Sarah Silverman Quotes

34 Sourced Quotes

I don't care if you think I'm racist. I just want you to think I'm thin.

Sarah Silverman
I've sued my manager for sexual harassment. And it's real hard, and a big strain on me. Because he hasn't done anything.

Sarah Silverman
I didn't lose my virginity until I was twenty-six. Nineteen vaginally, but twenty-six what my boyfriend calls "the real way".

Sarah Silverman
I was paralyzed with fear. It was unbearable to be among other kids who were just standing around being fine. It was one of the many inconveniences of this paradox I lived with -the more people I was surrounded by, the more frighteningly alone I felt.

Sarah Silverman
I buy water at the liquor store across the street from where I live. So I'm walking into the door, and standing, loitering, outside the door is a man. And I walk by him to go in, and he says, [in a gruff male voice] "I want pussy!" Now, I don't want to seem conceited or anything, but [flattered smile] he was talking about me!

Sarah Silverman
You look like my friend Debbie. That's really weird … do you get that a lot? — It's sad, though, 'cause you know, we're not really friends anymore. But, uh, it's not your fault. Seriously, it was 'cause she's, um … not "born again Christian" … oh! — "pathological liar."

Sarah Silverman
I wear this Saint Christopher medal sometimes because — I'm Jewish — but my boyfriend is Catholic. It was cute, the way he gave it to me. He said if it doesn't burn through my skin, it will protect me. Who cares? Different religions.
The only time it's an issue, I suppose, would be like if you're having a baby and you've got to figure out how you want to raise it. Which still wouldn't be an issue for us, because we'd be … honest, and just say, you know, like, "Mommy is one of the chosen people … and daddy believes that Jesus is magic!"

Sarah Silverman
I dated a guy who was half-black, but he dumped me because I'm such a loser. Wow, I shouldn't say things like that, I'm such a pessimist … he's actually half-white.

Sarah Silverman
That still feels like the most accurate description - I felt homesick, but I was home.

Sarah Silverman
On the law that requires women to wait twenty-four hours before they are permitted to have an abortion: I think it's a good law. The other day I wanted to go get an abortion. I really wanted an abortion, but then I thought about it and it turned out I was just thirsty.

Sarah Silverman
I was raped by a doctor … which is so bittersweet for a Jewish girl.

Sarah Silverman
Everybody blames the Jews for killing Christ, and then the Jews try to pass it off on the Romans. I'm one of the few people that believe it was the blacks.

Sarah Silverman
People who call themselves divas... you are not a diva. I'm pretty sure you're a cunt.

Sarah Silverman
When God gives you AIDS — and God does give you AIDS — make lemon-AIDS!

Sarah Silverman
I always think I should get on it if I want to have kids. Because once you hit thirty it can be difficult to conceive — it can be dangerous. The best time to conceive is when you're a black teenager.

Sarah Silverman
[holds up an egg] This is AIDS. AIDS is as real as an egg.

Sarah Silverman
Since so many people these days don't seem to start their families until around age forty, I predict there will be less child beating, but more slipped disks from lifting babies out of cribs. Even the father of advanced age who's not inclined to spare the rod is likely to suffer more than his victim: The first punch he throws might well be the last straw for his rotator cuff, reducing his disciplinary options to mere verbal abuse and napping.

Sarah Silverman
This song brings me back … I was brutally raped to this song.

Sarah Silverman
I want to get an abortion. But my boyfriend and I are having trouble conceiving.

Sarah Silverman
My early trauma was a gift, it turned out, in a vocation where your best headspace is feeling that you have nothing to lose.

Sarah Silverman
The writers of "Sanford and Son" were so brave in bringing their program to television. I mean, working with all those black people!

Sarah Silverman
I'm so glad Courtney Love is here; I left my crack in my other purse.

Sarah Silverman
I don't believe in Jesus or God. But I do believe that fundamentalists in religion or anything else are bad, and that they have more hate than love. Jesus' words have become so perverted over time — it's been like a game of telephone. If he existed, Jesus would fuckin' kill himself.

Sarah Silverman
I will always try to be happy. I don't think people really understand the value of happiness until they know what it's like to be in that very, very dark place. It's not romantic. Not even a little.

Sarah Silverman
The Holocaust would never have happened if black people lived in Germany in the 1930s and 40s … well, it wouldn't have happened to Jews.

Sarah Silverman
I commend you on all you've done for PETA, wrestling the one-eyed trouser snake with your bare hands, gently cuddling it in your arms, and nurturing it back to health.

Sarah Silverman
Wow! She is amazing. She is 25 years old and she's already accomplished everything she's going to accomplish in her life. It's mind blowing … have you seen Britney's kids? Oh my god, they are the most adorable mistakes you will ever see! They are as cute as the hairless vagina they came out of!

Sarah Silverman
Unvisited tombstones, unread diaries, and erased video game high-score rankings are three of the most potent symbols of mankind's pathetic and fruitless attempts at immortality.

Sarah Silverman
I love you more than bears love honey,
I love you more than Jews love money,
I love you more than Asians are good at math.
I love you even if it's not hip,
I love you more than black guys don't tip,
I love you like Puerto Ricans need baths.

Sarah Silverman
I am diagnosed with not having enough insanely-addictive drugs coursing through my body.

Sarah Silverman