Joan Rivers Quotes

72 Sourced Quotes

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.

Joan Rivers
People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

Joan Rivers
People say money is not the key to happiness, but I've always figured if you have enough money you can get a key made.

Joan Rivers
In every human endeavor, persistence is everything.

Joan Rivers
To maintain success, stamina is more important than talent. You have to learn to be a marathon runner.

Joan Rivers
When I was in labour the nurses would look at me and say, 'Do you still think blondes have more fun?'

Joan Rivers
It's been so long since I made love, I can't even remember who gets tied up.

Joan Rivers
I could never be in a cult. For starters, they never accessorize properly. David Koresh had no fashion sense, Jim Jones wore leisure suits, and I don't care how charismatic Osama bin Laden was, an AK-47 and an insulin drip do not take the place of drop earrings or a well-placed brooch.

Joan Rivers
Everyone thinks Angelina Jolie was the first celebrity baby hoarder, but she wasn't. Before Angelina there was Mia Farrow. Mia had an entire farm full of children. I think she got them at Costco.

Joan Rivers
The only street I like is Rue Honore de Balzac, because 'Balzac' sound so gay, and I love my gays. I might like Parisians more if they named their streets only for gay icons, like Rue Liza Minnelli or Rue Bette Midler or, my favorite, Rue McClanahan.

Joan Rivers
I love gay and lesbian parents. But I think we need a law that says lesbians and gay men have to raise their children together. This way, the kids would not only know how to build bookshelves, but they'd also instinctively know how to decorate them.

Joan Rivers
Marriage isn't a contest to see who is most often right. Marriage requires being what the Japanese call 'the wise bamboo,' which means you bend so you don't break. Treat your spouse with the flexibility and respect you would give to a top client. Think how we treat clients; We smile, we are polite, we listen to their ideas. Never forget that your spouse is your most important client.

Joan Rivers
Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but I believe when a woman enters a room, men should stand up - and gay men should stand up at least halfway.

Joan Rivers
My body is so bad, a Peeping Tom looked in my window and pulled down the shade.

Joan Rivers
Life is a movie, and you're the star. Give it a happy ending.

Joan Rivers
Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name.
Advice to Joan Rivers from her mother

Joan Rivers
Keep moving. It's hard for old age to hit a moving target.

Joan Rivers
To the pessimist the light at the end of the tunnel is another train.

Joan Rivers
Half of all marriages end in divorce — and then there are the really unhappy ones.

Joan Rivers
Don't talk to me about gravity. When I get out of bed in the morning, I have to be careful not to step on my breasts.

Joan Rivers
A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills—she had 14 kids but didn't give a shit.

Joan Rivers
Elizabeth Taylor is wearing Orson Welles designer jeans.

Joan Rivers
I said to my husband, my boobs have gone, my stomach's gone, say something nice about my legs. He said, 'Blue goes with everything'.

Joan Rivers
My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

Joan Rivers
My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.

Joan Rivers
I am not lucky. I am the type who would go to Lourdes and drown in the waters.

Joan Rivers
Just remember: Surviving is the best revenge, no matter what the disaster has been.

Joan Rivers
I want to be buried in a Valentino gown and I want Harry Winston to make me a toe tag.

Joan Rivers
My earliest childhood memory was watching my parents loosen the wheels on my stroller.

Joan Rivers
I know now that everybody in the arts is forever a beginner. Experience counts for a great deal and very little. Every night onstage I feel I am starting from scratch, still not quite sure what I am doing and where I am going, thrown by the simplest thing that goes wrong.

Joan Rivers