Comedian Quotes

When people say. 'Oh, would you rather be thought of as a funny man or a great boss?' My answer's always the same: to me they're not mutually exclusive.

David Brent as manager

Stammering is different than stuttering. Stutterers have trouble with the letters, while stammerers trip over entire parts of a sentence. We stammerers generally think of ourselves as very bright. My own private theory is that stammerers have so many ideas swirling around their brains at once that they can't get them all out, though I haven't found any scientific evidence to back that up.

A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.

... he felt frustrated, his sense of fate and direction subverted by banalities - the frustration of the man who, having thought himself following his destiny, finds he is actually on the A318 to New Malden.

Tattoos are cool because they don't belong on your body, but you put it there to say something about yourself. Much like my rolls of fat. That shit does not belong on a human body. And I put it there to say something about me. I don't like fruit. I don't like it! Long bike ride? I'm out. Hot dog eating contest? I'm listening.

Why are there so many puritans in this country, and why can't the rest of us make them go away?!

Ah! what is man? Wherefore does he why? Whence did he whence? Whither is he withering?

We must know who we are, so we can know what we want, so we don't end up wanting the wrong thing and get it and realize we don't want it, because by then it's too late. We are powerful enough that we can manifest anything into our lives. To use this power with great care and love is the secret to living a happy life.

I love you just the way you are but you don't see you like I do. You shouldn't try so hard to be perfect. Trust me, perfect should try to be you.

I think nine times out of ten the worst impulses we get are when we're behind the wheel of a car. That's why I don't think its such a good idea to have a gun … in the glove compartment. Cause chances are, if it's there, sooner or later, you're gonna use it — 'course, then again, what are you gonna do when someone cuts you off on the freeway? Just let them go? Yeah — you pretty much have to shoot them, y'know, otherwise they won't learn nothin'.

I'm trying to wean myself off sports, it's too time consuming. I don't watch football anymore, I gave that up. I got tired of the interviews after the games, because the winning players always give credit to God, and the losers blame themselves. You know, just once I'd like to hear a player say, 'Yeah, we were in the game, until Jesus made me fumble. He hates our team.'

Cheating gets easier every time it's done. It's only hard the first time, when one feels the sting of morality and the guilt of betraying someone's trust.

You have Mel Brooks and your Marx Brothers and your Larry David. So it's affected it enormously and really not at all. I don't think I've ever done anything comedically where the joke of it had to do with Judaism and Jewishness, but there's definitely a proud tradition of comedy in the Jews.

Good ideas are like viruses. They grow and spread despite our best efforts to stop them. And yes, our bulbous, awkward species does indeed work very hard to catch and kill good ideas.

About his plans to run the London Marathon:

I've set myself a target. I'm going for less than eleven-and-a-half days.

In the ambiguity and shifting playing field of adult life, I often wish I could just fill in a dot and have someone say Yes and hand me a chicken leg, or No and slap me with an old fish.

From Paris we took the Orient Express to Vienna. I must say I was terribly disappointed; nobody was murdered on the train.

Russian men have a saying: "Women are like buses..." That's it.

Man:Why is it that women don't have whiskers?
Corey: Well, you've been going out with the wrong girls.

I try to keep fit. I've got these parallel bars at home. I run at them and try to buy a drink from both of them.

I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. Suddenly I had to spend all my time getting well.

When you get to a certain age, it's kind of the same thing. There's no new school to go to, no new teachers. There's some comfort in that.

Steve Rossi: What is the difference between erotic sex and kinky sex?
Allen: Erotic sex, you use a feather.
Rossi: And, what about kinky sex?
Allen: You use the whole chicken.

I'm not ready to die. Period. To begin with, I cannot imagine a future without me in it. Can't do it.

Robert Schimmel

Stop taking it literally—it's only the Bible, it's not gospel.