Comedian Quotes

Did you ever get the feeling that the world was a tuxedo and you were a pair of brown shoes?

When I hit the six-foot mark at thirteen, I noticed the majority of the population was in denial with regard to my athletic potential. The townspeople refused to believe that I couldn't play ball.

When people say. 'Oh, would you rather be thought of as a funny man or a great boss?' My answer's always the same: to me they're not mutually exclusive.

David Brent as manager

I'll start the show any second now, I'm just warming myself up into a bundle of spite.

The day you're born, you get the pink slip on YOU. Outright ownership. You must only share that life with those that you and only you choose.

To me there is nothing more important in a democracy than free speech and debate. We should debate everything, we should talk about everything, we should engage ideas we aren't comfortable with, and we should let the best ideas win, that's how a healthy society based on rational ideas and a secular government should work

Cheating gets easier every time it's done. It's only hard the first time, when one feels the sting of morality and the guilt of betraying someone's trust.

I was watching sumo wrestling on the TV for two hours before I realized it was darts.

Hattie Hayridge

Children raised with love and compassion will be free to use their time as adults in meaningful and creative ways, rather than expressing their childhood hurts in ways that harm themselves or others. If adults have no need to deal with the past, they can live fully in the present.

When you get to a certain age, it's kind of the same thing. There's no new school to go to, no new teachers. There's some comfort in that.

In Hollywood, we have some of the richest unemployed people in the world. They have sun tans. Some of them have chauffeurs in Rolls-Royces waiting outside. They have their golf clubs ready in the car. There is no law that says you cannot play golf while being unemployed.

Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but I believe when a woman enters a room, men should stand up - and gay men should stand up at least halfway.

Every black American is bilingual. We speak street vernacular and job interview.

Heavy Metal fans are buying Heavy Metal records, taking the records home, listening to the records and then blowing their heads off with shotguns? Where's the problem? That's an unemployment solution right there, folks! It's called natural selection.

About his plans to run the London Marathon:

I've set myself a target. I'm going for less than eleven-and-a-half days.

When we can really put ourselves in the shoes of the other, when we can reach new depths of empathy, then we can be effective ambassadors of peace.

Ah! what is man? Wherefore does he why? Whence did he whence? Whither is he withering?

I really hated fighting people and hurting them, but felt unable to stop.

On being observed by his wife kissing a chorus girl:

I wasn't kissing her, I was whispering into her mouth.

Why quit? It's the only thing I know. Quitting is like hanging up your soul on the wall and closing the door on it.

My grandmother's name is Estelle Marie Talley. She's not here tonight. And this is going to be the toughest part. But she was my first acting teacher. She told me to stand up straight. Put your shoulders back. Act like you got some sense.... She still talks to me now. Only now, she talks to me in my dreams. And I can't wait to go to sleep tonight because we got a lot to talk about.

Stammering is different than stuttering. Stutterers have trouble with the letters, while stammerers trip over entire parts of a sentence. We stammerers generally think of ourselves as very bright. My own private theory is that stammerers have so many ideas swirling around their brains at once that they can't get them all out, though I haven't found any scientific evidence to back that up.

It is impossible for an abortion clinic to have a waiting list of more than nine months.

I try to keep fit. I've got these parallel bars at home. I run at them and try to buy a drink from both of them.

Nobody thought Mel Gibson could play a Scot but look at him now! Alcoholic and a racist!