Dave Attell - Man Quotes

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Every man wonders about the size of their penis. Laying in bed alone at night, or in a hammock with a parrot. You start thinking, Do I have a small penis or just gigantic balls?

Dave Attell
If you see a man running down the street cock-flapping, you run with that man. 'Cause there is some scary shit coming the other way.

Dave Attell
You know what my drink is? Jack Daniel's. Yes, that is a wild man drink. That should come with bail money, you know what I'm saying? Because on Jack, you don't know where you're going to end up, but you know when you get there, you won't be wearing any pants.

Dave Attell
Sometimes you need a cigarette. Like after you have sex with a beautiful woman or a confused young man.

Dave Attell
This one guy, the worse guy in the music. The Yanni man. You know Yanni? First of all, anyone who looks like a magician and doesn't do magic, I don't like. I don't even like magic, I hate it. But I love the word, "Ta-da"! I love that word! I don't get to say it, right? I never do any magic. You just can't go around walking, "Ta-da!" "Ta-da!" "Ta-da!" The only time I can say it is when I do something really stupid or surprising. Like if I go out all night drinking and hitting strip clubs and I come home and I still got some money.... "Ta—-da!" I thought I was broke. Why does my jaw hurt?

Dave Attell
You ever hang out all night long and then you go home a little early? Then you get that call the next day? You know that call: You shoulda hung out man! What happened?! Ohhh! 10 minutes after you left. It's always 10 minutes after you leave when the all fun shows up. Like the fun-mobile is a block behind ya at all times. Full of strippers, and midgets, and balloons. And every type of fun imaginable. 10 minutes after you left, the Dixie Chicks broke in and fucked everybody. Even the fat boy with asthma wearing the Babylon 5 tee-shirt got a hand job. And it's never gonna happen again. After I heard that I started to cry; mostly 'cause I sat on my balls.

Dave Attell