Paula Poundstone Quotes

17 Sourced Quotes

The problem with cats is that they get the exact same look on their face whether they see a moth or an axe-murderer.

Paula Poundstone
It's funny that we think of libraries as quiet demure places where we are shushed by dusty, bun-balancing, bespectacled women. The truth is libraries are raucous clubhouses for free speech, controversy, and community.

Paula Poundstone
Librarians have stood up to the Patriot Act, sat down with noisy toddlers, and reached out to illiterate adults. Libraries can never be shushed. If you haven't been to your library lately, you're over-due.

Paula Poundstone
I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name and apparently that's the key to the whole thing right there. I go in every few weeks and guess.

Paula Poundstone
I'm an atheist. The good news about atheists is that we have no mandate to convert anyone. So you'll never find me on your doorstep on a Saturday morning with a big smile, saying, 'Just stopped by to tell you there is no word. I brought along this little blank book I was hoping you could take a look at.'

Paula Poundstone
I have terrible short-term memory loss, which I like to think of as Presidential eligibility.

Paula Poundstone
I was born in Alabama, but I only lived there for a month before I'd done everything there was to do.

Paula Poundstone
My parents did a really scary thing recently. They bought a Winnebago. This means they can pull up in front of my house anytime now and just live there.

Paula Poundstone
My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim'.

Paula Poundstone
My mother told me that she learned to swim when someone took her out in a boat to the middle of the lake and threw her overboard. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you to swim.'

Paula Poundstone
I don't like sex... I'm a single working mom with nine cats, a dog-shark, a lizard, and a bunny. I don't go to bed, I pass out. The idea that I'd get to my bed and there'd be someone in there with whom I was supposed to have an activity is horrifying to me.

Paula Poundstone
I was one of the first people to almost actually vomit over hearing the use of the phrase "family values" and I pride myself on never having fallen for the idea that Barbara Bush was sweet and grandmotherly. I met Barbara Bush and, as I expected, she was a tank with eyes, not a nice person at all and why should that blow anybody away?

Paula Poundstone
We now have ten cats, a big stupid dog, two tadpoles, a bearded dragon lizard, and a bunny. I'm going to be honest with you. I'd been drunk in that pet store before, and I don't want to play the victim here, but I believe they knew and I believe they took advantage. Does anybody else's pet store have a wine section? It seems unusual to me.

Paula Poundstone
The wages of sin are death, but of course, with taxes taken out, it'd just be kind of a tired feeling.

Paula Poundstone
My parents got carried away with the letter P when they were naming the kids in our family. There's me, Paula, my sisters Peggy and Patty, and my brother Pjimmy, spelled with a silent P.

Paula Poundstone
They're not going to teach science at all. What they do is take the science students down to the lake, tie them in burlap sacks and throw them in. If God thinks they're good science students, they float.

Paula Poundstone
I buy impulsively sometimes, totally forgetting what I look like and how I spend my time.

Paula Poundstone