Demetri Martin Quotes

41 Sourced Quotes

There's an old Russian saying that goes some way or another. I don't know it. I don't speak Russian. But sometimes I think about it and wonder if it's relevant to what I'm going through at the time. Probably not. I mean what do Russian know about hunger, anyway?

Demetri Martin
Leave no stone unturned in your quest to disrupt a rock garden.

Demetri Martin
Like a lot of people, I've always enjoyed commenting on strangers' outfits. Unlike a lot of people, I now had a new megaphone to do it with. And, let me tell you, commenting on people's hilarious clothing choices through a megaphone makes it so much better.

Demetri Martin
Socrates became a trendsetter. Other philosophers, including Plato and Aristotle and Gus, quickly followed suit, dropping their last names too. And, for centuries after that there would be countless imitators including oltaire, Michelangelo, and, much later, Cher.

Demetri Martin
Whenever I'm on my computer, I don't type 'lol'. I type 'lqtm': 'laugh quietly to myself'. It's more honest.

Demetri Martin
To some I am known as Chief. And these are usually people who work in Radio Shack or try to sell me shoes. To others I am known as Buddy. These are people who dwell in bars and wonder if I've got a problem or what it is that I am looking at. And to still others, who are in that same bar, standing just off to the side, I am Get Him!

Demetri Martin
Most of the people I hang out with are comedians. Most of the comedians I know are passionate about what they do. And all of them like to talk about comedy. It's wonderful. There is a special camaraderie that comes from the shared experience of bombing in front of groups of strangers. Because, while it's great to see one of your friends tell an "I wish I thought of that" joke, it's hilarious to watch them tell an "I'm glad I didn't think of that" joke.

Demetri Martin
The plastic knife is perfect for when a person just wants to make some marks on his food and get insanely frustrated at the same time.

Demetri Martin
Our Times, a Brief History: As televisions became flatter, People became rounder.

Demetri Martin
Everybody knew that you should never provoke a rattlesnake, much less tie it into a bow. But that didn't stop Judd. What did stop him was the rattlesnake.

Demetri Martin
The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door.

Demetri Martin