American Comedian Quotes

Girls love their showers, they spend like twelve hours in there. I know why too, I read in Cosmo. It said that, "Eighty three percent of all women masturbate in the shower." That's wonderful. I can't masturbate in the shower cause my legs give out and then I rip down the shower curtain. And then my Mom gets mad. And I have to go to bed without dinner. I masturbated in the car once. That's a cry for help. I wouldn't do it again, though, 'cause the cab driver got really pissed off. I was like, "I'm sorry sir, all I saw was the non-smoking sign."

My mother is a ventriloquist – but not professionally. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father. I got my brother to do it.

I know every time I fly, I get checked twice: they stop me at security, and then, they get me again at the gate. And last time, it was so bad, they actually made me go through the machine with the luggage.

Modesty is the artifice of actors, similar to passion in call-girls.

The first time we put Debbie Downer on the show, I had a giggle fit that I couldn't control, and the whole cast ended up breaking so hard we could never quite recover.

I suppose the difference between baby people and me is that I do not consider smiling while farting 'holding up your end of a conversation.

In the ambiguity and shifting playing field of adult life, I often wish I could just fill in a dot and have someone say Yes and hand me a chicken leg, or No and slap me with an old fish.

For me to be at a comedy club and flip out and say this crap, I'm deeply, deeply sorry.

Michael Richards

I wonder if to stare into the face of God will drive me crazy. (I wonder who would blink first.)

Being a funny person does an awful lot of things to you. You feel that you mustn't get serious with people. They don't expect it from you, and they don't want to see it. You're not entitled to be serious, you're a clown, and they only want you to make them laugh.

Millions of Germans had absolute faith in Hitler. Millions of Russians had faith in Stalin. Millions of Chinese had faith in Mao. Billions have had faith in imaginary gods.

All religions are the same: religion is basically guilt, with different holidays.

There is no word for feeling nostalgic about the future, but that's what a parent's tears often are, a nostalgia for something that has not yet occurred. They are the pain of hope, the helplessness of hope, and finally, the surrender to hope.

Michael Ian Black

It is the duty of the humor of any given nation in time of high crisis to attack the catastrophe that faces it in such a manner as to cause the people to laugh at it in such a way that they cannot die before they are killed.

People are always coming up to me and saying, 'I love you, love your work.' And then the next sentence is, 'I loved your brother.' John made people laugh, and laughter is a powerful thing,

Before you can give of yourself to others you must know what of yourself you have to give. Every person is special. In all the land there is only one you, possibly two, but seldom more than sixteen.

Did you ever get the feeling that the world was a tuxedo and you were a pair of brown shoes?

I accept the responsibility but not the blame. Let me explain the difference. Those who are to blame lose their jobs. Those who are responsible do not.

Television is a medium, so called because it is neither rare nor well-done.

There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure.

Jack E. Leonard

It's easy to sit on a mountaintop and tell people what to do and how to be happy. I have chosen to do that. Not because it's easy, but for a different reason, which I would reveal, if your mind was ready to handle it, which it isn't, which is also very convenient for me.

On being observed by his wife kissing a chorus girl:

I wasn't kissing her, I was whispering into her mouth.

I'm not sure sophisticated comedy has a place on television any more … I'd like to think it still does … But I'm not sure the networks are interested, I'm not sure anybody else is interested in sophisticated comedy any more.

It would be ridiculous for me to say anything negative regarding blacks having an equal opportunity on TV. After all, I was number one in the ratings four times last year and twice this season. What could be more damn equal than that? If they get any more equal, I don't want it.

Laughter takes the tyranny of the lies we are told and told and told and it blows them apart.