Groucho Marx Quotes

71 Sourced Quotes

The trouble with writing a book about yourself is that you can't fool around. If you write about someone else, you can stretch the truth from here to Finland. If you write about yourself the slightest deviation makes you realize instantly that there may be honor among thieves, but you are just a dirty liar.

Groucho Marx
My experience is that people are most likely to listen to reason when in bed.

Groucho Marx
To a priest who liked his films and thanked him for the enjoyment he had given the world:
And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it.

Groucho Marx
Money will not make you happy, and happy will not make you money.

Groucho Marx
When asked to leave a 'restricted' Californian beach club:
Since my daughter is only half-Jewish, could she go in the water up to her knees?

Groucho Marx
That's bigamy.
Yes, and it's big of me, too. It's big of all of us. I'm sick of these conventional marriages. One woman and one man was good enough for your grandmother. But who wants to marry your grandmother?

Groucho Marx
I got $25 from Reader's Digest last week for something I never said. I get credit all the time for things I never said. You know that line in You Bet Your Life? The guy says he has seventeen kids and I say: "I smoke a cigar, but I take it out of my mouth occasionally"? I never said that.

Groucho Marx
Most young women do not welcome promiscuous advances. (Either that, or my luck's terrible.)

Groucho Marx
I don't have a photograph. I'd give you my footprints, but they're upstairs in my socks.

Groucho Marx
I hope all your teeth have cavities, and don't forget; abscess makes the heart grow fonder.

Groucho Marx
Even the intellectual crowd will have none of me. Physically, I look like one of them. Graying at the temples, I walk with a slight limp and wear thick glasses.

Groucho Marx
If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower.

Groucho Marx
I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions—the curtain was up.

Groucho Marx
Although it is generally known, I think it's about time to announce that I was born at a very early age.

Groucho Marx
The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his cheque book open.

Groucho Marx
Mr.Blank's reputation as a card shark had preceded him. No one accused him of being dishonest, but on the other hand no one accused him of being honest.

Groucho Marx
There were three things that Chico was always on—a phone, a horse or a broad.

Groucho Marx
I eat like a vulture. Unfortunately the resemblance doesn't end there.

Groucho Marx
My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something.

Groucho Marx
I think that the Peeps or Peppies or Pipes diaries would be much more popular had there been a universal pronuncation of his name.

Groucho Marx