Robin Williams Quotes

68 Sourced Quotes

And that's when you realize that God gave you a penis and a brain and only enough blood to run one at a time.

Robin Williams
Parry is a man with a previous life that was so damaged that he had to create another personality. … It's like post-traumatic stress syndrome: Some people respond to traumatic or tragic events by withdrawal; some even create other personalities. Parry is a creation — somewhat Don Quixote, somewhat Groucho Marx — but he's a creation designed to avoid a past event.

Robin Williams
Imitating Pavarotti. "It is amazing I know it is huge. BEHOLD IT. IT IS GROWING. ALL OF MY PHALLUS IS A SHOWING!"

Robin Williams
The Swiss…the nice Germans, or as they like to say, the other white race. Now how can you trust an army…how butch is an army that has a wine opener on its knife? "Many of you have never opened Chardonnay under fire! First, you pull the cork out, sniff it, say, 'Meat or fish?', and throw! (Military cadence) I don't know, but I've been told, Chardonnay must be served cold! Ja!"

Robin Williams
Death is nature's way of saying, "Your table is ready."

Robin Williams
Comedy can be a cathartic way to deal with personal trauma.

Robin Williams
We still have great comedy out there. There's always ramblin' Joe Biden. What the fuck? Joe says shit that even people with Tourette's go "no..."

Robin Williams
On creating:
And you get that little endorphin buzz, it's great. Why do you think Einstein looked like that? I don't think he was going "You know this is some dynamite weed! It's all relative you know."

Robin Williams
Being a functioning alcoholic is kind of like being a paraplegic lap dancer: You can do it, just not as well as the others, really.

Robin Williams
[Comparing Ronald Reagan's Cabinet to Star Wars] There's Henry Kissinger as Yoda, "Must now cannot see understanding that I be here for you. I will show you now, Nicaragua, Cambodia, Nicaragua, Cambodia, shhh. Must later understand!"

Robin Williams
There is one man that we can run for office that even the French would say "Fuck off!" That man... is Jack Nicholson. Yes! You will never have a sex scandal with Jack because he has fucked everyone!

Robin Williams
What kind of food did we drop on Afghanistan? Pop-Tarts, peanut butter…just add a Honey Baked Ham and you've got a redneck Christmas. Why are we dropping this food on Afghanistan? Tastes a hell of a lot better than dirt, #1. #2, difficult to have a call to jihad with a mouth full of peanut butter. Thirdly, Afghanistan is a hashish-smoking culture, and anyone who's ever been a friend of the hookah will go, (intense, stoned stare) "Pop-Tarts!"

Robin Williams
Baseball players have to go in front of a grand jury and say, "Yeah, I did cocaine. Can you blame me? It's a slow goddamn game! Come on Jack! Standing out in left field for seven innings, and there's a long white line going down to home plate! I see the guy putting it out going "Heh heh heh heh!!!!" And that damn organ music too, the whole [does intro to "Charge!"]! Third base coach is always doing this...[wiping nose, fidgeting around]. When he's doing that, I don't know whether to slide or do a line! People sliding into home plate head first, umpire goes, "You're out!" "No, baby, I'm up now! Ha ha ha!"

Robin Williams
I walked into my son's room the other day, and he's got four screens going at the same time. He's watching a movie on one screen, playing a game on another, downloading something on this one, texting on that one, people say "He's got ADD." Fuck that, he's multitasking.

Robin Williams
What's my credibility? Why are they looking to me for advice? Isn't there someone more qualified?

Robin Williams
Now, at the airports, if you're heavily pierced, like some of my friends, it's like, (steps forward) "BZZT!" "Please remove anything from your pockets." Tip of the iceberg. (pantomimes removing various piercings from the ears, nose, eyebrows, lips; then reaches to the side, grabs an imaginary drill, points it at his crotch and makes a drilling noise) For those playing the home game, this is what's known as a Prince Albert. And I'm sure that was his last wish. "Victoria, I'm dying…I want you to name a museum, a performance hall, and a bolt through the cock after me…and that will be Victoria's Secret."

Robin Williams
Catherine the Great, Golda Meir, Indira Gandhi: These may not be women you'd want to fuck, but you definitely don't want to fuck with them. And if you don't think a woman can handle a war, ask the Argentinians.

Robin Williams
My God, what am I doing here? It's weird. How do you get to the Met? Money! Lots and lots of money! I can imagine Pavarotti next door at the improv going, "Two Jews walk into a bar..."

Robin Williams
I'd like to start the show by showing you something I'm very proud of. You'll have to step back, though.

Robin Williams
[regarding Sarah Palin] "I know about Russia because I can see it from my front yard!" You have amazing eyesight, number one... Well, I can see San Quentin from my house, but that doesn't make me an expert on prison reform.

Robin Williams
[Imitating a Frenchman] Fuck you, Americans! Uncultured, crass Americans! We hate all of you! Fu—the Germans are here! Hello, Americans! We love you!

Robin Williams
And if you're looking for Sarah Palin's new book, it is a bitch to find! I found it somewhere between fiction and non-fiction, in the fantasy aisle.

Robin Williams
[On husbands sharing their wives' childbearing experience] Unless you're passing a bowling ball, I don't think so. Unless you're trying to circumcise yourself with a chainsaw, I don't think so. Unless you're opening an umbrella up your ass, I don't think so!

Robin Williams
The sound crapped out for a bit, that's why I'm using SupposiSound! No one wants their tapes back, I wonder why.

Robin Williams
And the French! The French have a bomb, too! Maybe they have the Michelin Bomb—ah! Only destroys restaurants under 4 stars! They are one of the only people that still test their bombs! Where do they do it? In the Sahara in the total wasteland? No, fuck off! In Tahiti! In paradise. Why? Because we're French. Oh, look, a Greenpeace boat coming to protest—fuck off. I sink you.

Robin Williams
They call it freebasing. It's not free, it costs you your house! It should be called home basing! Three signs you're addicted to cocaine: First of all, if you come home to your house and you have no furniture and your cat's going "I'm outta here, prick!," Warning! Number two: If you have this dream where you're doing cocaine in your sleep and you can't fall asleep, and you wake up and you're doing cocaine, BINGO! Number three: if on your tax form it says, "$50,000 for snacks," MAYDAY!

Robin Williams
There were a lot of doctors in rehab. It's rather like being in a fat farm with nutritionists.

Robin Williams
I want the guy who does Mexican soccer to do golf one time. "The ball is starting…the ball is going to the…HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLE!" Just to see all those old WASPy motherfuckers go "Oh dear Christ! My God, they're not gardening, they're playing now, oh shit! What the hell are we gonna do?" Because that was their last domain of dominance. It was their area, they were the king, up until…Tiger. Yesss. Son of a black man and a Thai woman, not even a German geneticist could've thought that one up!

Robin Williams
Come on now! You kick out the gooks, the next thing you know, you have to kick out the chinks, the spicks, the spooks, the kikes and all that's going to be left is a couple of brain-dead rednecks.

Robin Williams
Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

Robin Williams