David Letterman Quotes

26 Sourced Quotes

Mia Hamm: So we walk in to the sorority house and they're (their families and friends) just ripped. I mean they're going nuts.

David Letterman
Interesting survey in the current Journal of Abnormal Psychology: New York
City has a higher percentage of people you shouldn't make any sudden moves
around than any other city in the world.

David Letterman
Asked by reporters about his upcoming marriage to a forty-two-year-old
woman, director Roman Polanski told reporters, The way I look at it,
she's the equivalent of three fourteen-year-olds.'

David Letterman
Every year when it's Chinese New Year here in New York, there are fireworks going off at all hours. New York mothers calm their frightened children by telling them it's just gunfire.

David Letterman
Tip to out-of-town visitors. If you buy something here in New York and you want to have it shipped home, be suspicious if the clerk tells you they don't need your name and address.

David Letterman
An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to New
Guinea with reports of a tribe so primitive that they have Tide but not
new Tide with lemon-fresh Borax.

David Letterman
Tourists - have some fun with New york's hard-boiled cabbies. When you get to your destination, say to your driver, "Pay? I was hitchhiking."

David Letterman
This warning from the New York City Department of Health Fraud: Be suspicious of any doctor who tries to take your temperature with his finger.

David Letterman
If Ricky Schroder and Gary Coleman had a fight on
television with pool cues, who would win?
1) Ricky Schroder
2) Gary Coleman
3) The television viewing public

David Letterman
Excited about the Academy Awards? It will be a lot of people you've never met thanking people you've never heard of.

David Letterman
Nothing—believe me—nothing is more satisfying to me personally than getting a great idea and then beatin' it to death.

David Letterman
This year, there are 10 nominees for the Best Picture Oscar, in an effort to add some length to the show. This year the "dead actor" montage will also include those who are sick.

David Letterman
Now all of us can talk to the NSA—just by dialing any number.

David Letterman
Anybody been to Pizza Hut lately? You can get a pizza stuffed with hot dogs. They got the idea from sketches in an early Da Vinci notebook.

David Letterman
Mayor Michael Bloomberg says he feels safe riding on the subway. I want to know how he gets his bullet-proof limo into the subway.

David Letterman
A congressman from my state of Indiana, Mark Souder, has been forced to resign because of a sex scandal. Finally, I'm not Indiana's biggest embarrassment.

David Letterman
A hundred years ago the Titanic sank. It was supposed to be unsinkable. If they were going to make that same cruise again today, thanks to global warming they would not have to worry about icebergs.

David Letterman
We're told that they were zealots fueled by religious fervour…religious fervour and if you live to be a thousand years old will that make any sense to you? Will that make any goddamn sense?

David Letterman
I may not be smart enough to debate you point-for-point on this, but I have the feeling about 60% of what you say is crap.

David Letterman
I was always surprised that they didn't let me go. Wait a minute — wouldn't you like me to go home now? Well, no. Next thing you know, I've been here 23 years.

David Letterman
If you do good things for people, it will never stop making you feel good about yourself.

David Letterman
Christopher Columbus, an Italian, moved to Spain and then discovered America, although many Americans believe he was actually born in Kenya.

David Letterman
I never knew if the stupider things we did or the more traditional things we did would work. I didn't know if the stupid stuff would alienate people. I didn't know if the traditional stuff would be more appealing. And then, when I look back on it now, of course the answer is, you want to do the weird thing.

David Letterman
I always thought Jon Stewart would have been a good choice. And then Stephen. And then I thought, well, maybe this will be a good opportunity to put a black person on, and it would be a good opportunity to put a woman on. Because there are certainly a lot of very funny women that have television shows everywhere. So that would have made sense to me as well.

David Letterman
I can remember sitting next to Johnny Carson for the first time, and I'm thinking, Holy God, this is like looking at Abraham Lincoln. You've seen him forever on the $5 bill. And now all of a sudden he's here. And that was too much for me.

David Letterman
When Jay [Leno] was on, I felt like Jay and I are contemporaries. Every time he would get a show at 11:30, he would succeed smartly. And so I thought, This is still viable — an older guy in a suit. And then he left, and I suddenly was surrounded by the Jimmy's.

David Letterman