Groucho Marx Quotes

71 Sourced Quotes

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

Groucho Marx
I sent the club a wire stating, "PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT PEOPLE LIKE ME AS A MEMBER".

Groucho Marx
Many years ago I chased a woman for almost two years, only to discover that her tastes were exactly like mine: we both were crazy about girls.

Groucho Marx
Oh, why can't we break away from all this, just you and I, and lodge with my fleas in the hills? I mean, flee to my lodge in the hills.

Groucho Marx
After peeking under the brim of Greta Garbo's floppy hat:
Pardon me, Ma'am… I thought you were a guy I knew in Pittsburgh.

Groucho Marx
Don't ever underestimate the importance of money. I know it's often been said that money won't make you happy and this is undeniably true, but everything else being equal, it's a lovely thing to have around the house.

Groucho Marx
I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it."

Groucho Marx
Do you think I could buy back my introduction to you?

Groucho Marx
Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.

Groucho Marx
Madam, you're making history, in fact, you're making me, and I wish you'd keep my hands to yourself

Groucho Marx
Be a lamp in the window for my wandering boy.

Groucho Marx
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend on reading it.

Groucho Marx
Having watched a county cricket match for several hours:
Michael Davie: Are you enjoying it?
Groucho Marx: It's great. When does it start?

Groucho Marx
Well, that covers a lot of ground. Say, you cover a lot of ground yourself. You better beat it - I hear they're going to tear you down and put up an office building where you're standing. You can leave in a taxi. If you can't get a taxi, you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, you can leave in a minute and a huff. You know, you haven't stopped talking since I came here? You must have been vaccinated with a phonograph needle.

Groucho Marx
I find television very educational. Every time someone switches it on I go into another room and read a good book.

Groucho Marx
Man: 'Can I have a table near the floor?'
Groucho: 'Certainly, I'll have the waiter saw the legs off.'

Groucho Marx
With a little study you'll go a long ways, and I wish you'd start now

Groucho Marx
I did a bond tour during the Second World War... We were raising money, and we played Boston and Philadelphia and most of the big cities. And we got to Minneapolis. There wasn't any big theater to play there, so we did our show in a railroad station. Then I told the audience that I knew a girl in Minneapolis. She was also known in St. Paul, she used to come over to visit me. She was known as "The Tail Of Two Cities." I didn't sell any more bonds, but eh... they didn't allow me to appear anymore.

Groucho Marx
The foods that are recommended today are as palatable as a steady diet of wet blotters.

Groucho Marx
I know a member of one of New York's first families (first as you drive up Tenth Avenue)

Groucho Marx
The trouble with writing a book about yourself is that you can't fool around. If you write about someone else, you can stretch the truth from here to Finland. If you write about yourself the slightest deviation makes you realize instantly that there may be honor among thieves, but you are just a dirty liar.

Groucho Marx
My experience is that people are most likely to listen to reason when in bed.

Groucho Marx
To a priest who liked his films and thanked him for the enjoyment he had given the world:
And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it.

Groucho Marx
Money will not make you happy, and happy will not make you money.

Groucho Marx
When asked to leave a 'restricted' Californian beach club:
Since my daughter is only half-Jewish, could she go in the water up to her knees?

Groucho Marx