Jay Leno Quotes

27 Sourced Quotes

In reply suggestions that the US should help Iraq with the Constitution drafting process:
We might as well give them ours. We aren't using it.

Jay Leno
Did you hear about the dog that was so high-strung, he developed a nervous tick?

Jay Leno
"Fred, what happened to your ass?" "Oh, the fat guy at the office sneezed on me."

Jay Leno
This is now the twelfth day of rioting in France. They have been rioting for almost two weeks. And France has still not surrendered. That's like a record.

Jay Leno
Congratulations to the Italian people for winning the World Cup. … They won after France's best player got ejected for head butting. That's the closest anyone in a French uniform has come to combat in 60 years

Jay Leno
I've never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.

Jay Leno
I didn't realize it was October until I saw the Chicago Cubs choking.

Jay Leno
Folks, tomorrow America will get to hear those four words we've been waiting for: "Former president George Bush".

Jay Leno
So China's president [Hu Jintao] meets, uh— meets America's president. It's like President "Who?" meeting President "Huh?".

Jay Leno
Comedy is the only profession where love from a stranger is better than love from a family member. You need to perform for strangers to see if you're really funny. If they laugh and cheer, it's the greatest thing in the world.

Jay Leno
I was in the ROTC. Of course, ROTC stood for "Running off to Canada".

Jay Leno
And some sad news… the first lesbian couple to legally get married in the state of Massachusetts has split up. They cited irreconcilable similarities.

Jay Leno
106 [degrees] in the valley… I was sweating like Dan Rather checking for forged documents.

Jay Leno
In America, we like everyone to know about the good work we're doing anonymously.

Jay Leno
Afterwards, President Bush said, "Maliki is the right man for the job." Just to remind you, Bush also said FEMA's Michael Brown was the right man for the job, Donald Rumsfeld was the right man for the job, Tom DeLay was the right man for the job… which would be okay if Bush was the right man for the job.

Jay Leno
How many of you watched the vice presidential debate expecting Sarah Palin to screw up? Be honest.

Jay Leno
How many watched the President's speech last night?
[half-hearted audience applause]
How many watched American Idol?
[thundering applause]
Okay, there you go! You get the government you deserve.

Jay Leno
Never perform for your family. They either laugh too hard or not at all.

Jay Leno
Women will soon be able to make their own sperm using their own bone marrow. Is that unbelievable? How unfair is that for us guys, huh? I mean, all these years, we've been in charge of manufacturing and distribution, you know what I'm saying? We provide free delivery and installation…

Jay Leno
No, they said they do not believe in evolution, then they said the biggest threat to America: religious radicals living in the Dark Ages.

Jay Leno
French troops arrived in Afghanistan last week, and not a minute too soon. The French are acting as advisers to the Taliban, to teach them how to surrender properly.

Jay Leno
You cannot be mad at somebody who makes you laugh - it's as simple as that.

Jay Leno
Stephen Hawking is getting a divorce. That's scary. If the smartest guy in the world can't figure out women, we're screwed.

Jay Leno
A new poll shows that Americans now believe that Bill Clinton is more honest than President Bush. […] At least when Clinton screwed the nation, he did it one person at a time.

Jay Leno
Well, there's nothing funnier to me than the French. The French Resistance is probably the biggest mythical joke that ever existed. There were four guys in the French Resistance. They couldn't hand over the Jewish people fast enough. Oh, please, don't tell me about the French. The French have all sorts of secret deals with Saddam and everybody else for two cents a liter. It's an easy target.

Jay Leno
Racecar driving is a lot like sex; all men think they're good at it.

Jay Leno
Now, today is the day we honor, of course, the Presidents, ranging from George Washington, who couldn't tell a lie, to George Bush, who couldn't tell the truth, to Bill Clinton, who couldn't tell the difference.

Jay Leno