Groucho Marx Quotes

71 Sourced Quotes

I know a member of one of New York's first families (first as you drive up Tenth Avenue)

Groucho Marx
Madam, you're making history, in fact, you're making me, and I wish you'd keep my hands to yourself

Groucho Marx
What's a thousand dollars? Mere chicken feed. A poultry matter.

Groucho Marx
I think that the Peeps or Peppies or Pipes diaries would be much more popular had there been a universal pronuncation of his name.

Groucho Marx
I write by ear. I tried writing with the typewriter, but I found it too unwieldy

Groucho Marx
With a little study you'll go a long ways, and I wish you'd start now

Groucho Marx
Do you think I could buy back my introduction to you?

Groucho Marx
Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.

Groucho Marx
I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it."

Groucho Marx
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend on reading it.

Groucho Marx
Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There is no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.

Groucho Marx
Man: 'Can I have a table near the floor?'
Groucho: 'Certainly, I'll have the waiter saw the legs off.'

Groucho Marx
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Groucho Marx
Having watched a county cricket match for several hours:
Michael Davie: Are you enjoying it?
Groucho Marx: It's great. When does it start?

Groucho Marx
I did a bond tour during the Second World War... We were raising money, and we played Boston and Philadelphia and most of the big cities. And we got to Minneapolis. There wasn't any big theater to play there, so we did our show in a railroad station. Then I told the audience that I knew a girl in Minneapolis. She was also known in St. Paul, she used to come over to visit me. She was known as "The Tail Of Two Cities." I didn't sell any more bonds, but eh... they didn't allow me to appear anymore.

Groucho Marx
Oh, I realize it's a penny here and a penny there, but look at me: I've worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

Groucho Marx
Oh, why can't we break away from all this, just you and I, and lodge with my fleas in the hills? I mean, flee to my lodge in the hills.

Groucho Marx
I find television very educational. Every time someone switches it on I go into another room and read a good book.

Groucho Marx
My experience is that people are most likely to listen to reason when in bed.

Groucho Marx
I love my cigar too, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while.

Groucho Marx
The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his cheque book open.

Groucho Marx
Bel Air, I am convinced, was laid out by some diabolic sadist who deliberately decided not to use a compass or a surveyor.

Groucho Marx
Years ago, I tried to top everybody, but I don't anymore. I realized it was killing conversation. When you're always trying for a topper you aren't really listening. It ruins communication.

Groucho Marx
I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions—the curtain was up.

Groucho Marx
They say a man is as old as the woman he feels. In that case I'm eighty-five … I want it known here and now that this is what I want on my tombstone: Here lies Groucho Marx, and Lies and Lies and Lies. P.S. He never kissed an ugly girl.

Groucho Marx