Quotes by Women Comedians

My mother is a ventriloquist – but not professionally. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father. I got my brother to do it.

I know every time I fly, I get checked twice: they stop me at security, and then, they get me again at the gate. And last time, it was so bad, they actually made me go through the machine with the luggage.

Men put all kinds of expectations on you. They want you to scream 'You're the best' while swearing you've never done this with anyone before.

If I were alive in Rubens's time, I'd be celebrated as a model. Kate Moss would be used as a paint brush.

Being a funny person does an awful lot of things to you. You feel that you mustn't get serious with people. They don't expect it from you, and they don't want to see it. You're not entitled to be serious, you're a clown, and they only want you to make them laugh.

Before you can give of yourself to others you must know what of yourself you have to give. Every person is special. In all the land there is only one you, possibly two, but seldom more than sixteen.

I had no idea that marriage was only supposed to be between two people who wanted to get between the sheets and make more people. What ever happened to marrying for love— or to get on your partner's health insurance policy, or for presents? No one was going to buy two people in their thirties a four-slice toaster if we just continued to live in sin.

Laughter takes the tyranny of the lies we are told and told and told and it blows them apart.

If you cage a wild thing, you can be sure it will die, but if you let it run free, nine times out of ten it will run back home.

Everything's getting on top of me. I can't switch off. I've got a self-cleaning oven—I have to get up in the night to see if it's doing it.

On teaching children how to cross the street:

Damn the lights. Watch the cars. The lights ain't never killed nobody.

My little sister, she got me on Facebook because I was on MySpace: "No, no, no. You don't want to be on MySpace, you want to be on Facebook!" So I joined both. But I keep muddling them up, so I keep asking people to come on MyFace. Still, eighty thousand friends!

Shappi Khorsandi