Steven Wright Quotes

24 Sourced Quotes

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast any time'. So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

Steven Wright
Sometimes you can't hear me, it's because sometimes I'm in parentheses.

Steven Wright
I had a dream... that all babies prevented by the pill showed up. They were mad.

Steven Wright
Right now I'm having amnesia and déja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

Steven Wright
You never know what you have until it's gone, and I wanted to know what I had, so I got rid of everything.

Steven Wright
I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.

Steven Wright
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

Steven Wright
The audience still won't laugh at a joke unless they think it's funny. I know that because I try out new jokes within my show, I slip some in here and there, and ever since the beginning, I've had a one-in-five, or one-in-four ratio. For every four or five I write, one will be good enough to stay in the act, and that's still true even now.

Steven Wright
I have a large seashell collection which I keep scattered on the beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen it.

Steven Wright
I wish the first word I ever said was the word "quote," so right before I die I could say "unquote."

Steven Wright
In school they told me "Practice makes perfect." And then they told me "Nobody's perfect," so then I stopped practicing.

Steven Wright
I'm staying in an old hotel. They sent me a wake-up letter.

Steven Wright
A friend of mine has a trophy wife, but apparently it wasn't first place.

Steven Wright
[unenthusiastically at the beginning of every show in response to audience applause] Thanks.

Steven Wright
They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.

Steven Wright
I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.

Steven Wright
I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me, and I didn't hear a thing.

Steven Wright
I was caesarean born, but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house I go out through the window.

Steven Wright
I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

Steven Wright
There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Steven Wright
Lots of my friends have babies, but I don't have any babies. But I have lots of friends; babies don't have any friends. They all have those baby-monitors so they can hear the baby from the other room, which I consider a form of wiretapping. One day there's gonna be a really smart baby who makes a fake recording of some fake baby noises... gonna crawl out of the window and go to Italy. I need one of those baby-monitors for my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about. Sometimes I talk to myself fluently in languages I'm unfamiliar with... just to screw with my subconscious. It's a good thing a lot of people speak foreign languages, otherwise those people would have no one to talk to.

Steven Wright
I would just like to say that I think the universe is underrated. I think the galaxy — people don't pay attention enough to the galaxy and the rest of the universe. Humans are obsessed with the Earth. And I think that's narrow-minded. Are you taping this?

Steven Wright
When I first read the dictionary, I thought it was a long poem about everything.

Steven Wright
I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It's a start...

Steven Wright