Comedian Quotes

Did you ever get the feeling that the world was a tuxedo and you were a pair of brown shoes?

When I hit the six-foot mark at thirteen, I noticed the majority of the population was in denial with regard to my athletic potential. The townspeople refused to believe that I couldn't play ball.

When people say. 'Oh, would you rather be thought of as a funny man or a great boss?' My answer's always the same: to me they're not mutually exclusive.

David Brent as manager

I'll start the show any second now, I'm just warming myself up into a bundle of spite.

The day you're born, you get the pink slip on YOU. Outright ownership. You must only share that life with those that you and only you choose.

At the farmers market with my so called girlfriend: She hands me her cell phone, says it's my dad. "Man, this ain't my dad! This is a cell phone." I threw it on the GROUND!!! "What? You think I'm stupid? I'm not a part of this system! My dad's not a phone! Duh!!!"

The Lonely Island

But remember what drives a man; real men do what they have to do to make sure their people are taken care of, clothed, housed, and reasonably sastisfied, and if they're doing anything less than that, they're not men.

I was watching sumo wrestling on the TV for two hours before I realized it was darts.

Hattie Hayridge

When you get to a certain age, it's kind of the same thing. There's no new school to go to, no new teachers. There's some comfort in that.

In Hollywood, we have some of the richest unemployed people in the world. They have sun tans. Some of them have chauffeurs in Rolls-Royces waiting outside. They have their golf clubs ready in the car. There is no law that says you cannot play golf while being unemployed.

Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but I believe when a woman enters a room, men should stand up - and gay men should stand up at least halfway.

Do you know what a Polish sandwich is? It's one coupon for ham between two coupons for bread.

Cheating gets easier every time it's done. It's only hard the first time, when one feels the sting of morality and the guilt of betraying someone's trust.

About his plans to run the London Marathon:

I've set myself a target. I'm going for less than eleven-and-a-half days.

I've got a fourteen minute act and a few bits and pieces I could string out to half an hour or so. What the hell am I to do?

After being booked a one-man show at The Crucible in Sheffield

Ah! what is man? Wherefore does he why? Whence did he whence? Whither is he withering?

I really hated fighting people and hurting them, but felt unable to stop.

On being observed by his wife kissing a chorus girl:

I wasn't kissing her, I was whispering into her mouth.

Why quit? It's the only thing I know. Quitting is like hanging up your soul on the wall and closing the door on it.

If I were alive in Rubens's time, I'd be celebrated as a model. Kate Moss would be used as a paint brush.

Heavy Metal fans are buying Heavy Metal records, taking the records home, listening to the records and then blowing their heads off with shotguns? Where's the problem? That's an unemployment solution right there, folks! It's called natural selection.

Stammering is different than stuttering. Stutterers have trouble with the letters, while stammerers trip over entire parts of a sentence. We stammerers generally think of ourselves as very bright. My own private theory is that stammerers have so many ideas swirling around their brains at once that they can't get them all out, though I haven't found any scientific evidence to back that up.

It is impossible for an abortion clinic to have a waiting list of more than nine months.

I try to keep fit. I've got these parallel bars at home. I run at them and try to buy a drink from both of them.

Nobody thought Mel Gibson could play a Scot but look at him now! Alcoholic and a racist!