19th-century Comedian Quotes

Groucho Marx

Stanley Holloway

Chico Marx

Robert Benchley

Artemus Ward

George Leybourne

Robb Wilton

In France, for example, it is not unusual for a husband to have a wife and a mistress. However, if in addition to these two he's also having a fling with a fringe tootsie, both the wife and the mistress are outraged and the combination lover, husband, and cheat may well wind up with a large French bread knife between his ribs.

If you think you have caught a cold, call a good doctor. Call in three doctors and play bridge.

Robert Benchley

It is a pity that Chawcer, who had geneyus, was so unedicated. He's the wuss speller I know of.

He flies through the air with the greatest of ease, This daring young man on the flying trapeze; His figure is handsome, all girls he can please, And my love he purloined her away!

George Leybourne

If things get too much for you and you feel the whole world's against you, go stand on your head. If you can think of anything crazier to do, do it.

My knees started knocking, I did feel so sad.
Then Brown said, "Don't die in a pub, it looks bad,"
He said, "Come with me, I'll show you what to do.
Now I've got a friend who'll be useful to you."
He led me to Black's Undertaking Depot,
And Black, with some crepe round his hat said, "Hello,
My word you do look queer!"

Stanley Holloway

She said,"What are you supposed to do?"
I said, "I'm supposed to stop Hitler's army landing."
She said, "What! – you?"
I said, "No – there's Charlie Evans, Dick Roberts... I said, "There's seven or eight of us, altogether." I said, "We're in a group." I said, "We're on guard in a little hut behind the Dog and Pullet."
She said, "What's the good of being in a little hut behind the Dog and Pullet?" She said, "I suppose that was your idea!"
I said, "Aye, and that Charlie Evans wants to claim it as his!"

We was as 'appy as could be that day
Down at the Welsh 'Arp, which is 'Endon way.

Albert Chevalier

Ah! what is man? Wherefore does he why? Whence did he whence? Whither is he withering?

Remember what the Patriarch King Solomon
Told his harem on the night they'd had a few:
"Teetotalum overcoatum asqua scutum atomack
Sonata with tomoto, laringitis, cul de sac."
Translation: "If your rhubarb's fallen try and bend it back."
That's a motto for the likes of me and you.

You should see me dance the Polka,
You should see me cover the ground,
You should see my coat-tails flying,
As I jump my partner round.

George Grossmith

On being observed by his wife kissing a chorus girl:

I wasn't kissing her, I was whispering into her mouth.