Rita Rudner Quotes

44 Sourced Quotes

I love being married, I do. It's so great to find that one special person that you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Rita Rudner
Here's the question, why do so many people bring infants to Vegas? What's going on? Can you cash him in for chips?

Rita Rudner
Buying something on sale is a very special feeling. In fact, the less I pay for something, the more it is worth to me. I have a dress that I paid so little for that I am afraid to wear it. I could spill something on it, and then how would I replace it for that amount of money?

Rita Rudner
I had teeth that stuck out so far, I used to eat other kids' candy bars by accident.

Rita Rudner
Envy the kangaroo. That pouch setup is extraordinary; the baby crawls out of the womb when it is about two inches long, gets into the pouch, and proceeds to mature. I'd have a baby if it would develop in my handbag.

Rita Rudner
I don't even know how this word came into being: "aerobics". I guess gym instructors got together and said, "If we're going to charge ten dollars an hour, we can't call it 'jumping up and down'."

Rita Rudner
Why are women wearing perfumes that smell like flowers to attract men? Men don't like flowers. I have a great idea for a scent that will attract men — how about "New Car Interior"?

Rita Rudner
Whenever I date a guy, I think: Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?

Rita Rudner
Nobody is really happy with what's on their head. People with straight hair want curly, people with curly want straight, and bald people want everyone to be blind.

Rita Rudner
I went [to the Grand Canyon] last year but I didn't do the helicopter. No, I wasn't afraid of the helicopter, it's just that before you get in one you have to tell your weight. I looked around and thought, well, if everyone is lying like I'm lying we're going down.

Rita Rudner
Now we have topless sunbathing by the pools. I would never do that. Things crossed my mind like they've never been in the sun, they might catch fire.

Rita Rudner
I had the most boring office job in the world...I used to clean the windows on envelopes.

Rita Rudner
We live in Los Angeles, where you are expected to move every two to four years, so people can see how well your career is going.

Rita Rudner
My father was never very friendly. When I was growing up, I thought the doorbell ringing was a signal to pretend you weren't home.

Rita Rudner
At the end of every year, I add up the time that I have spent on the phone on hold and subtract it from my age. I don't count that time as really living. I spend more and more time on hold each year. By the time I die, I'm going to be quite young.

Rita Rudner
My father watched football with the sound off because he lived in fear of hearing the voice of Howard Cosell.

Rita Rudner
I hate learning through experience. Just once I'd like to learn something because someone was nice enough to tell me in advance.

Rita Rudner
It takes six months to get into shape and two weeks to get out of shape. Once you know this you can stop being angry about other things in life and only be angry about this.

Rita Rudner
Los Angeles is a very transient town. It's the only place I know where you can actually rent a dog.

Rita Rudner
In high school I was voted the girl most likely to become a nun. That may not be impressive to you, but it was quite an accomplishment at the Hebrew Academy.

Rita Rudner
I have a hold limit that I've set for myself. I hold until I start to imagine myself killing the person on the other end. Then I hang up and regroup.

Rita Rudner
Life is broken down into these stages: you're born and you don't know how anything works; gradually you find out how everything works; technology evolves and slowly there are a few things you can't work; at the end, you don't know how anything works.

Rita Rudner
I don't think jogging is healthy, especially morning jogging. If morning joggers knew how tempting they looked to morning motorists, they would stay home and do sit-ups.

Rita Rudner
We did long for the pitter-patter of little feet, so we decided to buy a dog. Cheaper, and… get more feet.

Rita Rudner
It's nice, when fishing, to catch a fish. But it doesn't really matter if you don't. What you always catch is a quiet time sitting at the water's edge, or in a gently rocking boat, a silent time of water and sky and the movement of natural things.

Rita Rudner
I loved my mother very much, but she was not a good cook. Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother's tasted better the day before. In our house Thanksgiving was a time for sorrow.

Rita Rudner
I can see close up and my husband can see far away, so we're covered. He tells me who's in the movie and I tell him what's in his sandwich. Together we're human bifocals.

Rita Rudner
[One of my friends] was in labor for 36 hours. (I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.)

Rita Rudner
I made a terrible mistake on our honeymoon though. You know what I did? I beat my husband at tennis on our honeymoon. And I just came right out afterwards and asked him "Are we ever going to have sex again?" and he said "Yes, but not with each other."

Rita Rudner
Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother's tasted better the day before.

Rita Rudner