Joan Rivers Quotes

72 Sourced Quotes

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.

Joan Rivers
People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

Joan Rivers
When my husband Edgar and I were courting, he said he couldn't wait to have a baby. It was only after we were married that he changed his mind and decided that I should have the baby.

Joan Rivers
My cousin Shirley, who never complains, screamed and screamed when she was having her baby. True, this was just during conception.

Joan Rivers
Whatever you do to recover from a loss, people will be critical because they believe that the only way to recover is their way. And you will even run into some people who should be run into by rhinos because they actually don't want to see you get over your tragedy at all; grief is a spectator sport for them.

Joan Rivers
It's been so long since I made love, I can't even remember who gets tied up.

Joan Rivers
I was absorbing a sorry truth of show business — rejection is the norm and acceptance the oddity. I was learning to cut the tops off my highs and stay with the lows where the rejections and letdowns would be shallow.

Joan Rivers
Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name.
Advice to Joan Rivers from her mother

Joan Rivers
I wear the midi because I feel if you're going to look ugly, you may as well look this year's ugly.

Joan Rivers
Emotional troubles are like landfill. Get them outside, and the air disintegrates them.

Joan Rivers
You have to do more than just kill time or time will quickly kill you.

Joan Rivers
I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.

Joan Rivers
Just remember: Surviving is the best revenge, no matter what the disaster has been.

Joan Rivers
My body is so bad, a Peeping Tom looked in my window and pulled down the shade.

Joan Rivers
The only street I like is Rue Honore de Balzac, because 'Balzac' sound so gay, and I love my gays. I might like Parisians more if they named their streets only for gay icons, like Rue Liza Minnelli or Rue Bette Midler or, my favorite, Rue McClanahan.

Joan Rivers
A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills—she had 14 kids but didn't give a shit.

Joan Rivers
My earliest childhood memory was watching my parents loosen the wheels on my stroller.

Joan Rivers
How to fool yourself into feeling younger: When you go to restaurants, always check a coat and a skateboard.

Joan Rivers
I don't exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.

Joan Rivers
Half of all marriages end in divorce — and then there are the really unhappy ones.

Joan Rivers
To maintain success, stamina is more important than talent. You have to learn to be a marathon runner.

Joan Rivers
In every human endeavor, persistence is everything.

Joan Rivers
If you don't think that all life is improvisation, then you haven't been paying attention. Life is what happens to you while you're making other plans.

Joan Rivers
Elizabeth Taylor is wearing Orson Welles designer jeans.

Joan Rivers
My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

Joan Rivers