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Sparklers are the gay cousins of the fireworks family. I think a flashlight is more dangerous than a sparkler. My friends got M-80s, bottle rockets, ammonium nitrate, manure, a rented van. They're blowing shit up, getting things done. I'm walking around with a sparkler like the Special Olympics torch-boy.
Dave Attell
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Sex is not that important; it's the afterward part when you're naked and it's warm. Watching the sun come up through the windshield you look in her good eye and you help strap on her leg and you know: you fucked a pirate.
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I'm sitting in the bus station, minding my own business, reading 'Ta-Da!' magazine; a magazine by and for gay magicians, but that's a different story.
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This one guy, the worse guy in the music. The Yanni man. You know Yanni? First of all, anyone who looks like a magician and doesn't do magic, I don't like. I don't even like magic, I hate it. But I love the word, "Ta-da"! I love that word! I don't get to say it, right? I never do any magic. You just cant go around walking, "Ta-da!" "Ta-da!" "Ta-da!" The only time I can say it is when I do something really stupid or surprising. Like if I go out all night drinking and hitting strip clubs and I come home and I still got some money.... "Ta—-da!" I thought I was broke. Why does my jaw hurt?
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They have a luggage store at the airport? I mean, how late do you have to be running? Don't worry honey just grab a pile of shit... we'll get a bag at the airport!
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You ever hang out all night long and then you go home a little early? Then you get that call the next day? You know that call: You shoulda hung out man! What happened?! Ohhh! 10 minutes after you left. It's always 10 minutes after you leave when the all fun shows up. Like the fun-mobile is a block behind ya at all times. Full of strippers, and midgets, and balloons. And every type of fun imaginable. 10 minutes after you left, the Dixie Chicks broke in and fucked everybody. Even the fat boy with asthma wearing the Babylon 5 tee-shirt got a hand job. And it's never gonna happen again. After I heard that I started to cry; mostly 'cause I sat on my balls.
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People are so defensive, especially women, ya know. C'mon ladies. I offered a girl a tic-tac one time. Ya know what she says to me Oh do I need one? Is it my breath? Do you think I need one? I'm like, I'm just trying to be nice. If I was going to give you something you needed I would give you mustache wax and a t-shirt that says 'One Cock at a Time.'
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Things have been invented because of alcohol. Like the taser, okay? Yeah! The morning after pill, okay? The reach-around. Judge Judy. What has pot given the world? Hackey sack? YEAH! Hilarious ring tones? OH GAH! Ultimate Frisbee Championships? It sucks to be a champion at a sport that can't get you laid. It's an unneeded skill like, I dunno, being the best banjo player. Or a squirter.
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Sex and murder are the same. Well, you say the same after both don't you? "Damn I got to get the hell out of here!" "What was I thinking!"
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Eggnog - who thought that one up? "I wanna get a little drunk, but I also want some pancakes." You know what eggnog really is. You're not gonna want to hear it, but I'll tell ya. It's elf cum. You might as well pour it down your back and slap your self on the ass.
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I was in Dayton, Ohio. You ever been there? Yeah? You know what's a fun thing to do there? Pack up and get the fuck outta there. It's boring. During the day we played the game of horseshoes. That game must have been invented before fun, 'cause it's not. There's only two ways for that game to end: either "this sucks, let's do something else," or "owww, you hit me with a horseshoe."
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I went to see the shuttle go up. There was nobody there; I was the only guy there. Everybody was at NASCAR. Who's your favorite astronaut? If you could only fuck one astronaut, who would it be? Mission specialist Blabadahdah? But NASCAR, now that's something different. 'Cause goin' to outer space — that's for nerds. But driving quickly in a circle... hmm, who isn't wet?
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Florida looks like a gigantic penis! Doesn't it? Have you ever googled it? It looks like a gigantic peener! About to shoot a load of freedom all over Cuba. A bukkake of choices and ideas.
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Remember when you're young and you think your dad is Superman? And then you grow up and realized he's just a drunk who wears a cape.
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So, I travel a lot. I hate traveling, mostly 'cause my dad used to beat me with a globe.
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You see a guy with one leg, he's got a story. "Land mine '69." You see a guy with one arm, he's got a story, too. "Snow blower, bottle of whiskey." You see a guy with one tooth, what would the story be? "Well, uh, I like a lot of taffy."
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Some things are the same wherever you go. Like, if it feels like more than two fingers, it's probably a dick.
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Tattoos are cool because they don't belong on your body, but you put it there to say something about yourself. Much like my rolls of fat. That shit does not belong on a human body. And I put it there to say something about me. I don't like fruit. I don't like it! Long bike ride? I'm out. Hot dog eating contest? I'm listening.
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Everyone was laughin'. Even that deaf mute boy was breathing heavy and pointing at me. Which is laughter to their kind.
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Every man wonders about the size of their penis. Laying in bed alone at night, or in a hammock with a parrot. You start thinking, Do I have a small penis or just gigantic balls?
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I masturbate! I do it like I think if I keep doing it, I'm gonna win something.
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Is she crazy, like it says on her bracelet, or is she just looking at my sheets? I dunno!
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Even now, as we speak, people are having sex with animals. And we wonder why the animals attack us.
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If you see a man running down the street cock-flapping, you run with that man. 'Cause there is some scary shit coming the other way.
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My cousin had a baby and I was watching her breastfeed for a couple of bucks, and I'll tell you ladies: it's amazing.
Dave Attell
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Quote of the day
Time and trouble will tame an advanced young woman, but an advanced old woman is uncontrollable by any earthly force.
Dorothy L. Sayers
Dave Attell
Creative Commons
Born:
January 18, 1965
(age 59)
Bio:
Dave Attell is an American stand-up comedian, writer and actor, best known as the host of Comedy Central's Insomniac with Dave Attell and The Gong Show with Dave Attell.
Known for:
Trainwreck (2015)
Dave Attell's Insomniac Tour (2006)
Pootie Tang (2001)
Scary Movie 4 (2006)
Los Enchiladas! (1999)
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black
story
time
game
drunk
friend
night
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wake
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