Quotes by Women Comedians

Ellen DeGeneres

Joan Rivers

Tina Fey

Phyllis Diller

Sarah Silverman

Lily Tomlin

Beatrice Arthur

There were subjects we tackled that had never been even discussed, like I had an abortion. Nobody ever talked about that.

Beatrice Arthur

When the bank calls:

"Chase Bank, I'm self-employed, how long do you want to stay on the phone?"

Statistically, skinny women die younger than fat women. Why? Because fat women are killing them.

Men put all kinds of expectations on you. They want you to scream 'You're the best' while swearing you've never done this with anyone before.

Being a funny person does an awful lot of things to you. You feel that you mustn't get serious with people. They don't expect it from you, and they don't want to see it. You're not entitled to be serious, you're a clown, and they only want you to make them laugh.

Laughter takes the tyranny of the lies we are told and told and told and it blows them apart.

Life is full of disappointments. And by "disappointments" I mean "people."

And the bottom line is we are who we are-we look a certain way, we talk a certain way, we walk a certain way. I strut because I'm a supermodel, and sometimes I gallop for fun. When we learn to accept that, other people learn to accept us. So be who you really are. Embrace who you are. Literally. Hug yourself. Accept who you are. Unless you're a serial killer.

Ellen DeGeneres

My mother doesn't like sex. She doesn't like the word, she doesn't like act, and I'm not entirely sure she's too impressed with the results. Ah well, you get out what you put in.

Weep if you must Parting is hell But life goes on So sing as well.

My little sister, she got me on Facebook because I was on MySpace: "No, no, no. You don't want to be on MySpace, you want to be on Facebook!" So I joined both. But I keep muddling them up, so I keep asking people to come on MyFace. Still, eighty thousand friends!

Shappi Khorsandi

All religions are the same: religion is basically guilt, with different holidays.

My mother is a ventriloquist – but not professionally. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father. I got my brother to do it.

I am indeed shrinking, but that's okay because I can buy my clothes off the rack in the children's department. It's great. There I am at a wedding wearing this gorgeous gown. A five year old was wearing the same one. Bitch!

On teaching children how to cross the street:

Damn the lights. Watch the cars. The lights ain't never killed nobody.

We now have ten cats, a big stupid dog, two tadpoles, a bearded dragon lizard, and a bunny. I'm going to be honest with you. I'd been drunk in that pet store before, and I don't want to play the victim here, but I believe they knew and I believe they took advantage. Does anybody else's pet store have a wine section? It seems unusual to me.

Paula Poundstone

I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. Suddenly I had to spend all my time getting well.

Life is broken down into these stages: you're born and you don't know how anything works; gradually you find out how everything works; technology evolves and slowly there are a few things you can't work; at the end, you don't know how anything works.

Since so many people these days don't seem to start their families until around age forty, I predict there will be less child beating, but more slipped disks from lifting babies out of cribs. Even the father of advanced age who's not inclined to spare the rod is likely to suffer more than his victim: The first punch he throws might well be the last straw for his rotator cuff, reducing his disciplinary options to mere verbal abuse and napping.

Sarah Silverman

On her hometown:

Erith isn't twinned with anywhere but it does have a suicide pact with Dagenham.

Listen, I have no judgment about anything. Some people will bring certain celebrities up to me who are presumably — or known to be — gay and ask "Why don't they come out?" But we don't know why they don't, and it's none of our business, really. In '75 I was making the Modern Scream album, and Jane and I were in the studio. My publicist called me and said "Time will give you the cover if you'll come out." I was more offended than anything that they thought we'd make a deal. But that was '75 — it would have been a hard thing to do at that time.

Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but I believe when a woman enters a room, men should stand up - and gay men should stand up at least halfway.

If I were alive in Rubens's time, I'd be celebrated as a model. Kate Moss would be used as a paint brush.

Everything's getting on top of me. I can't switch off. I've got a self-cleaning oven—I have to get up in the night to see if it's doing it.

George, you're too old to get married again. Not only can't you cut the mustard, honey, you're too old to open the jar.

At a dinner to honour George Burns