Groucho Marx Quotes

71 Sourced Quotes

When asked to leave a 'restricted' Californian beach club:
Since my daughter is only half-Jewish, could she go in the water up to her knees?

Groucho Marx
That's bigamy.
Yes, and it's big of me, too. It's big of all of us. I'm sick of these conventional marriages. One woman and one man was good enough for your grandmother. But who wants to marry your grandmother?

Groucho Marx
That's what I always say. Love flies out the door when money comes innuendo.

Groucho Marx
Be a lamp in the window for my wandering boy.

Groucho Marx
Most young women do not welcome promiscuous advances. (Either that, or my luck's terrible.)

Groucho Marx
They say Allen got something from the Marx Brothers. He got nothing. Maybe twenty years ago, he might have been inspired. Today he's an original. The best, the funniest.

Groucho Marx
My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something.

Groucho Marx
After peeking under the brim of Greta Garbo's floppy hat:
Pardon me, Ma'am… I thought you were a guy I knew in Pittsburgh.

Groucho Marx
Well I thought my razor was dull until I heard his speech, and
that reminds me of a story that's so dirty I'm ashamed to think of
it myself.

Groucho Marx
Remember, men, we're fighting for this woman's honor, which is probably far more than she's ever done!

Groucho Marx
Money will not make you happy, and happy will not make you money.

Groucho Marx
Many years ago I chased a woman for almost two years, only to discover that her tastes were exactly like mine: we both were crazy about girls.

Groucho Marx
To a priest who liked his films and thanked him for the enjoyment he had given the world:
And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it.

Groucho Marx
The foods that are recommended today are as palatable as a steady diet of wet blotters.

Groucho Marx
Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can't make head nor tail out of it.

Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.

Groucho Marx
If you can't leave in a taxi you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, you can leave in a minute and a huff.

I eat like a vulture. Unfortunately the resemblance doesn't end there.

Groucho Marx
There were three things that Chico was always on—a phone, a horse or a broad.

Groucho Marx
Anyone buying this book is going to be out a tidy sum if he is sucked in by the title. I wish I could write a real sexy book that would be barred from the mails. Apparently nothing whets a reader's appetite for literature more than the news that the author has been thrown into a federal pokey for disturbing the libido of millions of Americans.

Groucho Marx
I've been around so long, I knew Doris Day before she was a virgin.

Groucho Marx