Comedian Quotes

When I hit the six-foot mark at thirteen, I noticed the majority of the population was in denial with regard to my athletic potential. The townspeople refused to believe that I couldn't play ball.

When people say. 'Oh, would you rather be thought of as a funny man or a great boss?' My answer's always the same: to me they're not mutually exclusive.

David Brent as manager

I'll start the show any second now, I'm just warming myself up into a bundle of spite.

The day you're born, you get the pink slip on YOU. Outright ownership. You must only share that life with those that you and only you choose.

At the farmers market with my so called girlfriend: She hands me her cell phone, says it's my dad. "Man, this ain't my dad! This is a cell phone." I threw it on the GROUND!!! "What? You think I'm stupid? I'm not a part of this system! My dad's not a phone! Duh!!!"

The Lonely Island

I'm not ready to die. Period. To begin with, I cannot imagine a future without me in it. Can't do it.

Robert Schimmel

I have forty-six cookbooks. I have sixty-eight takeout menus from four restaurants. I have one hundred and sixteen soy sauce packets. I have three hundred and eighty-two dishes, bowls, cups, saucers, mugs and glasses. I eat over the sink.

While There may be power in forgiveness, there is even more power in lobbing a Molotov cocktail through someone's dining room window.

Jim Norton (comedian)

When you get to a certain age, it's kind of the same thing. There's no new school to go to, no new teachers. There's some comfort in that.

In Hollywood, we have some of the richest unemployed people in the world. They have sun tans. Some of them have chauffeurs in Rolls-Royces waiting outside. They have their golf clubs ready in the car. There is no law that says you cannot play golf while being unemployed.

Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but I believe when a woman enters a room, men should stand up - and gay men should stand up at least halfway.

Do you know what a Polish sandwich is? It's one coupon for ham between two coupons for bread.

In the ambiguity and shifting playing field of adult life, I often wish I could just fill in a dot and have someone say Yes and hand me a chicken leg, or No and slap me with an old fish.

My father was a really funny guy. He lived a good long life. And he was the reason I wanted to be funny and become a comedian and a comedy writer, so to say that he's somewhat of a mythic figure in my life would be an understatement.

Wherever my dad is now, he's looking down on me…not because he's dead but because he is very condescending.

Ah! what is man? Wherefore does he why? Whence did he whence? Whither is he withering?

I really hated fighting people and hurting them, but felt unable to stop.

On being observed by his wife kissing a chorus girl:

I wasn't kissing her, I was whispering into her mouth.

Why quit? It's the only thing I know. Quitting is like hanging up your soul on the wall and closing the door on it.

If I were alive in Rubens's time, I'd be celebrated as a model. Kate Moss would be used as a paint brush.

I have spent a reasonable percentage of my life in libraries - I like the hush.

A vegetarian is a person who won't eat anything that can have children.

Your financial cost can best be figured out when you realize that if you were to devote the same time and energy to business instead of gold, you would be a millionaire in approximately six weeks.

I try to keep fit. I've got these parallel bars at home. I run at them and try to buy a drink from both of them.

Nobody thought Mel Gibson could play a Scot but look at him now! Alcoholic and a racist!