American Comedian Quotes

My mother is a ventriloquist – but not professionally. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father. I got my brother to do it.

I know every time I fly, I get checked twice: they stop me at security, and then, they get me again at the gate. And last time, it was so bad, they actually made me go through the machine with the luggage.

My grandmother's name is Estelle Marie Talley. She's not here tonight. And this is going to be the toughest part. But she was my first acting teacher. She told me to stand up straight. Put your shoulders back. Act like you got some sense.... She still talks to me now. Only now, she talks to me in my dreams. And I can't wait to go to sleep tonight because we got a lot to talk about.

In Hollywood, we have some of the richest unemployed people in the world. They have sun tans. Some of them have chauffeurs in Rolls-Royces waiting outside. They have their golf clubs ready in the car. There is no law that says you cannot play golf while being unemployed.

Living with teenagers is like watching Jeopardy! every night. After a while you start thinking, Maybe I am stupid.

Caryl Kristensen

I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows.

For me to be at a comedy club and flip out and say this crap, I'm deeply, deeply sorry.

Michael Richards

I wonder if to stare into the face of God will drive me crazy. (I wonder who would blink first.)

Being a funny person does an awful lot of things to you. You feel that you mustn't get serious with people. They don't expect it from you, and they don't want to see it. You're not entitled to be serious, you're a clown, and they only want you to make them laugh.

Millions of Germans had absolute faith in Hitler. Millions of Russians had faith in Stalin. Millions of Chinese had faith in Mao. Billions have had faith in imaginary gods.

Every black American is bilingual. We speak street vernacular and job interview.

If you let fear of the unknown stop you from taking chances, you will stifle your true potential.

I suppose the difference between baby people and me is that I do not consider smiling while farting 'holding up your end of a conversation.

The first time we put Debbie Downer on the show, I had a giggle fit that I couldn't control, and the whole cast ended up breaking so hard we could never quite recover.

Before you can give of yourself to others you must know what of yourself you have to give. Every person is special. In all the land there is only one you, possibly two, but seldom more than sixteen.

Did you ever get the feeling that the world was a tuxedo and you were a pair of brown shoes?

I accept the responsibility but not the blame. Let me explain the difference. Those who are to blame lose their jobs. Those who are responsible do not.

Television is a medium, so called because it is neither rare nor well-done.

Most people unfamiliar with the men in a new town might search for love until they find it. I picked out some guy on my second day in LA, who worked at the local bicycle shop, and handed my virginity to him. You can fill a tire? Sounds good to me. Let's call it a date. Needless to say he wasn't Mr. Right.

There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure.

Jack E. Leonard

It's easy to sit on a mountaintop and tell people what to do and how to be happy. I have chosen to do that. Not because it's easy, but for a different reason, which I would reveal, if your mind was ready to handle it, which it isn't, which is also very convenient for me.

Parents don't realize that when they teach you about the Holocaust too early, it ruins you for life.

I'm not sure sophisticated comedy has a place on television any more … I'd like to think it still does … But I'm not sure the networks are interested, I'm not sure anybody else is interested in sophisticated comedy any more.

It would be ridiculous for me to say anything negative regarding blacks having an equal opportunity on TV. After all, I was number one in the ratings four times last year and twice this season. What could be more damn equal than that? If they get any more equal, I don't want it.

Laughter takes the tyranny of the lies we are told and told and told and it blows them apart.