Joan Rivers Short Quotes

25 Sourced Quotes

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In every human endeavor, persistence is everything.

Joan Rivers
Before we make love, my husband takes a pain killer.

Joan Rivers
I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.

Joan Rivers
Elizabeth Taylor is wearing Orson Welles designer jeans.

Joan Rivers
My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

Joan Rivers
Keep moving. It's hard for old age to hit a moving target.

Joan Rivers
Life is a movie, and you're the star. Give it a happy ending.

Joan Rivers
I have so little sex appeal that my gynecologist calls me "sir."

Joan Rivers
It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up whom.

Joan Rivers
There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.

Joan Rivers
Any form of complacency is the kiss of death for any professional.

Joan Rivers
To the pessimist the light at the end of the tunnel is another train.

Joan Rivers
Does fashion matter? Always — though not quite as much after death.

Joan Rivers
You have to do more than just kill time or time will quickly kill you.

Joan Rivers
Prince Charles' ears are so big he could hang-glide over the Falklands.

Joan Rivers
It's been so long since I made love, I can't even remember who gets tied up.

Joan Rivers
My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

Joan Rivers
I am not lucky. I am the type who would go to Lourdes and drown in the waters.

Joan Rivers
My body is so bad, a Peeping Tom looked in my window and pulled down the shade.

Joan Rivers
I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.

Joan Rivers
On Michael Jackson:
He's the guy that makes Liberace look like Clint Eastwood.

Joan Rivers
Just remember: Surviving is the best revenge, no matter what the disaster has been.

Joan Rivers
Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name.
Advice to Joan Rivers from her mother

Joan Rivers
Half of all marriages end in divorce — and then there are the really unhappy ones.

Joan Rivers
You know you are getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.

Joan Rivers
My earliest childhood memory was watching my parents loosen the wheels on my stroller.

Joan Rivers
I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

Joan Rivers
I want to be buried in a Valentino gown and I want Harry Winston to make me a toe tag.

Joan Rivers
Emotional troubles are like landfill. Get them outside, and the air disintegrates them.

Joan Rivers
My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese. Most of it's missing and what's there stinks.

Joan Rivers