Quotes by Women Comedians

I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows.

And the bottom line is we are who we are-we look a certain way, we talk a certain way, we walk a certain way. I strut because I'm a supermodel, and sometimes I gallop for fun. When we learn to accept that, other people learn to accept us. So be who you really are. Embrace who you are. Literally. Hug yourself. Accept who you are. Unless you're a serial killer.

Ellen DeGeneres

We now have ten cats, a big stupid dog, two tadpoles, a bearded dragon lizard, and a bunny. I'm going to be honest with you. I'd been drunk in that pet store before, and I don't want to play the victim here, but I believe they knew and I believe they took advantage. Does anybody else's pet store have a wine section? It seems unusual to me.

Paula Poundstone

Weep if you must Parting is hell But life goes on So sing as well.

We must know who we are, so we can know what we want, so we don't end up wanting the wrong thing and get it and realize we don't want it, because by then it's too late. We are powerful enough that we can manifest anything into our lives. To use this power with great care and love is the secret to living a happy life.

If no one saw - it didn't count. It's only when you eat in front of strangers or people that make you feel guilty that food is really fattening.

Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but I believe when a woman enters a room, men should stand up - and gay men should stand up at least halfway.

Life is broken down into these stages: you're born and you don't know how anything works; gradually you find out how everything works; technology evolves and slowly there are a few things you can't work; at the end, you don't know how anything works.

When I was twenty-five, I went on exactly four dates with a much older guy whom I'll call Peter Parker. I'm calling him Peter Parker because the actual guy's name was also alliterative, and because, well, it's my book and I'll name a guy I dated after Spider-Man's alter ego if I want to.

The person closest to actually achieving this look is Kim Kardashian, who, as we know, was made by Russian scientists to sabotage our athletes. Everyone else is struggling.

Since so many people these days don't seem to start their families until around age forty, I predict there will be less child beating, but more slipped disks from lifting babies out of cribs. Even the father of advanced age who's not inclined to spare the rod is likely to suffer more than his victim: The first punch he throws might well be the last straw for his rotator cuff, reducing his disciplinary options to mere verbal abuse and napping.

Sarah Silverman

You're fourteen years old. You've only had that hair for fourteen years and you want to change it already! How bored are you going to be with it by the time you are thirty? What color will you be up to by then?

Louise Rennison

Shamu and I have arrived safely in Costa Rica. He was stopped by airport security because he carries enough artillery in his pants pockets to construct a sawed-off shotgun. Evidently, he though we were headed to Iraq.

Chelsea Handler

Surround yourself with people who are the ketchup to your french fries-they make you a better version of yourself. Yes french fries are amazing on their own, but combined with ketchup they are a force. Spend time with people who bring out your true flavors, but don't overpower you.

Life is a series of embarrassing moments which leave you feeling alone in your confusion and shame

When the bank calls:

"Chase Bank, I'm self-employed, how long do you want to stay on the phone?"

My father was a really funny guy. He lived a good long life. And he was the reason I wanted to be funny and become a comedian and a comedy writer, so to say that he's somewhat of a mythic figure in my life would be an understatement.

There were subjects we tackled that had never been even discussed, like I had an abortion. Nobody ever talked about that.

Beatrice Arthur

The stinkiest hair products have got to be any sort of perm, and Nair. In fact, they smell remarkably similar. Do you think that Nair is just a souped-up version of a perm that makes your leg hair super-curl until it falls off? And can anything that smells that bad be good for you?

On her hometown:

Erith isn't twinned with anywhere but it does have a suicide pact with Dagenham.

My mother is a ventriloquist – but not professionally. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father. I got my brother to do it.

Children raised with love and compassion will be free to use their time as adults in meaningful and creative ways, rather than expressing their childhood hurts in ways that harm themselves or others. If adults have no need to deal with the past, they can live fully in the present.

Men put all kinds of expectations on you. They want you to scream 'You're the best' while swearing you've never done this with anyone before.

If I were alive in Rubens's time, I'd be celebrated as a model. Kate Moss would be used as a paint brush.

Being a funny person does an awful lot of things to you. You feel that you mustn't get serious with people. They don't expect it from you, and they don't want to see it. You're not entitled to be serious, you're a clown, and they only want you to make them laugh.