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Steven Wright Quotes
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I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast any time'. So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
Steven Wright
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Sometimes you can't hear me, it's because sometimes I'm in parentheses.
Steven Wright
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I had a dream... that all babies prevented by the pill showed up. They were mad.
Steven Wright
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Right now I'm having amnesia and déja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
Steven Wright
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You never know what you have until it's gone, and I wanted to know what I had, so I got rid of everything.
Steven Wright
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I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.
Steven Wright
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Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
Steven Wright
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The audience still won't laugh at a joke unless they think it's funny. I know that because I try out new jokes within my show, I slip some in here and there, and ever since the beginning, I've had a one-in-five, or one-in-four ratio. For every four or five I write, one will be good enough to stay in the act, and that's still true even now.
Steven Wright
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I have a large seashell collection which I keep scattered on the beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen it.
Steven Wright
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I wish the first word I ever said was the word "quote," so right before I die I could say "unquote."
Steven Wright
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In school they told me "Practice makes perfect." And then they told me "Nobody's perfect," so then I stopped practicing.
Steven Wright
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I'm staying in an old hotel. They sent me a wake-up letter.
Steven Wright
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A friend of mine has a trophy wife, but apparently it wasn't first place.
Steven Wright
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[unenthusiastically at the beginning of every show in response to audience applause] Thanks.
Steven Wright
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They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.
Steven Wright
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I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
Steven Wright
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I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me, and I didn't hear a thing.
Steven Wright
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I was caesarean born, but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house I go out through the window.
Steven Wright
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I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
Steven Wright
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There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
Steven Wright
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Lots of my friends have babies, but I don't have any babies. But I have lots of friends; babies don't have any friends. They all have those baby-monitors so they can hear the baby from the other room, which I consider a form of wiretapping. One day there's gonna be a really smart baby who makes a fake recording of some fake baby noises... gonna crawl out of the window and go to Italy. I need one of those baby-monitors for my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about. Sometimes I talk to myself fluently in languages I'm unfamiliar with... just to screw with my subconscious. It's a good thing a lot of people speak foreign languages, otherwise those people would have no one to talk to.
Steven Wright
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I would just like to say that I think the universe is underrated. I think the galaxy — people don't pay attention enough to the galaxy and the rest of the universe. Humans are obsessed with the Earth. And I think that's narrow-minded. Are you taping this?
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When I first read the dictionary, I thought it was a long poem about everything.
Steven Wright
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I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It's a start...
Steven Wright
Quote of the day
Men are not against you, they are merely for themselves.
Gene Fowler
Steven Wright
Creative Commons
Born:
December 6, 1955
(age 69)
Bio:
Steven Alexander Wright is an American comedian, actor, writer, and an Oscar-winning film producer.
Known for:
Reservoir Dogs (1992)
Horace and Pete (Since 2016)
The Appointments of Dennis Jennings (1988)
Desperately Seeking Susan (1985)
So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993)
Most used words:
baby
babies
people
friends
hear
Steven Wright on Wikipedia
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