Robin Williams Quotes

68 Sourced Quotes

You're only given a little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it.

Robin Williams
You know the difference between a tornado and divorce in the south? Nothing! Someone is losing a trailer.

Robin Williams
I'd like to welcome you the AOPA. There's also aa-AOPA. If this is your first time flying a plane on alcohol, I'd like to welcome ya!

Robin Williams
The Swiss…the nice Germans, or as they like to say, the other white race. Now how can you trust an army…how butch is an army that has a wine opener on its knife? "Many of you have never opened Chardonnay under fire! First, you pull the cork out, sniff it, say, 'Meat or fish?', and throw! (Military cadence) I don't know, but I've been told, Chardonnay must be served cold! Ja!"

Robin Williams
And that's when you realize that God gave you a penis and a brain and only enough blood to run one at a time.

Robin Williams
Parry is a man with a previous life that was so damaged that he had to create another personality. … It's like post-traumatic stress syndrome: Some people respond to traumatic or tragic events by withdrawal; some even create other personalities. Parry is a creation — somewhat Don Quixote, somewhat Groucho Marx — but he's a creation designed to avoid a past event.

Robin Williams
Imitating Pavarotti. "It is amazing I know it is huge. BEHOLD IT. IT IS GROWING. ALL OF MY PHALLUS IS A SHOWING!"

Robin Williams
These drugs have side effects that go on for fuckin' days, like tendency-to-grow-another-head, oh my God! When we were growing up we knew the side effects of the drugs we were taking. Cocaine, side effects were paranoia, ninjas-on-the-lawn; quaaludes, side effects were talking in tongues, English as a second language; marijuana, side effects were laughter, Frosted Flakes.

Robin Williams
As beatific as Gandhi was, I'm sure there was some guy in a Bombay bar going, "I knew Gandhi…he was a prick. He was sucking down a pork hot dog, hitting on Mother Teresa. He kept saying, "Who's your diaper daddy? Who's your diaper daddy?"

Robin Williams
Twitter broke the other day, and a lot of people were going, "My Thumbs! My thumbs are moving for no reason! What's that?" "A book". <hissing noise> "Who are you?" "Dad. I miss you. Let's talk."

Robin Williams
Baby caca is like Kryptonite to a father. Even the dog says, You don't rub his face in it.

Robin Williams
And you know that if they legalize it, they'll have to regulate it, which means that they'll have to put a message on a box of joints, it'll say, "Surgeon General has determined this will make your music... awesome! Even Yanni. And if you think you liked cartoons before..."

Robin Williams
I was once on a German talk show, and this woman said to me, "Mr. Williams, why do you think there is not so much comedy in Germany?" And I said, "Did you ever think you killed all the funny people?"

Robin Williams
There was an old, crazy dude who used to live a long time ago. His name was Lord Buckley. And he said, a long time ago, he said, "People: They're kinda like flowers and it's been a privilege walking in your garden." My love goes with you.

Robin Williams
And if you want a linguistic adventure, go drinking with a Scotsman. 'Cause you can't fuckin' understand them before!

Robin Williams
Michael is claiming racism, and I'm like, "Honey, you gotta pick a race first!" What are you claiming, mistreatment of elves? What are you saying?

Robin Williams
One of the fundamental things is in a jihad. That sounds like a country western term like, "Jiii-had!"

Robin Williams
There was one guy that had an amazing claim to fame, in terms of drugs and sports. And his name was Dock Ellis. And Dock Ellis did an incredible thing. The one person who knows, thank you. Dock Ellis pitched a no-hitter on LSD. Those of you who have taken LSD, tell the others how hard that might be. If I took LSD, I'd be talking to every blade of grass like <tiptoes across the stage> "Sorry! Sorry! Sorry!"

Robin Williams
Cheney shot a man in the face hunting quail. I don't know about East coast quail, but California quail are this fucking big. (indicates a position about a foot above the stage floor)

Robin Williams
The Second Amendment! It says you have the right to bear arms, or the right to arm bears, whatever the hell you want to do!

Robin Williams
The professor was on acid, and sometimes he'd shout, "I'm Lincoln!" And then, there'd be a kid in the back, "I'm Booth!"

Robin Williams
It's a wonderful feeling when your father becomes not a god but a man to you—when he comes down from the mountain and you see he's this man with weaknesses. And you live with him as this whole being, not as a figurehead.

Robin Williams
Dubya doesn't speak while Cheney's drinking water. Check that shit out.

Robin Williams
When I was growing up they used to say, "Robin, drugs can kill you." Now that I'm 58 my doctor's telling me, "Robin, you need drugs to live." I realize now that my doctor is also my dealer...

Robin Williams
How much more can you give? Other than, literally, open-heart surgery onstage? Not much. But the only cure you have right now is the honesty of going, this is who you are. I know who I am.

Robin Williams
Before I go on, I want to ask if there are any Hell's Angels here tonight? [no response] … Those pussy-whipped faggots!

Robin Williams
Thank you. How-DY! Whoops, wrong opera house. How do you like the play, Mr. Lincoln? Duck!

Robin Williams
And some people say Jesus wasn't Jewish. Of COURSE he was Jewish! 30 years old, single, lives with his parents! Come on! He works in his father's business, his mom thought he was God's gift! He's Jewish! Give it up!

Robin Williams
[spoofing Mr. Rogers] It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood... oh, damn, someone stole my sneakers. Let's do some wonderful things today, boys and girls; but first, do you mind if I take some more medication? It helps the day go a little bit slower. There we go. Now we're gonna do some wonderful experiments you can do around the house. Let's put Mr. Hamster in the microwave, okay?... He knows where he's going. BEEP! Pop goes the weasel! That's severe radiation. Can you say "severe radiation"? Oh, look, you got a little balloon now.

Robin Williams
Okay, let's look at the weather map...(screen behind him shows a massive cyclone)... FUCK! This is Hurricane Siobhan, this map represents the entire south, the asshole in the middle is Dallas... um, back to you, Ted, I think I just shit myself.

Robin Williams