Groucho Marx Short Quotes

25 Sourced Quotes

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Be a lamp in the window for my wandering boy.

Groucho Marx
Do you think I could buy back my introduction to you?

Groucho Marx
No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.

Groucho Marx
What's a thousand dollars? Mere chicken feed. A poultry matter.

Groucho Marx
Money will not make you happy, and happy will not make you money.

Groucho Marx
If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower.

Groucho Marx
Believe me, you have to get up early if you want to get out of bed.

Groucho Marx
I love my cigar too, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while.

Groucho Marx
I've been around so long, I knew Doris Day before she was a virgin.

Groucho Marx
With a little study you'll go a long ways, and I wish you'd start now

Groucho Marx
An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of bandages and adhesive tape.

Groucho Marx
I eat like a vulture. Unfortunately the resemblance doesn't end there.

Groucho Marx
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Groucho Marx
That's what I always say. Love flies out the door when money comes innuendo.

Groucho Marx
My experience is that people are most likely to listen to reason when in bed.

Groucho Marx
There were three things that Chico was always on—a phone, a horse or a broad.

Groucho Marx
I write by ear. I tried writing with the typewriter, but I found it too unwieldy

Groucho Marx
Remember, the grass is always greener where you don't happen to be the neighbor.

Groucho Marx
The foods that are recommended today are as palatable as a steady diet of wet blotters.

Groucho Marx
I know a member of one of New York's first families (first as you drive up Tenth Avenue)

Groucho Marx
I don't have a photograph. I'd give you my footprints, but they're upstairs in my socks.

Groucho Marx
Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

Groucho Marx
I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions—the curtain was up.

Groucho Marx
Most young women do not welcome promiscuous advances. (Either that, or my luck's terrible.)

Groucho Marx
I hope all your teeth have cavities, and don't forget; abscess makes the heart grow fonder.

Groucho Marx
Remember, you're fighting for this woman's honor, which is probably more than she ever did.

Groucho Marx
Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.

Groucho Marx
I can't understand why you don't get any mail from me. Perhaps it's because I haven't been writing

Groucho Marx
Madam, you're making history, in fact, you're making me, and I wish you'd keep my hands to yourself

Groucho Marx
The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his cheque book open.

Groucho Marx