Amy Sedaris Quotes

26 Sourced Quotes

Sometimes losing a pet is more painful than losing a human because in the case of the pet, you were not pretending to love it.

Amy Sedaris
Before you can give of yourself to others you must know what of yourself you have to give. Every person is special. In all the land there is only one you, possibly two, but seldom more than sixteen.

Amy Sedaris
When you hear someone use the word 'meds' instead of the word 'medicine,' chances are they're no stranger to massive doses of mind-altering psychotropic drugs. Back out of the room slowly.

Amy Sedaris
Some crafts have been practiced for centuries. These crafts were created using skills passed from generation to generation, and were motivated by necessity such as baskets and pottery, or artistic expression, such as more baskets and more pottery. Today, there is a much more leisurely attitude toward crafting, and virtually anyone without a job and access to pipe cleaners can join the elite society of crafters.

Amy Sedaris
Fire had an almost magical quality that suggested anything was possible. Early on, man even believed that fire was a god that had to be fed with animal sacrifices in order to burn brightly. Today we have evolved a long way from this ridiculous notion of a 'fire god' and now rightfully understand God to be a bearded being who lives amongst the clouds and hates Jews and homosexuals.

Amy Sedaris
If you see a shy person, ask them some questions like, 'Why are you so shy? Tell everyone, we're all listening.

Amy Sedaris
Begin your story with a sentence that will immediately grab hold of your listener's ears like a surly nun in a Catholic school.

Amy Sedaris
Crafting, or 'making things,' has always been a delightful pastime of mine because it requires putting common elements together in order to achieve a lovely something that nobody needs.

Amy Sedaris
Imagination! My problem is that I have so many ideas, I never have enough time to use them all. Just the other day I thought up eleven things I could do with a flowerpot. Eleven! Three of those things didn't even involve plants.

Amy Sedaris
Gift-wrap the framed artwork on your walls and rehang them - what's nicer than a wall of presents to look at?

Amy Sedaris
Exercise your imagination muscle! How many uses can you come up with for a flowerpot? Write down your answers. But don't write them in this book. Grab a separate sheet of paper. I didn't spend two and a half weeks writing a book just so you could mark up the pages with your silly ideas for things you can do with a flowerpot. When it comes down to it, what's wrong with a flowerpot not being a flowerpot? Why is nothing ever good enough for you?

Amy Sedaris
My mother always said 'Don't bother other people.' I think that's good advice.

Amy Sedaris
Don't answer the door in a wedding dress and veil, he might not think you're joking.

Amy Sedaris
Usually, the best ideas come from other people's good ideas, which then, after a short gestation period, become your ideas.

Amy Sedaris
The moment someone says, 'Hey, everyone, listen to the words in this song,' your party is over.

Amy Sedaris
Crafting is putting ideas into action and then holding them together with an inexpensive adhesive.

Amy Sedaris
A red onion and pumpernickel croutons will jazz up any salad.

Amy Sedaris
I think it's good for a person to spend time alone. It gives them an opportunity to discover who they are and to figure out why they are always alone.

Amy Sedaris
Although it has been said that idle hands are the devil's workshop, when it comes to teenagers, both idle and active hands are the devil's workshop.

Amy Sedaris
It's natural for humans to suppress urges, for when our desires are left unchecked they lead to broken relationships, prison time, and forest fires.

Amy Sedaris
There is nothing wrong with not wanting to be a hospitable person and have groups of people in your home touching your personables.

Amy Sedaris
Don't leave a piece of jewelry at his house so you can go back and get it later; he may be with his real girlfriend.

Amy Sedaris
If you cannot come to the party, do not cancel at the last minute or give a message to a child to inform the host. And don't bother explaining why you can't attend because anything after 'because' is bullshit.

Amy Sedaris
If you decide on having an alcoholic at your party, make sure it's a large gathering. This way, until the alcoholic begins removing their clothes or dangling the cat out the window, they can sort of blend in. An alcoholic at a small gathering is called an intervention.

Amy Sedaris
On the off chance that you have children, don't clean up at all. As children, my brother and sister and I loved waking up early and playing cocktail party with the leftover debris

Amy Sedaris
I don't mind pointing out some of the failings of old age, because we are all headed in that direction, unless of course we take our own lives before we become a burden. I'm not advocating suicide, oh wait, I guess I am.

Amy Sedaris