American Comedian Quotes

Laughter takes the tyranny of the lies we are told and told and told and it blows them apart.

If you cage a wild thing, you can be sure it will die, but if you let it run free, nine times out of ten it will run back home.

Being funny wasn't a career choice growing up, it was my way out of situations; a way to survive another day.

Parents don't realize that when they teach you about the Holocaust too early, it ruins you for life.

In Hollywood, we have some of the richest unemployed people in the world. They have sun tans. Some of them have chauffeurs in Rolls-Royces waiting outside. They have their golf clubs ready in the car. There is no law that says you cannot play golf while being unemployed.

I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows.

I love you just the way you are but you don't see you like I do. You shouldn't try so hard to be perfect. Trust me, perfect should try to be you.

There is a bit of Hans Christian Andersen in every Dane.

On teaching children how to cross the street:

Damn the lights. Watch the cars. The lights ain't never killed nobody.

You have Mel Brooks and your Marx Brothers and your Larry David. So it's affected it enormously and really not at all. I don't think I've ever done anything comedically where the joke of it had to do with Judaism and Jewishness, but there's definitely a proud tradition of comedy in the Jews.

In Texas, we have the death penalty, and we use it. That's right. If you come to Texas and kill somebody, we will kill you back.

If you let fear of the unknown stop you from taking chances, you will stifle your true potential.

While There may be power in forgiveness, there is even more power in lobbing a Molotov cocktail through someone's dining room window.

Jim Norton (comedian)

I am not who I sleep with. I am not my weight. I am not my mother. I am myself. And I am all of you, and I thank you.

Man:Why is it that women don't have whiskers?
Corey: Well, you've been going out with the wrong girls.

You can't get a big head about [fame]. When people stare at me, they could be whispering to their friend, 'That guy sucks! Have you seen him before? He's horrible.'

In the event of a crash, you should put your chest to your knees and scrunch your whole body into a ball. Now if you're in coach, aren't you already sitting that way?

In the ambiguity and shifting playing field of adult life, I often wish I could just fill in a dot and have someone say Yes and hand me a chicken leg, or No and slap me with an old fish.

I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. Suddenly I had to spend all my time getting well.

Only sad sacks and conformists need things like no kiss on New Year's Eve to remind them to feel lonely. They're as bad as the people who need St. Patty's Day as an excuse to get drunk or Halloween to wear slutty outfits. You can feel sorry for yourself and dress like a hooker all year round: Hallmark never needs to know.

All religions are the same: religion is basically guilt, with different holidays.

I suppose the difference between baby people and me is that I do not consider smiling while farting 'holding up your end of a conversation.

Living with teenagers is like watching Jeopardy! every night. After a while you start thinking, Maybe I am stupid.

Caryl Kristensen

When we did our show in the '60s, during the Vietnam War, you were either a hawk or a dove; a right winger or a left winger. It was pretty decisive, but not nearly as decisive as it is now.

Inviting people to laugh with you while you are laughing at yourself is a good thing to do. You may be a fool but you're the fool in charge.