Mitch Hedberg Short Quotes

25 Sourced Quotes

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I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.

Mitch Hedberg
If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be fucked up.

Mitch Hedberg
I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

Mitch Hedberg
To the people in the bathroom: How's it going in there?

Mitch Hedberg
This shirt is "dry-clean only"... Which means it's dirty.

Mitch Hedberg
I had one anchovy, that's why I didn't have two anchovies.

Mitch Hedberg
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Mitch Hedberg
I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

Mitch Hedberg
I have a vest. If I had my arms cut off, it would be a jacket.

Mitch Hedberg
I've always wanted a suitcase handcuffed to my wrist... Alright.

Mitch Hedberg
Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?

Mitch Hedberg
I like it when people laugh for no reason... like that lady over there.

Mitch Hedberg
I like wearing necklaces, because it lets me know when I'm upside down.

Mitch Hedberg
Here's a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.

Mitch Hedberg
I bought a $7 pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.

Mitch Hedberg
I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like "Dude, you have to wait."

Mitch Hedberg
I like rice. Rice is great when you're hungry and you want 2,000 of something.

Mitch Hedberg
I had a parrot. The parrot talked, but it did not say "I'm hungry", so it died.

Mitch Hedberg
Yeah, this comedy is all a part of my Get Rich Slow scheme... and it's working.

Mitch Hedberg
When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.

Mitch Hedberg
I am not addicted to gambling although I am addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

Mitch Hedberg
I don't have a microwave oven, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks shit.

Mitch Hedberg
What am I drinking? NyQuil on the rocks, for when you're feeling sick but sociable.

Mitch Hedberg
Somebody's got a hat they're not wearing... either that or that table's fucking hip.

Mitch Hedberg
If you have dentures, don't use artificial sweetener, cause you'll get a fake cavity.

Mitch Hedberg
I would imagine that the inside of a bottle of cleaning fluid is... fucking... clean.

Mitch Hedberg
If I had a dollar for every time I said that, I'd be making money in a very weird way.

Mitch Hedberg
A fly was very close to being called a "land," cause that's what they do half the time.

Mitch Hedberg
Remember that show 'My Three Sons'? It'd be funny if it was called 'My One Dad'... wait, what?

Mitch Hedberg
I'd like to make a vending machine that sells vending machines. It'd have to be real fuckin' big!

Mitch Hedberg