American Comedian Quotes

It would be ridiculous for me to say anything negative regarding blacks having an equal opportunity on TV. After all, I was number one in the ratings four times last year and twice this season. What could be more damn equal than that? If they get any more equal, I don't want it.

Laughter takes the tyranny of the lies we are told and told and told and it blows them apart.

If you cage a wild thing, you can be sure it will die, but if you let it run free, nine times out of ten it will run back home.

Being funny wasn't a career choice growing up, it was my way out of situations; a way to survive another day.

I just had to be strong enough to allow myself to be vulnerable. Great Lesson. For art and for life.

Most people unfamiliar with the men in a new town might search for love until they find it. I picked out some guy on my second day in LA, who worked at the local bicycle shop, and handed my virginity to him. You can fill a tire? Sounds good to me. Let's call it a date. Needless to say he wasn't Mr. Right.

I've come up with the three things you never want to hear at your kid's parent/teacher conference. Number one: "You're only responsible for the first $10,000 worth of damage." Number two: "We have medication for this." And number three: "It was more than an ounce and he was less than 100 yards from the school."

I love you just the way you are but you don't see you like I do. You shouldn't try so hard to be perfect. Trust me, perfect should try to be you.

There is a bit of Hans Christian Andersen in every Dane.

On teaching children how to cross the street:

Damn the lights. Watch the cars. The lights ain't never killed nobody.

You have Mel Brooks and your Marx Brothers and your Larry David. So it's affected it enormously and really not at all. I don't think I've ever done anything comedically where the joke of it had to do with Judaism and Jewishness, but there's definitely a proud tradition of comedy in the Jews.

On doing voiceover:

A lot of people think that it's easy to just go and talk in front of a microphone and that's not the case. You're not just talking, you're acting. You're acting in front of a microphone as opposed to a camera. It's a lot more specific of a technique than most people think. It's not, Oh, do a silly voice! Try doing a silly voice for four hours, then take a lunch break, and then do another silly voice for four hours. It's not easy, especially because it's about the acting. So I think that mindset is a little off.

There are two things in life that keep me motivated, a cup of coffee and a second cup of coffee.

Steve Rossi: What is the difference between erotic sex and kinky sex?
Allen: Erotic sex, you use a feather.
Rossi: And, what about kinky sex?
Allen: You use the whole chicken.

I am not who I sleep with. I am not my weight. I am not my mother. I am myself. And I am all of you, and I thank you.

Man:Why is it that women don't have whiskers?
Corey: Well, you've been going out with the wrong girls.

You can't get a big head about [fame]. When people stare at me, they could be whispering to their friend, 'That guy sucks! Have you seen him before? He's horrible.'

In the event of a crash, you should put your chest to your knees and scrunch your whole body into a ball. Now if you're in coach, aren't you already sitting that way?

In the ambiguity and shifting playing field of adult life, I often wish I could just fill in a dot and have someone say Yes and hand me a chicken leg, or No and slap me with an old fish.

I want to tell you about a woman I have been married to for ten years, my wife, Ann, who speaking truthfully, saved me from myself. Who saved me from destroying myself because of my background. Who saved me from wasting my life, drinking my life away, never fulfilling my dreams because of what I had come from, and truly believing and loving - truly the first person to ever truthfully, unconditionally love me.

Russian men have a saying: "Women are like buses..." That's it.

I suppose the difference between baby people and me is that I do not consider smiling while farting 'holding up your end of a conversation.

Living with teenagers is like watching Jeopardy! every night. After a while you start thinking, Maybe I am stupid.

Caryl Kristensen

When we did our show in the '60s, during the Vietnam War, you were either a hawk or a dove; a right winger or a left winger. It was pretty decisive, but not nearly as decisive as it is now.

Inviting people to laugh with you while you are laughing at yourself is a good thing to do. You may be a fool but you're the fool in charge.