Mitch Hedberg - People Quotes

15 Sourced Quotes

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Alright, there are a lot of people in the bathroom and I don't wanna waste these jokes, so I'm gonna hang out for a little bit. Are there speakers in the bathroom? Alright well fuck it, let's do it. I'll just save my more physical stuff for later; this is all audio.

Mitch Hedberg
You know when it comes to racism, people say: " I don't care if they're black, white, purple or green"… Ooh hold on now: Purple or Green? You gotta draw the line somewhere! To hell with purple people! - Unless they're suffocating - then help'em.

Mitch Hedberg
I like it when people laugh for no reason... like that lady over there.

Mitch Hedberg
My hotel doesn't have a 13th Floor because of superstition, but c'mon man... People on the 14th Floor, you know what floor you're really on. "What room are you in?" "1401". "No, you're not. Jump out of window, you'll die earlier!".

Mitch Hedberg
When I play the South, they say "y'all" in the South. They take out the "O" and the "U". So when I'm in the South I try to talk like that so people understand me. "Hello, can I have a bowl of chicken noodle s-p? Come on, I'm in the South, you understand. I mean I'm in the S-th, and I want some s-p!" "I stubbed my toe, -ch!" "I need to lay down on the c-ch!" "I need to get the fuck -t of the S-th!"

Mitch Hedberg
I love sandwiches. Sandwiches are easy to eat, but I hate sandwiches at New York delis; too much fuckin' meat on the sandwich. It's like a cow with a cracker on either side. Walk in, order a pastrami sandwich. "Alright, anything else?" "Yeah, a loaf of bread and some other people!" "What kinda bread?" "Rye. No, fuck, banana. You got banana bread back there?" "What kinda cheese?" "Cottage." "Get the fuck out! I'm not makin' a banana bread, pastrami, cottage cheese sandwich! That would severely ruin my reputation!"

Mitch Hedberg
I walked into Target, but I missed. I think the entrance to Target should have people splattered all around. And, when I finally get in, the guy says "Can I help you?" "Just practicing."

Mitch Hedberg
I went to a pizzeria, I ordered a slice of pizza, the fucker gave me the smallest slice possible. If the pizza was a pie chart for what people would do if they found a million dollars, the fucker gave me the "donate it to charity" slice. I would like to exchange this for the "keep it!"

Mitch Hedberg
To the people in the bathroom: How's it going in there?

Mitch Hedberg
Sometimes I wave to people I don't know. It's very dangerous to wave to someone you don't know because, what if they don't have a hand? They'll think you're cocky. "Look what I got motherfucker! This thing is useful. I'm gonna go pick something up!"

Mitch Hedberg
Some people think I'm high on stage; I would never get high before a show, because, when I'm high, I don't wanna stand in front of a bunch of people I don't know. That does not sound comfortable. Like, when you're high, and a joke doesn't work, it's extra scary. It's like,"Whoa, what the hell happened there? I am retreating within myself. Why have all these people gathered? And why am I elevated? Why am I not facing the same way as everyone else? And what is this electric stick in my hand?"

Mitch Hedberg
I just bought a 2-bedroom house, but I think I get to decide how many bedrooms there are, don't you? "Fuck you, real estate lady! This bedroom has an oven in it! This bedroom's got a lot of people sitting around watching TV. This bedroom's over in that guy's house! Sir, you have one of my bedrooms, are you aware? Don't decorate it!"

Mitch Hedberg
Check this joke out: If you wanna talk to me after the show I'll be... Fuckin'... Surprised. I'm gonna have to have some liner notes for that joke, like "During that joke, he points to the back." So people get the full experience. I'm gonna do a bunch of jokes that require actually seeing me. Then the CD will piss people off.

Mitch Hedberg
When I was younger, my mother told me, "Mitch, some day you're going to have to move out of the house and get a job." Well, today is the day, that's why I'm here with you people.

Mitch Hedberg
I hope the next time I move I get a real easy phone number, something that's real easy to remember. Something like two two two two two two two. I would say "Sweet." And then people would say "Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?" I'd say "Just press two for a while and when I answer, you will know you have pressed two enough."

Mitch Hedberg