Groucho Marx Quotes

71 Sourced Quotes

I sent the club a wire stating, "PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT PEOPLE LIKE ME AS A MEMBER".

Groucho Marx
Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

Groucho Marx
I got $25 from Reader's Digest last week for something I never said. I get credit all the time for things I never said. You know that line in You Bet Your Life? The guy says he has seventeen kids and I say: "I smoke a cigar, but I take it out of my mouth occasionally"? I never said that.

Groucho Marx
I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it."

Groucho Marx
Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.

Groucho Marx
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend on reading it.

Groucho Marx
Madam, you're making history, in fact, you're making me, and I wish you'd keep my hands to yourself

Groucho Marx
I know a member of one of New York's first families (first as you drive up Tenth Avenue)

Groucho Marx
I can't understand why you don't get any mail from me. Perhaps it's because I haven't been writing

Groucho Marx
Mr.Blank's reputation as a card shark had preceded him. No one accused him of being dishonest, but on the other hand no one accused him of being honest.

Groucho Marx
I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book. ANOTHER VERSION I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book. ANOTHER VERSION I find television very educational. Every time someone turns it on, I go in the other room and read a book.

Groucho Marx
An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of bandages and adhesive tape.

Groucho Marx
Some day there will have to be some new rules established about name-calling. I don't mean the routine cursing that goes on between husband and wife, but the naming of defenseless, unsuspecting babies.

Groucho Marx
In France, for example, it is not unusual for a husband to have a wife and a mistress. However, if in addition to these two he's also having a fling with a fringe tootsie, both the wife and the mistress are outraged and the combination lover, husband, and cheat may well wind up with a large French bread knife between his ribs.

Groucho Marx
Remember, the grass is always greener where you don't happen to be the neighbor.

Groucho Marx
I hope all your teeth have cavities, and don't forget; abscess makes the heart grow fonder.

Groucho Marx
Well, that covers a lot of ground. Say, you cover a lot of ground yourself. You better beat it - I hear they're going to tear you down and put up an office building where you're standing. You can leave in a taxi. If you can't get a taxi, you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, you can leave in a minute and a huff. You know, you haven't stopped talking since I came here? You must have been vaccinated with a phonograph needle.

Groucho Marx
Believe me, you have to get up early if you want to get out of bed.

Groucho Marx
Don't ever underestimate the importance of money. I know it's often been said that money won't make you happy and this is undeniably true, but everything else being equal, it's a lovely thing to have around the house.

Groucho Marx
If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower.

Groucho Marx
Although it is generally known, I think it's about time to announce that I was born at a very early age.

Groucho Marx
Emily, I've a little confession to make. I really am a horse doctor. But marry me, and I'll never look at any other horse.

Groucho Marx
The first part of the party of the first part shall be known in this contract as the first part of the party of the first part shall be known in this contract— Look, why should we quarrel about a thing like this? We'll take it right out, eh?

Groucho Marx
Even the intellectual crowd will have none of me. Physically, I look like one of them. Graying at the temples, I walk with a slight limp and wear thick glasses.

Groucho Marx
Remember, you're fighting for this woman's honor, which is probably more than she ever did.

Groucho Marx
I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30.

Groucho Marx
I don't have a photograph. I'd give you my footprints, but they're upstairs in my socks.

Groucho Marx
To write an autobiography of Groucho Marx would be as asinine as to read an autobiography of Groucho Marx.

Groucho Marx
No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.

Groucho Marx
The trouble with writing a book about yourself is that you can't fool around. If you write about someone else, you can stretch the truth from here to Finland. If you write about yourself the slightest deviation makes you realize instantly that there may be honor among thieves, but you are just a dirty liar.

Groucho Marx