Artemus Ward Quotes

22 Sourced Quotes

I can't sing. As a singist I am not a success. I am saddest when I sing. So are those who hear me. They are sadder even than I am.

Artemus Ward
It is a pity that Chawcer, who had geneyus, was so unedicated. He's the wuss speller I know of.

Artemus Ward
I am not a politician, and my other habits are good, also.

Artemus Ward
Let us all be happy and live within our means, even if we have to borrow the money to do it with.

Artemus Ward
Did you ever have the measels, and if so, how many?

Artemus Ward
They cherish his mem'ry, and them as sell picturs of his birthplace, etc., make it prof'tible cherishin' it.

Artemus Ward
The Puritans nobly fled from a land of despotism to a land of freedom, where they could not only enjoy their own religion, but could prevent everybody else from enjoying his.

Artemus Ward
I packt up my duds & left Salt Lake, which is a 2nd Soddum & Gemorrer, inhabitid by as theavin & onprincipled a set of retchis as ever drew breth in eny spot on the globe.

Artemus Ward
Brigham Young has two hundred wives. He loves not wisely but two hundred well.

Artemus Ward
Why is this thus? What is the reason of this thusness?

Artemus Ward
Trouble will come soon enough, and when he does come receive him as pleasantly as possible. Like the tax collector, he is a disagreeable chap to have in one's house, but the more amiably you greet him the sooner he will go away.

Artemus Ward
G. Washington was about the best man this country ever sot eyes on. He was a clear-heded, warm-hearted, and stiddy goin man. He never slopt over! The prevailin' weakness of most public men is to slop over! … Washington never slopt over. That wasn't George's stile. He luved his country dearly. He wasn't after the spiles [spoils]. He was a human angil in a 3 kornered hat and knee britches.

Artemus Ward
My pollertics, like my religion, being of an exceedin' accommodatin' character.

Artemus Ward
He is dreadfully married. "He's the most married man I ever saw in my life."

Artemus Ward
... their eyes sparkled like diminds, their cheeks was like roses, and they was charmin enuff to make a man throw stuns at his granmother, if they axed him to.

Artemus Ward
They shoot folks here somewhat and the law is rather partial than otherwise to first-class murderers.
Of Carson City, Nevada

Artemus Ward
I wish thar was winders to my Sole, sed I, so that you could see some of my feelins.

Artemus Ward
I'm not a politician and my other habits air good.

Artemus Ward
The female woman is one of the greatest institutions of which this land can boste.

Artemus Ward
Napoleon has no right to Mexico. Mexico may deserve a licking. That is possible enough. Most people do. But nobody has any right to lick Mexico except the United States. We have a right, I flatter myself, to lick the entire continent, including ourselves, any time we want to.

Artemus Ward
The sun has a right to "set" where it wants to, and so, I may add, has a hen.

Artemus Ward
The fack can't be no longer disgised that a Krysis is onto us.

Artemus Ward