Mitch Hedberg - Friend Quotes

8 Sourced Quotes

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Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier'n helpin' 'em move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.

Mitch Hedberg
My friend said to me "I think the weather's trippy." I said "No, man, it's not the weather that's trippy, perhaps it is the way that we perceive it that is indeed trippy." Then I thought "Man, I should have just said 'Yeah.'"

Mitch Hedberg
I was walking down the street with my friend and he said "I hear music", as if there is any other way you can take it in. You're not special, that's how I receive it too. I tried to taste it but it did not work.

Mitch Hedberg
I like the American-Canadian border, 'cause if you're walking on the border with a friend, and you push your friend into Canada, he can't push you back right away, 'cause first he has to go through customs. "What brings you to Canada?":[Points to the side] "That asshole." "When are you leaving?" "As soon as I regain my equilibrium!"

Mitch Hedberg
My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said "No, but I want a regular banana later, so … yeah".

Mitch Hedberg
If I worked at a store and a duck came in I would like just give him some bread— "sure man no problem— tell your friends"—- but I would not give him Pepperidge Farm bread.... You know that stuff right? you open it and it still ain't open. That is why I do not buy it. Cause I do not need another step, between me and toast."

Mitch Hedberg
I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut. I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. I'll just give you the money, and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I just can't imagine a scenario where I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. Some skeptical friend: "Don't even act like I didn't get that doughnut! I got the documentation right here... oh, wait it's at home... in the file... under "D".

Mitch Hedberg
This is what my friend said to me; he said "Guess what I like? Mashed potatoes." It's like,"Dude. you gotta give me time to guess. If you're gonna quiz me, you must insert a pause in there."

Mitch Hedberg