Jimmy Fallon Quotes

24 Sourced Quotes

Actually, it's tough, because he's not really screwing up. He seems to be doing a good job, but we're there just in case — the first time he does anything.
Answering the question "Is it easy to write jokes [on Saturday Night Live] about President Bush?"

Jimmy Fallon
Sometimes I wish I had a terrible childhood, so that at least I'd have an excuse.

Jimmy Fallon
Thank you... Apple, for adding a camera to the iPod Nano. Now it's just like the iPhone except it can't make calls. So basically, it's just like the iPhone.

Jimmy Fallon
A new study found that men with brown eyes are viewed as more trustworthy than men with blue eyes. Of course I heard that from Anderson Cooper, so it's probably BS.

Jimmy Fallon
Archeologists investigating an ancient shipwreck in Italy have discovered pills over two thousand years old. Meanwhile, my Mom was like, "That date is just a recommendation. They're still good."

Jimmy Fallon
A 104-year-old woman is complaining that she can't put her real age on Facebook because the birth dates only go back as far as 1910. Facebook said it will solve the problem by either adding the dates or just waiting it out.

Jimmy Fallon
On Friday a passenger on a flight to JFK had to be restrained with duct tape after he got drunk and started yelling at other passengers. Yeah, duct tape to hold someone in their seat - or as Southwest Airlines calls that, "a seatbelt."

Jimmy Fallon
The New York Times reported that people running Donald Trump's campaign have blocked him from using Twitter. Or more accurately, they switched his phone with a calculator and he still hasn't noticed.

Jimmy Fallon
Thank you, people who say 'Wow, you're really photogenic,' for not saying what you really mean: 'Wow, you're really ugly in person.'

Jimmy Fallon
Don't keep reaching for the stars because you'll just look like an idiot stretching that way for no reason.

Jimmy Fallon
A new survey found that 77 percent of Americans think politicians do "serious harm" to the country. Politicians were like, "Cool! At least they think we do something!"

Jimmy Fallon
Even though a lot of people are nervous about what a Trump presidency might look like, a longtime friend of Trump says that Trump intends to build a "wall of understanding." He also said Trump would put up some "barbed wire of compassion" and a "roadblock of empathy."

Jimmy Fallon
Thank you... 'Real Housewives of Atlanta,' for demonstrating a universal truth: Idiots like me will always watch idiots like you fight on TV. You will forever be in my TiVo.

Jimmy Fallon
In a recent speech, Pope Benedict called on world leaders to address the growing wealth gap between the rich and the poor. Then he put on his giant gold hat, hopped into his custom-made Mercedes and went back to his house that is also a country.

Jimmy Fallon
TMZ has posted pictures of Justin Bieber smoking weed at a party last week. Yikes, it's pretty embarrassing. Weed was like, "Yeah, I don't normally do this."

Jimmy Fallon
Thank you... preseason football, for having all the excitement, commercials, and time-outs of the regular season, but with none of the mattering. I appreciate it. Thank you.

Jimmy Fallon
Donald Trump is going to be president. Republicans hope he'll keep his promise to build the wall, and Democrats hope he'll keep his promise not to accept the election results.

Jimmy Fallon
A new study found that our personalities change about once every ten years. And if you disagree with the study - well, just give it ten years.

Jimmy Fallon
Of course a lot of people are unhappy with the election. In fact, there were large anti-Trump protests in the streets of at least seven cities last night, including right here in New York. Trump looked out his window from 60 stories up and said, "A parade already? That's fantastic."

Jimmy Fallon
Thank you... fantasy football draft, for letting me know that even in my fantasies, I am bad at sports.

Jimmy Fallon
Lance Armstrong will sit down for a 90-minute interview with Oprah that will air next week. Yeah, 90 minutes. Though it'll be a little suspicious when he finishes in just 60 minutes.

Jimmy Fallon
Whenever I'm stuck in traffic, I can't help but wonder, 'Where did the creator of The Jetsons go, and why hasn't he done something about this?'

Jimmy Fallon
A new study found that babies in the U.S. are watching too much television. Yeah, parents were like, "I think we saw that last Thursday on Dateline." And their baby was like, "Actually it was Friday."

Jimmy Fallon
Of Saturday Night Live:
Honestly, it's the greatest show on television. It's live. It's topical. It makes you laugh. It's just a great vibe.

Jimmy Fallon