me in my dreams. And I can't wait to go to sleep tonight because we got a lot to talk about.

When you get to a certain age, it's kind of the same thing. There's no new school to go to, no new teachers. There's some comfort in that.

As Tony Blair:

Look we believe Saddam has weapons of mass destruction. Now if we don't attack him, then he might not use them, and in that case we'll never know whether he's got them or not. And you know, that's not a risk I'm prepared to take. Besides if we do conquer Iraq, and remove Saddam Hussein, there's a chance we could win the Nobel Peace Prize, and you know, frankly, isn't that something worth going to war for?

I am not who I sleep with. I am not my weight. I am not my mother. I am myself. And I am all of you, and I thank you.

I really hated fighting people and hurting them, but felt unable to stop.

You have Mel Brooks and your Marx Brothers and your Larry David. So it's affected it enormously and really not at all. I don't think I've ever done anything comedically where the joke of it had to do with Judaism and Jewishness, but there's definitely a proud tradition of comedy in the Jews.

I'm used to smoking some weed and getting the munchies. This nigga sold me some shit, had me looking at the refrigerator for three hours. I'm just in the kitchen, sitting on the stove, just...[sits on stool, blanking staring]... I bet you there ain't shit in there, nigga. I bet you...