Amy Sedaris - Simple Times: Crafts for Poor People (2010)

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Usually, the best ideas come from other people's good ideas, which then, after a short gestation period, become your ideas.

Amy Sedaris
It's natural for humans to suppress urges, for when our desires are left unchecked they lead to broken relationships, prison time, and forest fires.

Amy Sedaris
Although it has been said that idle hands are the devil's workshop, when it comes to teenagers, both idle and active hands are the devil's workshop.

Amy Sedaris
Crafting is putting ideas into action and then holding them together with an inexpensive adhesive.

Amy Sedaris
Sometimes losing a pet is more painful than losing a human because in the case of the pet, you were not pretending to love it.

Amy Sedaris
Exercise your imagination muscle! How many uses can you come up with for a flowerpot? Write down your answers. But don't write them in this book. Grab a separate sheet of paper. I didn't spend two and a half weeks writing a book just so you could mark up the pages with your silly ideas for things you can do with a flowerpot. When it comes down to it, what's wrong with a flowerpot not being a flowerpot? Why is nothing ever good enough for you?

Amy Sedaris
Imagination! My problem is that I have so many ideas, I never have enough time to use them all. Just the other day I thought up eleven things I could do with a flowerpot. Eleven! Three of those things didn't even involve plants.

Amy Sedaris
Crafting, or 'making things,' has always been a delightful pastime of mine because it requires putting common elements together in order to achieve a lovely something that nobody needs.

Amy Sedaris
Begin your story with a sentence that will immediately grab hold of your listener's ears like a surly nun in a Catholic school.

Amy Sedaris
Fire had an almost magical quality that suggested anything was possible. Early on, man even believed that fire was a god that had to be fed with animal sacrifices in order to burn brightly. Today we have evolved a long way from this ridiculous notion of a 'fire god' and now rightfully understand God to be a bearded being who lives amongst the clouds and hates Jews and homosexuals.

Amy Sedaris
Some crafts have been practiced for centuries. These crafts were created using skills passed from generation to generation, and were motivated by necessity such as baskets and pottery, or artistic expression, such as more baskets and more pottery. Today, there is a much more leisurely attitude toward crafting, and virtually anyone without a job and access to pipe cleaners can join the elite society of crafters.

Amy Sedaris