Demetri Martin Quotes

41 Sourced Quotes

I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

Demetri Martin
Villains fear me because I am unpredictable and broccoli. See what I mean?

Demetri Martin
You never forget your first kiss. And that's what makes it so hard to forgive my uncle.

Demetri Martin
The Pursuit of Happiness: It sure seems to like a good chase, doesn't it?

Demetri Martin
Your mind is like a sponge, in the sense that it would come in handy when cleaning off a countertop or something like that.

Demetri Martin
I am everything and I am nothing. I am just kidding; I am not everything and nothing. That would be ridiculous. I am just everything.

Demetri Martin
I am sometimes referred to as Excuse Me in an annoyed tone of voice, because apparently I am in the way. I am so sorry. I am supposed to be some sort of mind reader, I guess. I am moving out of the way now as slowly as I possibly can. I am doing this and there's nothing you can do about it.

Demetri Martin
Sometimes it looks like I'm dancing, but it's just that I walked into a spider web.

Demetri Martin
Reality is a concept that depends largely upon where you point your face.

Demetri Martin
Statistics indicate that the average American is a guy named Brian who lives in Ohio.

Demetri Martin
If you happen to catch on fire during the show, do not panic or wave your arms around or scream or we wil give something to panic and wave you arms around and scream about.

Demetri Martin
The lord works in mysterious ways. Indeed. And a shorter way to say that is: God is a sneak.

Demetri Martin
If you stretched the average person's intestines out from end to end, it would make them scream a lot.

Demetri Martin
I am bravery. I am courage. I am valor. I am daring. I am holding a thesaurus.

Demetri Martin
We do not allow dwarf tossing. If you toss a dwarf, the dwarf will be tossed right back at you, but faster.

Demetri Martin
I have never been in a bad mood and near a beach ball at the same time. Causation? Correlation? Or fate?

Demetri Martin
The best way to make somebody feel important is to try to assassinate them.

Demetri Martin
As soon as I jumped out of the airplane, I realized I had forgotten my parachute. Thank God we were still on the runway.

Demetri Martin
Drunken behavior will not be tolerated, except by those who are being hilarious.

Demetri Martin
I am what I eat. And I am this especially when I bite my nails.

Demetri Martin
Suicide is the #1 killer of a person who is in a boat and happens to be passing under a bridge at the wrong time.

Demetri Martin
THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the police sketch artist. This is one of the rare instances where two people can do one self-portrait.

Demetri Martin
REGARDING THE MARCHING BAND: How much more interesting it would be to see a creeping band.

Demetri Martin
I am a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a pita. Why the pita? That counts as another mystery.

Demetri Martin
I am the Walrus, but not the one you're probably thinking of. I am the other Walrus, the one who is less the Walrus in the sense of legendary music and more the Walrus in the sense of his tendency to to lie around in places for too long.

Demetri Martin
A know-it-all is a person who knows everything except for how annoying he is.

Demetri Martin
It is illegal to yell fire in a crowded theater. If there is a fire, please yell something else instead, like Flames! or Smoke maker! or Bad hot!

Demetri Martin
Some jokes are short and elegant, like a mathematical proof or a midget in a ball-gown.

Demetri Martin
Whenever I investigate a smell, I find that the answer is always bad. It's never: 'What is that? [sniff] muffins'!

Demetri Martin
Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is.

Demetri Martin