Amy Sedaris - I Like You: Hospitality Under the Influence (2006)

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I don't mind pointing out some of the failings of old age, because we are all headed in that direction, unless of course we take our own lives before we become a burden. I'm not advocating suicide, oh wait, I guess I am.

Amy Sedaris
On the off chance that you have children, don't clean up at all. As children, my brother and sister and I loved waking up early and playing cocktail party with the leftover debris

Amy Sedaris
If you decide on having an alcoholic at your party, make sure it's a large gathering. This way, until the alcoholic begins removing their clothes or dangling the cat out the window, they can sort of blend in. An alcoholic at a small gathering is called an intervention.

Amy Sedaris
If you cannot come to the party, do not cancel at the last minute or give a message to a child to inform the host. And don't bother explaining why you can't attend because anything after 'because' is bullshit.

Amy Sedaris
Don't leave a piece of jewelry at his house so you can go back and get it later; he may be with his real girlfriend.

Amy Sedaris
There is nothing wrong with not wanting to be a hospitable person and have groups of people in your home touching your personables.

Amy Sedaris
I think it's good for a person to spend time alone. It gives them an opportunity to discover who they are and to figure out why they are always alone.

Amy Sedaris
A red onion and pumpernickel croutons will jazz up any salad.

Amy Sedaris
The moment someone says, 'Hey, everyone, listen to the words in this song,' your party is over.

Amy Sedaris
Don't answer the door in a wedding dress and veil, he might not think you're joking.

Amy Sedaris
My mother always said 'Don't bother other people.' I think that's good advice.

Amy Sedaris
Gift-wrap the framed artwork on your walls and rehang them - what's nicer than a wall of presents to look at?

Amy Sedaris
If you see a shy person, ask them some questions like, 'Why are you so shy? Tell everyone, we're all listening.

Amy Sedaris
When you hear someone use the word 'meds' instead of the word 'medicine,' chances are they're no stranger to massive doses of mind-altering psychotropic drugs. Back out of the room slowly.

Amy Sedaris
Before you can give of yourself to others you must know what of yourself you have to give. Every person is special. In all the land there is only one you, possibly two, but seldom more than sixteen.

Amy Sedaris