Joan Rivers Quotes

72 Sourced Quotes

My cousin Shirley, who never complains, screamed and screamed when she was having her baby. True, this was just during conception.

Joan Rivers
Your anger can be 49 percent and your comedy 51 percent, and you're okay. If the anger is 51 percent, the comedy is gone.

Joan Rivers
I was absorbing a sorry truth of show business — rejection is the norm and acceptance the oddity. I was learning to cut the tops off my highs and stay with the lows where the rejections and letdowns would be shallow.

Joan Rivers
My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese. Most of it's missing and what's there stinks.

Joan Rivers
I started my career in a town so small the local clinic was called Fred's Hospital and Grill.

Joan Rivers
Why do wives have to spend so much time dusting, vacuuming, mopping, making beds, washing dishes, when you just have to do it all again six months later?

Joan Rivers
Does fashion matter? Always — though not quite as much after death.

Joan Rivers
On Charles, Prince of Wales:
He's so gay. He can't wait for his mother to die so he can be Queen.

Joan Rivers
With the pollution of our rivers today they are changing the signs from 'No Fishing' to 'No Fish.'

Joan Rivers
Show business can be an addiction.... An audience would laugh at me one night, and I would chase that high for another three months.

Joan Rivers
It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up whom.

Joan Rivers
I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.

Joan Rivers