Mitch Hedberg Quotes

133 Sourced Quotes

I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.

Mitch Hedberg
I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

Mitch Hedberg
You know, I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later.

Mitch Hedberg
An escalator can never break, it can only become stairs. You would never see an "Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order" sign, just "Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience. We apologize for the fact that you can still get up there."

Mitch Hedberg
I saw a commercial on late night TV, it said,"Forget everything you know about slipcovers." So I did. And it was a load off my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell me slipcovers, and I didn't know what the hell they were.

Mitch Hedberg
My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said "No, but I want a regular banana later, so … yeah".

Mitch Hedberg
This shirt is "dry-clean only"... Which means it's dirty.

Mitch Hedberg
I find a duck's opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread. Ducks love bread, but they can't buy any. That's the biggest joke on the duck ever. (in addition to and along with this duck line- a bit from the Letterman show)—

Mitch Hedberg
Sometimes I wave to people I don't know. It's very dangerous to wave to someone you don't know because, what if they don't have a hand? They'll think you're cocky. "Look what I got motherfucker! This thing is useful. I'm gonna go pick something up!"

Mitch Hedberg
I've got an oscillating fan at my house. The fan goes back and forth. It looks like the fan is saying "No". So I like to ask it questions that a fan would say "no" to. "Do you keep my hair in place? Do you keep my documents in order? Do you have 3 settings? Liar!" My fan fucking lied to me. Now I will pull the pin up. Now you ain't sayin' shit.

Mitch Hedberg
I think they could take sesame seeds off the market and I wouldn't even care. I can't imagine 5 years from now, saying "Damn, remember sesame seeds? What happened? All the buns are blank! They're gonna have to change that McDonald's song: 'Two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions, on a... Bun.' How's a sesame seed stick to a bun? That's fuckin' magical! There's got to be some sesame seed glue out there! Either that, or they're adhesive on one side. "Take the sesame seed out, remove the backing, place it on the bun. Now your bun will look spectacular." What does a sesame seed grow into? I don't know, we never gave them a chance! What the fuck is a sesame? It's a street... It's a way to open shit!

Mitch Hedberg
To the people in the bathroom: How's it going in there?

Mitch Hedberg
Hey, this joke's on the first CD, but I added a new line so I can't fuckin' rob you of this one: I got an ant farm; them fellas didn't grow shit. I said C'mon, what about some celery? You fuckers don't farm. Plus, if I tore your legs off, you would look like snowmen. That's... That's the part that's not on the old CD.

Mitch Hedberg
A fly was very close to being called a "land," cause that's what they do half the time.

Mitch Hedberg
You know when you go into a bar and you want to wash your hands, so you go to the bathroom, and they don't have any hot water? You turn on the C knob, cold water comes out, you turn on the H knob, cold water comes out! It's like, fuck, you cheap bar! But I can accept that, but I just want to know what H stands for now! C obviously stands for "cold." H must stand for, "Ha Ha Dude! You thought this shit was hot, but it is not! Now go spread some germs!"

Mitch Hedberg
If I had a dollar for every time I said that, I'd be making money in a very weird way.

Mitch Hedberg
I saw this commercial on late night TV, it was for this thing you attach to a garden hose, it was like "You can water your hard-to-reach plants with this product." Who the fuck would make their plants hard to reach? That seems so very mean. "I know you need water, but I'm gonna make you hard to reach! I will throw water at you. Hopefully they will invent a product before you shrivel and die! Think like a cactus!"

Mitch Hedberg
I never joined the army because "at ease" never seemed that easy to me. It seemed rather uptight, still. I do not relax by putting my arms behind my back and parting my legs slightly, that does not equal ease to me. At ease is not being in the military. I'm eased bro, cause I'm not in the military.

Mitch Hedberg
Somebody's got a hat they're not wearing... either that or that table's fucking hip.

Mitch Hedberg
I've always wanted a suitcase handcuffed to my wrist... Alright.

Mitch Hedberg
I went to a pizzeria, I ordered a slice of pizza, the fucker gave me the smallest slice possible. If the pizza was a pie chart for what people would do if they found a million dollars, the fucker gave me the "donate it to charity" slice. I would like to exchange this for the "keep it!"

Mitch Hedberg
I get the Reese's candy bar, if you read that name Reese's that's an apostrophe-S. Reese-apostrophe-S, on the end of that name. That means the candy bar is his, I didn't know that! Next time you're eating a Reese's candy bar and a guy name Reese comes by and says "Let me have that," you'd better hand it over. "I'm sorry, Reese, I didn't think I'd ever run into you! You're a fuckin' bully, man! Let me at least have a piece!"

Mitch Hedberg
I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like "Dude, you have to wait."

Mitch Hedberg
I can't tell you what hotel I'm stayin' in, but there are 2 trees involved. They said "Let's call this hotel 'Something Tree'". So they had a meeting, it was... It was quite short. "How 'bout 'Tree'?" "No." "'Double Tree'?" "Hell, yeah! Meeting adjourned!" "I had my heart set on 'Quadruple Tree'" "Well, we were almost there!

Mitch Hedberg
I was walking down the street with my friend and he said "I hear music", as if there is any other way you can take it in. You're not special, that's how I receive it too. I tried to taste it but it did not work.

Mitch Hedberg
I like the American-Canadian border, 'cause if you're walking on the border with a friend, and you push your friend into Canada, he can't push you back right away, 'cause first he has to go through customs. "What brings you to Canada?":[Points to the side] "That asshole." "When are you leaving?" "As soon as I regain my equilibrium!"

Mitch Hedberg
What am I drinking? NyQuil on the rocks, for when you're feeling sick but sociable.

Mitch Hedberg
I got a king sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable. "Oh, you're a king, you say? Well you won't believe what I have in store for you! It's to your exact specifications! I believe I can set up your old lady, too!"

Mitch Hedberg
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

Mitch Hedberg
Fish are always eating other fish. If fish could scream, the ocean would be loud as shit. You would not want to submerge your head, nothing but fish going "Ahhh, fuck! I thought I looked like that rock!"

Mitch Hedberg