Quotes by Women Comedians

Ellen DeGeneres

Joan Rivers

Tina Fey

Phyllis Diller

Sarah Silverman

Lily Tomlin

Beatrice Arthur

And the bottom line is we are who we are-we look a certain way, we talk a certain way, we walk a certain way. I strut because I'm a supermodel, and sometimes I gallop for fun. When we learn to accept that, other people learn to accept us. So be who you really are. Embrace who you are. Literally. Hug yourself. Accept who you are. Unless you're a serial killer.

Ellen DeGeneres

Life is full of disappointments. And by "disappointments" I mean "people."

Before you can give of yourself to others you must know what of yourself you have to give. Every person is special. In all the land there is only one you, possibly two, but seldom more than sixteen.

Being a funny person does an awful lot of things to you. You feel that you mustn't get serious with people. They don't expect it from you, and they don't want to see it. You're not entitled to be serious, you're a clown, and they only want you to make them laugh.

If I were alive in Rubens's time, I'd be celebrated as a model. Kate Moss would be used as a paint brush.

Men put all kinds of expectations on you. They want you to scream 'You're the best' while swearing you've never done this with anyone before.

Living with teenagers is like watching Jeopardy! every night. After a while you start thinking, Maybe I am stupid.

Caryl Kristensen

I am not who I sleep with. I am not my weight. I am not my mother. I am myself. And I am all of you, and I thank you.

About his plans to run the London Marathon:

I've set myself a target. I'm going for less than eleven-and-a-half days.

My mother doesn't like sex. She doesn't like the word, she doesn't like act, and I'm not entirely sure she's too impressed with the results. Ah well, you get out what you put in.

There were subjects we tackled that had never been even discussed, like I had an abortion. Nobody ever talked about that.

Beatrice Arthur

My father was a really funny guy. He lived a good long life. And he was the reason I wanted to be funny and become a comedian and a comedy writer, so to say that he's somewhat of a mythic figure in my life would be an understatement.

When the bank calls:

"Chase Bank, I'm self-employed, how long do you want to stay on the phone?"

Life is a series of embarrassing moments which leave you feeling alone in your confusion and shame

My little sister, she got me on Facebook because I was on MySpace: "No, no, no. You don't want to be on MySpace, you want to be on Facebook!" So I joined both. But I keep muddling them up, so I keep asking people to come on MyFace. Still, eighty thousand friends!

Shappi Khorsandi

I don't mind being called a hairy, humourless lesbian because that is what I aspire to be.

Bridget Christie

The first time we put Debbie Downer on the show, I had a giggle fit that I couldn't control, and the whole cast ended up breaking so hard we could never quite recover.

The thing with restaurant talk is you're not supposed to take it to heart.

The person closest to actually achieving this look is Kim Kardashian, who, as we know, was made by Russian scientists to sabotage our athletes. Everyone else is struggling.

When I was twenty-five, I went on exactly four dates with a much older guy whom I'll call Peter Parker. I'm calling him Peter Parker because the actual guy's name was also alliterative, and because, well, it's my book and I'll name a guy I dated after Spider-Man's alter ego if I want to.

Life is broken down into these stages: you're born and you don't know how anything works; gradually you find out how everything works; technology evolves and slowly there are a few things you can't work; at the end, you don't know how anything works.

Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but I believe when a woman enters a room, men should stand up - and gay men should stand up at least halfway.

On teaching children how to cross the street:

Damn the lights. Watch the cars. The lights ain't never killed nobody.

Men who blow themselves up are promised 72 virgins in paradise. That's a high price to pay for a shag.

Children raised with love and compassion will be free to use their time as adults in meaningful and creative ways, rather than expressing their childhood hurts in ways that harm themselves or others. If adults have no need to deal with the past, they can live fully in the present.