Tommy Cooper Quotes

14 Sourced Quotes

Someone actually complimented me on my driving the other day. They put a note on my windscreen that said, 'Parking fine'. So that was nice.

Tommy Cooper
So, I met this man the airport, and he said to me "would you like to share a taxi?" I said yes. You will take the wheels and I will take the engine.

Tommy Cooper
I went to a fortune teller and she looked at my hands. She said, 'Your future looks pretty black.' I said, 'Are you kidding? I've still got my gloves on!

Tommy Cooper
I went to a travel agency to see about my holidays. There was a big poster about Mallorca. So I said, I want go there, and he pinned to the wall.

Tommy Cooper
I took a look at my tires the other day. I've seen more rubber on the end of a pencil.

Tommy Cooper
This woman went to the doctor. He said 'You've got a bad back.' She said, 'I want a second opinion.' He said, 'Well, you're a ugly as well.'

Tommy Cooper
There's a new kind of Russian roulette. You get six cobras in a room and you play a flute. One of them is deaf.

Tommy Cooper
This old man said, 'I haven't tasted food for weeks.' I said, 'Don't worry. It still tastes the same.'

Tommy Cooper
It's easy to grin when your ship comes in and life is a happy lot, but the man worthwhile is the man who can smile when his shirt creeps up in a knot.

Tommy Cooper
I always wanted to be a dentist, but my hands were too big. Before I could get to the back teeth, I had to pull out all the front teeth.

Tommy Cooper
Early to be and early to rise, till you make enough money to do otherwise.

Tommy Cooper
It's often said that alcohol and petrol don't mix. They do, but it tastes terrible!

Tommy Cooper
When my wife was pregnant we went to see a baby doctor, but he didn't know anything. He was only eight months old!

Tommy Cooper
I had a meal last night. I ordered everything in French, surprised everybody. It was a Chinese restaurant. I said to this Chinese waiter, 'Look, this chicken I got here is cold.' He said, 'It should be, it's been dead two weeks.'

Tommy Cooper