Joan Rivers Quotes

72 Sourced Quotes

I wear the midi because I feel if you're going to look ugly, you may as well look this year's ugly.

Joan Rivers
You have to do more than just kill time or time will quickly kill you.

Joan Rivers
I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

Joan Rivers
In every human endeavor, persistence is everything.

Joan Rivers
To maintain success, stamina is more important than talent. You have to learn to be a marathon runner.

Joan Rivers
Prince Charles' ears are so big he could hang-glide over the Falklands.

Joan Rivers
There is nothing funny about aging: It is rotten and depressing. Anyone who tells you otherwise just hasn't been paying attention.

Joan Rivers
Before we make love, my husband takes a pain killer.

Joan Rivers
The worst thing anyone has ever said about me is that I'm fifty. Which I am. Oh that bitch. I was so hurt.

Joan Rivers
She does not understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thinks we just fought World War Eleven.
Of Bo Derek

Joan Rivers
Emotional troubles are like landfill. Get them outside, and the air disintegrates them.

Joan Rivers
I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes—and six months later you have to start all over again.

Joan Rivers
My mother could make anybody feel guilty — she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know.

Joan Rivers
Whatever you do to recover from a loss, people will be critical because they believe that the only way to recover is their way. And you will even run into some people who should be run into by rhinos because they actually don't want to see you get over your tragedy at all; grief is a spectator sport for them.

Joan Rivers
I don't exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.

Joan Rivers
If you don't think that all life is improvisation, then you haven't been paying attention. Life is what happens to you while you're making other plans.

Joan Rivers
On Michael Jackson:
He's the guy that makes Liberace look like Clint Eastwood.

Joan Rivers
A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

Joan Rivers
I have so little sex appeal that my gynecologist calls me "sir."

Joan Rivers
How to fool yourself into feeling younger: When you go to restaurants, always check a coat and a skateboard.

Joan Rivers
Anger is a symptom, a way of cloaking and expressing feelings too awful to experience directly—hurt, bitterness, grief and, most of all, fear.

Joan Rivers
Any form of complacency is the kiss of death for any professional.

Joan Rivers
On Mick Jagger:
The lips, the lips! He could French kiss a moose or blow a tuba from both ends at the same time.

Joan Rivers
The first rule of survival is: Make your own rules. The hell anyone thinks about the way you're acting; listen only to yourself.

Joan Rivers
Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa, you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'

Joan Rivers
And since we're all adults here, let's be brutally honest-most babies are not actually attractive. In fact, they're weird and freakish looking. A large percentage of them are squinty-eyed and bald and their faces are all mushed toegther, kind of like Renee Zellweger pushed up against a glass window.

Joan Rivers
When my husband Edgar and I were courting, he said he couldn't wait to have a baby. It was only after we were married that he changed his mind and decided that I should have the baby.

Joan Rivers
There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.

Joan Rivers
You know you are getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.

Joan Rivers
In life the only thing that you can expect is the unexpected; the only surprise is a day that has none.

Joan Rivers