Groucho Marx Quotes

71 Sourced Quotes

With a little study you'll go a long ways, and I wish you'd start now

Groucho Marx
Do you think I could buy back my introduction to you?

Groucho Marx
Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.

Groucho Marx
I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it."

Groucho Marx
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend on reading it.

Groucho Marx
Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There is no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.

Groucho Marx
Man: 'Can I have a table near the floor?'
Groucho: 'Certainly, I'll have the waiter saw the legs off.'

Groucho Marx
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Groucho Marx
Having watched a county cricket match for several hours:
Michael Davie: Are you enjoying it?
Groucho Marx: It's great. When does it start?

Groucho Marx
I did a bond tour during the Second World War... We were raising money, and we played Boston and Philadelphia and most of the big cities. And we got to Minneapolis. There wasn't any big theater to play there, so we did our show in a railroad station. Then I told the audience that I knew a girl in Minneapolis. She was also known in St. Paul, she used to come over to visit me. She was known as "The Tail Of Two Cities." I didn't sell any more bonds, but eh... they didn't allow me to appear anymore.

Groucho Marx
Oh, I realize it's a penny here and a penny there, but look at me: I've worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

Groucho Marx
Oh, why can't we break away from all this, just you and I, and lodge with my fleas in the hills? I mean, flee to my lodge in the hills.

Groucho Marx
I find television very educational. Every time someone switches it on I go into another room and read a good book.

Groucho Marx
My experience is that people are most likely to listen to reason when in bed.

Groucho Marx
I love my cigar too, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while.

Groucho Marx
The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his cheque book open.

Groucho Marx
Bel Air, I am convinced, was laid out by some diabolic sadist who deliberately decided not to use a compass or a surveyor.

Groucho Marx
Years ago, I tried to top everybody, but I don't anymore. I realized it was killing conversation. When you're always trying for a topper you aren't really listening. It ruins communication.

Groucho Marx
I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions—the curtain was up.

Groucho Marx
They say a man is as old as the woman he feels. In that case I'm eighty-five … I want it known here and now that this is what I want on my tombstone: Here lies Groucho Marx, and Lies and Lies and Lies. P.S. He never kissed an ugly girl.

Groucho Marx
When asked to leave a 'restricted' Californian beach club:
Since my daughter is only half-Jewish, could she go in the water up to her knees?

Groucho Marx
That's bigamy.
Yes, and it's big of me, too. It's big of all of us. I'm sick of these conventional marriages. One woman and one man was good enough for your grandmother. But who wants to marry your grandmother?

Groucho Marx
That's what I always say. Love flies out the door when money comes innuendo.

Groucho Marx
Be a lamp in the window for my wandering boy.

Groucho Marx
Most young women do not welcome promiscuous advances. (Either that, or my luck's terrible.)

Groucho Marx
They say Allen got something from the Marx Brothers. He got nothing. Maybe twenty years ago, he might have been inspired. Today he's an original. The best, the funniest.

Groucho Marx
My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something.

Groucho Marx
After peeking under the brim of Greta Garbo's floppy hat:
Pardon me, Ma'am… I thought you were a guy I knew in Pittsburgh.

Groucho Marx
Well I thought my razor was dull until I heard his speech, and
that reminds me of a story that's so dirty I'm ashamed to think of
it myself.

Groucho Marx
Remember, men, we're fighting for this woman's honor, which is probably far more than she's ever done!

Groucho Marx