Rita Rudner Quotes

44 Sourced Quotes

Well, the old theory was "marry an older man because they're more mature". But the new theory is "men don't mature — marry a young one".

Rita Rudner
Oh, my God. I've just told you how old I am. Nobody knows how old I am. I'm going to have to kill you now.

Rita Rudner
The joy in catching butterflies is the joy of capturing — for an instant — utter beauty. The satisfaction of being able to let it go is immense.

Rita Rudner
You know the oxygen masks on airplanes? I don't think there's really any oxygen. They're just to muffle the screams.

Rita Rudner
To me, life is tough enough without having someone kick you from the inside.

Rita Rudner
I jogged for three miles once. It was the worst three hours of my life.

Rita Rudner
I'll never understand why people go to movie theaters to have conversations. Going to the movies to talk is like going to a restaurant to cook. The idea is that you have paid your money to have someone do something better than you can do it yourself.

Rita Rudner
I don't look back. I'm like a shark — I only look forward.

Rita Rudner
How can I have morning sickness when I don't get up till noon?

Rita Rudner
Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

Rita Rudner
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, 'Well, that's not going to happen'.

Rita Rudner
The time you spend grieving over a man should never exceed the amount of time you actually spent with him

Rita Rudner
I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet.

Rita Rudner
I'm not sure if my husband is going to be there when I actually have the baby. He said the only way he's going to be in the room when there's a delivery is if there's a pizza involved.

Rita Rudner