Groucho Marx Quotes

71 Sourced Quotes

That's bigamy.
Yes, and it's big of me, too. It's big of all of us. I'm sick of these conventional marriages. One woman and one man was good enough for your grandmother. But who wants to marry your grandmother?

Groucho Marx
I got $25 from Reader's Digest last week for something I never said. I get credit all the time for things I never said. You know that line in You Bet Your Life? The guy says he has seventeen kids and I say: "I smoke a cigar, but I take it out of my mouth occasionally"? I never said that.

Groucho Marx
Most young women do not welcome promiscuous advances. (Either that, or my luck's terrible.)

Groucho Marx
I don't have a photograph. I'd give you my footprints, but they're upstairs in my socks.

Groucho Marx
I hope all your teeth have cavities, and don't forget; abscess makes the heart grow fonder.

Groucho Marx
Even the intellectual crowd will have none of me. Physically, I look like one of them. Graying at the temples, I walk with a slight limp and wear thick glasses.

Groucho Marx
If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower.

Groucho Marx
I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions—the curtain was up.

Groucho Marx
Although it is generally known, I think it's about time to announce that I was born at a very early age.

Groucho Marx
The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his cheque book open.

Groucho Marx
Mr.Blank's reputation as a card shark had preceded him. No one accused him of being dishonest, but on the other hand no one accused him of being honest.

Groucho Marx
There were three things that Chico was always on—a phone, a horse or a broad.

Groucho Marx
I eat like a vulture. Unfortunately the resemblance doesn't end there.

Groucho Marx
My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something.

Groucho Marx
I think that the Peeps or Peppies or Pipes diaries would be much more popular had there been a universal pronuncation of his name.

Groucho Marx
I write by ear. I tried writing with the typewriter, but I found it too unwieldy

Groucho Marx
Years ago, I tried to top everybody, but I don't anymore. I realized it was killing conversation. When you're always trying for a topper you aren't really listening. It ruins communication.

Groucho Marx
Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can't make head nor tail out of it.

I can't understand why you don't get any mail from me. Perhaps it's because I haven't been writing

Groucho Marx
I've been around so long, I knew Doris Day before she was a virgin.

Groucho Marx
Believe me, you have to get up early if you want to get out of bed.

Groucho Marx
Remember, the grass is always greener where you don't happen to be the neighbor.

Groucho Marx
If you can't leave in a taxi you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, you can leave in a minute and a huff.

What's a thousand dollars? Mere chicken feed. A poultry matter.

Groucho Marx
Anyone buying this book is going to be out a tidy sum if he is sucked in by the title. I wish I could write a real sexy book that would be barred from the mails. Apparently nothing whets a reader's appetite for literature more than the news that the author has been thrown into a federal pokey for disturbing the libido of millions of Americans.

Groucho Marx