Robin Williams Quotes

68 Sourced Quotes

[Imitating a Frenchman] Fuck you, Americans! Uncultured, crass Americans! We hate all of you! Fu—the Germans are here! Hello, Americans! We love you!

Robin Williams
And if you're looking for Sarah Palin's new book, it is a bitch to find! I found it somewhere between fiction and non-fiction, in the fantasy aisle.

Robin Williams
[On husbands sharing their wives' childbearing experience] Unless you're passing a bowling ball, I don't think so. Unless you're trying to circumcise yourself with a chainsaw, I don't think so. Unless you're opening an umbrella up your ass, I don't think so!

Robin Williams
The sound crapped out for a bit, that's why I'm using SupposiSound! No one wants their tapes back, I wonder why.

Robin Williams
And the French! The French have a bomb, too! Maybe they have the Michelin Bomb—ah! Only destroys restaurants under 4 stars! They are one of the only people that still test their bombs! Where do they do it? In the Sahara in the total wasteland? No, fuck off! In Tahiti! In paradise. Why? Because we're French. Oh, look, a Greenpeace boat coming to protest—fuck off. I sink you.

Robin Williams
They call it freebasing. It's not free, it costs you your house! It should be called home basing! Three signs you're addicted to cocaine: First of all, if you come home to your house and you have no furniture and your cat's going "I'm outta here, prick!," Warning! Number two: If you have this dream where you're doing cocaine in your sleep and you can't fall asleep, and you wake up and you're doing cocaine, BINGO! Number three: if on your tax form it says, "$50,000 for snacks," MAYDAY!

Robin Williams
There were a lot of doctors in rehab. It's rather like being in a fat farm with nutritionists.

Robin Williams
I want the guy who does Mexican soccer to do golf one time. "The ball is starting…the ball is going to the…HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLE!" Just to see all those old WASPy motherfuckers go "Oh dear Christ! My God, they're not gardening, they're playing now, oh shit! What the hell are we gonna do?" Because that was their last domain of dominance. It was their area, they were the king, up until…Tiger. Yesss. Son of a black man and a Thai woman, not even a German geneticist could've thought that one up!

Robin Williams
Come on now! You kick out the gooks, the next thing you know, you have to kick out the chinks, the spicks, the spooks, the kikes and all that's going to be left is a couple of brain-dead rednecks.

Robin Williams
Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

Robin Williams
You appreciate little things, like walks on the beach with a defibrillator.
After a surgery to replace a valve in his heart

Robin Williams
We were talking briefly about cocaine... yeah. Anything that makes you paranoid and impotent, give me more of that!

Robin Williams
I would like to do Shakespeare's only unknown piece, That's the Way I Lick It... It's a bleak night my Lord. Look! The moon like a testicle hangs low in the sky. This bodes not well.... Anon, post-haste, let's get a larger crowd in here. Free Cocaine! There's no luck. Does anyone have drugs to ease my pain? My Kingdom for a Quaalude! … It is the end! I must go, for I cannot come here, and yet, it has been brief, 'tis over, and the lights do turn bright. I'm melting! Help me! Help me!

Robin Williams
They made porn movies, of my movies! Good Will Humping? It's okay... Wet Dreams May Cum? All right... Snatch Adams? That was scary. A clown with a strap-on. Popeye... I would watch that. "Ag-gag-gag-ga, I creamed me spinach!"

Robin Williams
Beer commercials usually show big men, manly men, doing manly things: "You've just killed a small animal. It's time for a light beer." Why not have a realistic beer commercial, with a realistic thing about beer, where someone goes, "It's 5:00 in the morning. You've just pissed on a dumpster. It's Miller time."

Robin Williams
In the midst of all this, there was Bernie Madoff. An embezzler named "made off." Hmm. Was the name not a clue? Did he have to be with the accounting firm of Dewey, Fuckyou, and Howe?

Robin Williams
My favorite athletes of any Olympics are always the African distance runners. You never have to drug test an African distance runner.

Robin Williams
As a Shakespearean narrator:
Mind not my words — Let the play be the thing. I'll get back forth and touch myself anon.

Robin Williams