American Comedian Quotes

I'm a big fan of pastries the size of a baby that contain enough calories for a year. That seems like an effective use of time.

Listen, I have no judgment about anything. Some people will bring certain celebrities up to me who are presumably — or known to be — gay and ask "Why don't they come out?" But we don't know why they don't, and it's none of our business, really. In '75 I was making the Modern Scream album, and Jane and I were in the studio. My publicist called me and said "Time will give you the cover if you'll come out." I was more offended than anything that they thought we'd make a deal. But that was '75 — it would have been a hard thing to do at that time.

For me to be at a comedy club and flip out and say this crap, I'm deeply, deeply sorry.

Michael Richards

We now have ten cats, a big stupid dog, two tadpoles, a bearded dragon lizard, and a bunny. I'm going to be honest with you. I'd been drunk in that pet store before, and I don't want to play the victim here, but I believe they knew and I believe they took advantage. Does anybody else's pet store have a wine section? It seems unusual to me.

Paula Poundstone

It is impossible for an abortion clinic to have a waiting list of more than nine months.

I want to tell you about a woman I have been married to for ten years, my wife, Ann, who speaking truthfully, saved me from myself. Who saved me from destroying myself because of my background. Who saved me from wasting my life, drinking my life away, never fulfilling my dreams because of what I had come from, and truly believing and loving - truly the first person to ever truthfully, unconditionally love me.

It would be ridiculous for me to say anything negative regarding blacks having an equal opportunity on TV. After all, I was number one in the ratings four times last year and twice this season. What could be more damn equal than that? If they get any more equal, I don't want it.

If you let fear of the unknown stop you from taking chances, you will stifle your true potential.

If you're starving and somebody throw you a cracker you gonna be like this: goddamn that's the best cracker I ever ate in my life!

You might be a redneck if you stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.

I hope the next time I move I get a real easy phone number, something that's real easy to remember. Something like two two two two two two two. I would say "Sweet." And then people would say "Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?" I'd say "Just press two for a while and when I answer, you will know you have pressed two enough."

There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure.

Jack E. Leonard

Living with teenagers is like watching Jeopardy! every night. After a while you start thinking, Maybe I am stupid.

Caryl Kristensen

I'm not sure sophisticated comedy has a place on television any more … I'd like to think it still does … But I'm not sure the networks are interested, I'm not sure anybody else is interested in sophisticated comedy any more.

There's something comforting and pleasurable about watching people win money.

Suicide is the #1 killer of a person who is in a boat and happens to be passing under a bridge at the wrong time.

In Hollywood, we have some of the richest unemployed people in the world. They have sun tans. Some of them have chauffeurs in Rolls-Royces waiting outside. They have their golf clubs ready in the car. There is no law that says you cannot play golf while being unemployed.

Why are there so many puritans in this country, and why can't the rest of us make them go away?!

Life is broken down into these stages: you're born and you don't know how anything works; gradually you find out how everything works; technology evolves and slowly there are a few things you can't work; at the end, you don't know how anything works.

Hang by your thumbs, everybody! Write if you get work!

Bob Elliott (comedian)

I suppose the difference between baby people and me is that I do not consider smiling while farting 'holding up your end of a conversation.

Most people unfamiliar with the men in a new town might search for love until they find it. I picked out some guy on my second day in LA, who worked at the local bicycle shop, and handed my virginity to him. You can fill a tire? Sounds good to me. Let's call it a date. Needless to say he wasn't Mr. Right.

Good ideas are like viruses. They grow and spread despite our best efforts to stop them. And yes, our bulbous, awkward species does indeed work very hard to catch and kill good ideas.

When I hit the six-foot mark at thirteen, I noticed the majority of the population was in denial with regard to my athletic potential. The townspeople refused to believe that I couldn't play ball.

I wonder if to stare into the face of God will drive me crazy. (I wonder who would blink first.)