Comedian Quotes

Nobody thought Mel Gibson could play a Scot but look at him now! Alcoholic and a racist!

George, you're too old to get married again. Not only can't you cut the mustard, honey, you're too old to open the jar.

At a dinner to honour George Burns

It is impossible for an abortion clinic to have a waiting list of more than nine months.

I've got a fourteen minute act and a few bits and pieces I could string out to half an hour or so. What the hell am I to do?

After being booked a one-man show at The Crucible in Sheffield

Most people unfamiliar with the men in a new town might search for love until they find it. I picked out some guy on my second day in LA, who worked at the local bicycle shop, and handed my virginity to him. You can fill a tire? Sounds good to me. Let's call it a date. Needless to say he wasn't Mr. Right.

I am not who I sleep with. I am not my weight. I am not my mother. I am myself. And I am all of you, and I thank you.

On her husband:

Fang is the cheapest man alive. On Christmas Eve, he puts the kids to bed, fires one shot, and tells them Santa has committed suicide.

You know you're working class when your TV is bigger than your bookcase.

Suicide is the #1 killer of a person who is in a boat and happens to be passing under a bridge at the wrong time.

Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition! Our chief weapon is surprise—surprise and fear…fear and surprise…our two weapons are fear and surprise—and ruthless efficiency…our three weapons are fear and surprise and ruthless efficiency and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope…our four…no…Amongst our weapons—amongst our weaponry—are such elements as fear, surprise…I'll come in again.

Abbott: Now, on the St Louis team we have Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know is on third.
Costello: That's what I want to find out.

I don't mind being called a hairy, humourless lesbian because that is what I aspire to be.

Bridget Christie

The stinkiest hair products have got to be any sort of perm, and Nair. In fact, they smell remarkably similar. Do you think that Nair is just a souped-up version of a perm that makes your leg hair super-curl until it falls off? And can anything that smells that bad be good for you?

Children raised with love and compassion will be free to use their time as adults in meaningful and creative ways, rather than expressing their childhood hurts in ways that harm themselves or others. If adults have no need to deal with the past, they can live fully in the present.

I had a meal last night. I ordered everything in French, surprised everybody. It was a Chinese restaurant. I said to this Chinese waiter, 'Look, this chicken I got here is cold.' He said, 'It should be, it's been dead two weeks.'

The English like eccentrics. They just don't like them living next door.

I'm not saying my mother didn't like me, but she kept looking for loopholes in my birth certificate.

Your financial cost can best be figured out when you realize that if you were to devote the same time and energy to business instead of gold, you would be a millionaire in approximately six weeks.

Wherever my dad is now, he's looking down on me…not because he's dead but because he is very condescending.

If no one saw - it didn't count. It's only when you eat in front of strangers or people that make you feel guilty that food is really fattening.

Time's Person of the Year is quite an honor, unless you are named in the year when Zika broke out; the Earth was the hottest it has ever been; Muhammad Ali, Prince, and David Bowie died; Syria exploded; Brexit happened; and oh, Donald Trump was elected president. Congratulations! You are the face of the worst year ever.

Donald Trump has been named Time magazine’s Person of the Year

If they ever invent a vibrator that can open pickle jars, we've had it.

On the bleak future facing men

Jeff Green (comedian)

Steve Rossi: What is the difference between erotic sex and kinky sex?
Allen: Erotic sex, you use a feather.
Rossi: And, what about kinky sex?
Allen: You use the whole chicken.

The person closest to actually achieving this look is Kim Kardashian, who, as we know, was made by Russian scientists to sabotage our athletes. Everyone else is struggling.

There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure.

Jack E. Leonard