Comedian Quotes

I'm used to smoking some weed and getting the munchies. This nigga sold me some shit, had me looking at the refrigerator for three hours. I'm just in the kitchen, sitting on the stove, just...[sits on stool, blanking staring]... I bet you there ain't shit in there, nigga. I bet you...

You know you're working class when your TV is bigger than your bookcase.

I am not who I sleep with. I am not my weight. I am not my mother. I am myself. And I am all of you, and I thank you.

... he felt frustrated, his sense of fate and direction subverted by banalities - the frustration of the man who, having thought himself following his destiny, finds he is actually on the A318 to New Malden.

Tattoos are cool because they don't belong on your body, but you put it there to say something about yourself. Much like my rolls of fat. That shit does not belong on a human body. And I put it there to say something about me. I don't like fruit. I don't like it! Long bike ride? I'm out. Hot dog eating contest? I'm listening.

Why are there so many puritans in this country, and why can't the rest of us make them go away?!

My grandmother's name is Estelle Marie Talley. She's not here tonight. And this is going to be the toughest part. But she was my first acting teacher. She told me to stand up straight. Put your shoulders back. Act like you got some sense.... She still talks to me now. Only now, she talks to me in my dreams. And I can't wait to go to sleep tonight because we got a lot to talk about.

Children raised with love and compassion will be free to use their time as adults in meaningful and creative ways, rather than expressing their childhood hurts in ways that harm themselves or others. If adults have no need to deal with the past, they can live fully in the present.

I love you just the way you are but you don't see you like I do. You shouldn't try so hard to be perfect. Trust me, perfect should try to be you.

I think nine times out of ten the worst impulses we get are when we're behind the wheel of a car. That's why I don't think its such a good idea to have a gun … in the glove compartment. Cause chances are, if it's there, sooner or later, you're gonna use it — 'course, then again, what are you gonna do when someone cuts you off on the freeway? Just let them go? Yeah — you pretty much have to shoot them, y'know, otherwise they won't learn nothin'.

I think the way you can tell if a guy and girl are in a serious relationship is whether or not they have black and white pictures of themselves together. That's the real test. Because it takes effort to get nice black and white photos. If you've gone that far, there's no turning back.

About his plans to run the London Marathon:

I've set myself a target. I'm going for less than eleven-and-a-half days.

A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.

Steve Rossi: What is the difference between erotic sex and kinky sex?
Allen: Erotic sex, you use a feather.
Rossi: And, what about kinky sex?
Allen: You use the whole chicken.

I try to keep fit. I've got these parallel bars at home. I run at them and try to buy a drink from both of them.

We must know who we are, so we can know what we want, so we don't end up wanting the wrong thing and get it and realize we don't want it, because by then it's too late. We are powerful enough that we can manifest anything into our lives. To use this power with great care and love is the secret to living a happy life.

From Paris we took the Orient Express to Vienna. I must say I was terribly disappointed; nobody was murdered on the train.

On her husband:

Fang is the cheapest man alive. On Christmas Eve, he puts the kids to bed, fires one shot, and tells them Santa has committed suicide.

The English like eccentrics. They just don't like them living next door.

When you get to a certain age, it's kind of the same thing. There's no new school to go to, no new teachers. There's some comfort in that.

Steal moments of happiness if you have to, and then collect them until they are the dominant images in your psyche.

Dance is about movement and can be an art, but it's also about communication - with yourself, as much as with other people.

Nobody thought Mel Gibson could play a Scot but look at him now! Alcoholic and a racist!

It happens to all of us, I concluded that Easter Sunday morning. God simply keeps reaching down into the dirt of humanity and resurrecting us from the graves we dig for ourselves through our violence, our lies, our selfishness, our arrogance, and our addictions. And God keeps loving us back to life over and over.

Nadia Bolz-Weber

Stop taking it literally—it's only the Bible, it's not gospel.